Every Day I Lie

Are you okay?
Yes, I'm fine, never been greater!
Slept well?
I sure did! In fact, I slept like a baby.
You have such a beautiful smile
(With a smile) Well, thank you so much!
That looks really good on you, your hair is beautiful, you have a nice shape, you're gorgeous, everything about you is amazing!
Stop! Stop! I said stop it!
I am not okay and I haven't been for years
I can't tell when was the last time I really got some good sleep.
I am hurt, so hurt, I'm big fucking hurt!
I am not OK because of the decisions I made in my past.
I am not OK because the 17-year-old me should've made a better decisions.
I am not OK because of some of the things I saw growing up and somehow I became and remain mad at myself for not being able to change them.
I am not fucking OK, because then I knew better, could've done better,
but I made a decision to satisfy other people's expectations of me.
So please! Stop asking me if I'm OK.
I am not OK and I won't be for a very long time.
I am sad and maybe dark on the inside,
I am broken, I have so many shattered pieces
I've become numb to the things that hurt me most.
I am a whole lot of things, but being OK is not one of them.
Don't drown me with your compliments, I am mad insecure.
Insecurities for days!
I've had good days and I've had bad days too
I spend most of my time encouraging and uplifting all the people so they won't end up in the same situation as me.
All of these jumbled emotions, all this pain!
It's no good for anyone.
I couldn't save myself but every single day,
every single chance I get,
I try to save someone from ending up like me.
I lie
Every single day!
I lie!
I lie about being OK,
I lie about sleeping well,
I lie about being super happy,
I lie about being comfortable,
I lie about being happy with who I am.
I may have been tormented by my past,
I think about everything I should've or could've done better or maybe not done at all.
So the next time you ask if I'm OK,
I'll just save you the trouble of being lied to.
I'm not okay and it's okay!
It's okay not to be okay.
Did I sleep well? You asked?
No, I did not!
I almost drowned
Yes i said drowned!
The number of tears I cried many nights, I almost drowned from my tears.
I think too much
My thoughts of trying to perfect and fix everything really suffocates me.
Nobody's holding my neck
But I can't breathe!
Not just last night, or the night before but many nights.
I get anxious, I get panic attacks that I cannot control.
Hell! I cry sometimes without even knowing why.
The beautiful smile you see me walking around with,
It's a show, it's a fucking show.
It's just there so I can hide my sadness.
I lie
Every single day!
I lie.
So my favorite question to ask now is
Are you okay?
Because somehow!
Somehow I think I can save people from their sadness
Or their sad days.
Somehow I think saving others is a good deed to not being able to save my self.
So don't be like me
Don't lie
Cause I'm trying!
I'm trying to save you
And don't cry
I might feel the same way and cry too
I know many others are in the same shoe.
Cant lie!
I'm trying to be saved too.