𝑻𝒔𝒖𝒌𝒌𝒊 𝑶𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒕𝒔 || 🍰

falling out of love (angst)

Tsukishima Kei.
Do you still love me?

Those very words that tried to slip from my sealed lips, crawled away as soon as fear jumbled my thoughts.
His shadow framed over my petite build as his face morphed into a frown. Boredom, growing on him by the minute.

"What do you want..?" he muttered, glancing over from behind me. All the while averting his golden eyes from mine. Nonetheless I kept quiet; too embarrassed to stand in front of him looking like this. Embarrassed to even talk. Even after I found the courage to ask him to meet me after school to talk about why he's been acting distant towards me lately, I still felt ashamed somehow. Too weak. Too cowardly. Too...me.

"Nothing? Geez...I came all the way here only for you to mess with me? Quit wasting my time will you?" His cold words were always on the daily. But this time, it felt real. There was no punchline, no warmth, no playfulness. This time, it was genuine. Like being slapped across the face by a slab of ice. One that left a sting of heat somehow.

He started forward, jostling his hands inside his pockets and readying himself to leave. Out of instinct I grab ahold of his arm, pulling him to face me once more.

The feeling of his hands, familiar, but so foreign now. My eyes seemed to play with me at that moment. Finding it difficult to beat the lump in my throat, all the while urging myself to halt the tears I've been holding back all this time.

"K-Kei..wait!" I stumbled to find the right words. Desperately hanging onto his arm in a panic to keep him in place. I shook my head, "please...don't go just yet," I whispered. One so quiet and hushed, that I'd be surprised if he even heard that plea. "What..happened to us? Kei? Did I...do something wrong??"

It almost took ages for me to formulate a sentence at that point. Wanting to face him with the truth, but also wanting to run away from it. And it hurt. It hurt so bad, that my throat immediately went sore from the stress. The boulder on my shoulders, weighing me down as I searched for some sort of answer in his canary colored eyes.

"Do you...h-hate me now?"

There was a brief silence after that. One that sent me to a pool of anxiety as I awaited his response. But yet, he just stood there. Hands in pockets. Body, faced away from me. Eyes, somewhere else.

I took this response as a negative omen. Soon feeling my grip on his arm weaken and falter under the fear of his reaction. Or lack thereof.

"(Y/n)...I'm thinking...we should just stop. All of this. This..nonsense. Let's stop. Once and for all."

"W-Wait...what do you..mean? Kei I don't get it."

"What do I mean? Are you an idiot? I said what I said. Let's...stop."

"S-Stop..? Stop what? Kei, I ca—

—let's break up. Me and you. I wanna breakup already."

A knife found it's way to my chest. Easily gliding past my skin and flesh, and finding a certain spot in my heart that gushed out a deep red when it was punctured.

"(Y/n), I just...don't like you anymore."

The final blow almost hit me like a bullet. Exactly like a bullet, in fact. It shot through my chest, and spread it's touch all throughout the rest of my body like a virus. Those words kept repeating itself. Drilling everything into my brain as my mind went haywire. Mouth, opening to speak, but refusing to talk.

He tore his arm off of my already weak grip. His eyes, no longer holding the warmth it held the day he first kissed me. It was a dark brown color now. Deep bark. Muddy. Frustrated. Annoyed.

At me.

"See ya, (Y/n)."

In a panic, I claw at his clothes from behind. Desperate in my attempt to keep him as...mine. Even though now, he isn't. The moment he grew tired of me, was the moment I already lost. But yet, I couldn't stop. I wanted only one man in this world. And only one man.

Him.

My knees soon buckled and kissed the stone ground. The surface, scratching at my skin and drawing blood.

"Tsukishima!!"

I cry out. The tears, now overflowing so immensely, I instantly lost sight of his figure walking away from the person that needed him most.

Me.

My ears blurred over whatever my friends were trying to say at that moment. Finding myself lost in my notes from last class. The wind, bringing along the smell of fresh spring.

For the past few months, all I've ever done is study and spend time with friends. In fact, I felt much better with him out of the picture. But even so, there was still this lingering voice in the back of my mind. One that dared me to run back to him again. One that tempted me to throw everything else and confront him once more. One that urged me to kiss him. The feeling of his lips on mine; nostalgic and bittersweet. But that voice would be slammed back down again everytime I am reminded of the fact that he already has...

someone new.

Kei's smile was lot brighter with her, compared to when he was with me, months prior. Seeing the way she tip-toed to kiss him, and the way he'd lean down whenever doing so, caught me in a tight chokehold.

The way she'd grab onto his shirt like I used to. The way she'd hug him like I used to. The way she'd make him grin like I used to.

Like what I used to.

Seeing them like that angered my timid soul. Boiled my blood, and swore to rip her heart out like what Kei did to mine. But my hands are clean. Promised to never taint them in sin. Either way, I had no right to do so. Seeing him blossom with someone who made him a lot happier that I ever did, made me realize how inferior I felt to...her.

It hurt. It hurt. It hurt.

It hurt so bad.
And yet I couldn't stop. Maybe I still wasn't over him.

And to this day, I still ask,

Tsukishima Kei.
Do you still love me?