In All My Dreams I Drown

Please Wake Me Up

I'm begging you, please wake me up,
In all my dreams I drown,
In all my dreams I drown!

How long had it been since he had been able to get a full night of sleep? If the twitching of his eye was anything to go by, it would have had to be more than just a single night, Henry would have liked to think that he was at least stronger than that. From where he stood, leaning haphazardly against the basin, gazing wearily into the mirror, he could not say when it was that he first started looking so dreadfully haggard. The bags under his eyes were dark and puffy, oddly reminiscent of those that he had long since shoved into his closet and had abandoned, the stubble upon his face beginning to form shape. If there was nobody to see him, what use was there to maintain his upkeep?

The ship, it swayed, heave-ho heave-ho,
On the dark and stormy blue,
And I held tight to the captain's might,
As he pulled up his trews,
"You haven't slept," heave-ho, he said,
"In many suns and moons,"
Oh, I will sleep when we reach shore,
And pray we get there soon!

The bed had never seemed more inviting before in his entire life, and while the exhaustion weighed upon him as if the world itself was resting upon his shoulder. For all the temptation that slumber offered, even a moment of shut-eye seemed too risky. The horrors that came when he rested were far worse that the sleepless days that were so horribly blending into the next with no rhyme nor reason. To sleep was to give in to the hellish reality that his life had, unfortunately, become and so he had decided that it was simply safer to stay awake, even when the world seemed to swim before his eyes.

The captain howled, heave-ho heave-ho,
And tied me up with sheets,
"A storm is brewing in the south,
It's time you go to sleep,"
His berth, it rocked, heave-ho heave-ho,
The ocean gnashed and moaned,
Like Jonah we'll be swallowed whole,
And spat back teeth and bones!

In the shadows that lurked off in the corner of his eye, if Henry dared to look, he could have sworn that he was not alone. Perhaps it was just the solitude that was getting to him finally, but the whispers in his ears promising that things will be better if he only gave in and let himself sleep. So often he almost listened, only to catch sight of the gaping hole that had taken over his bathroom and any want to sleep was dismissed faster than it had come.

He said now hush love, here's your gown,
There's the bed, lanterns down,

Any uncertainty that he may have had about whether or not he was alone had vanished well and truly when he saw the unholy shape of a man looming, clawing out of a portrait that had never once contained a figure in the past. It was a familiar man, a man that had appeared more than once to watch him through the peephole, so perhaps his exhaustion riddled mind was mixing the two about in a strange hallucination. Too long without sleep can produce horribly vivid hallucinations, so it was easy to explain his present predicament away as such. Or it would have been easy to explain it away had there not been some part of him that refused to let him believe such a reasonable explanation as truth.

But I don't wanna go to sleep,
In all my dreams I drown,
In all my dreams I drown!

It was all so much and it was wearing his soul thin and his patience even thinner. Had it been a week? Had it been a month? No more could Henry Townshend say how long he had been trapped in his room, and no more could he say when it had been that he refused once and for all to return to the nightmarish world that lay beyond the hole. More than once he had wondered if he had, in fact, died and was in hell. Though he didn't know what sins he could have committed that would have warranted such a cruel and unusual punishment. What hellish torment would have permitted the sinner the chance to peer in through a gap in the wall to see heaven? Perhaps it was merely a purgatory state, as his life had always been.

The sky, it flashed, heave-ho heave-ho,
His pillow dulled the brink,
The curtains ran between my legs,
As we began to sink,

His skin crawled like half an army of ants had made their home upon his skin. The coffee had all run out, and he was down to less tea bags than he had fingers on a single hand. Even if he was able to find ways of entertaining himself, he was simply too tired distract himself. The self-destruction was the last thing he wanted, but the alternative was a destruction that existed outside of his own control and, frankly, with everything else coming about out of his control this was a private victory that he could keep for himself.

I closed my eyes, heave-ho heave-ho,
As the ship was rent and felled,
Eddie's in the water headed to the mouth of Hell,

For the briefest moment, he dared to let his eyes flutter shut, but his mind was not as silent as he would have wished. The smell of blood, strong and metallic hit his nose, the burning of flesh hitting the back of his throat, the screams of the dying ringing in his ears long after the source had stopped breathing. His own breath, fast and hard enough to burn his lungs, filled the silence. There was no bloodshed, there was no death. He was safe as long as he stayed in his apartment. He was safe. He knew that he wasn't safe, he knew it and he could still see the blood of those he tried to save staining his hands.

He said now hush love, here's your gown,
There's the bed, lanterns down,
But I don't wanna go to sleep,
In all my dreams I drown,
In all my dreams I drown!

Henry had always appreciated his solitude, the silence that came from being the only person in a room. He wished he was no longer alone, he had been alone for so long he had almost forgotten what it was like to talk to another person. Even if he screamed right there and then, nobody would hear him. He wished that he was alone again, he had almost forgotten what it felt like to exist without being watched. Even if he whispered, he knew that he would be heard.

Captain, Captain, I will do your chores,
I will warm your cot at night,
And mop your cabin floors,
Scold me, hold me, I'll be yours to keep,
The only thing I beg of you,
Don't make me go to sleep,
In all my dreams I drown,
In all my dreams I drown,
In all my dreams I drown,
In all my dreams I drown!

As much as he pleaded, begged, and wept, his pain fell of deaf ears. Or perhaps on dead ears. The thought would have made him laugh, though that was more because he was delirious from a lack of sleep so he could not for the life of him tell what was and what wasn't funny anymore. G-d, he was so tired, if he could only sleep, then things would be alright! But he couldn't, he knew that even through the clouds and fog - or was it mist? - that filled his mind. If he slept, he knew that he would drown in the tide of blood that was lapping at his ankles and he would never be seen again.