The deep lake of destiny

The dream

I could run straight from this house now, out through the front door, down the street, directly to the middle of the bridge. One step and I'd be directly in the lake.  At first, the cold would be excrutiating, so cold I couldn't think or fathom the events about to come. But after a while, the pain would subside, and the fear would kick in. The overwhelming knowledge that I am about to drown. That the water is too high, and I'm too short on time to swim to the surface and gulp the lifesaving air plentiful up there.  That the harrowing seconds are coming where the body furiously craves a breath but battles violently to withhold inhaling as it knows all is available is the freezing water. And knowing that in the end, there will be no other option, that the reflex will be too strong. That for a second it will hurt, but as the moments pass the relief will be overwhelming and everything will flow into oblivion with the endless ripple of the lake.
At the surface, this is a terrifying thought. But beneath the surface it's a comfort. Knowing the order is calming. Being in complete control of your own fate.

The harsh sound of my alarm startles me awake. Knowing full well I set it for the last possible minute I jump out of bed as my mother's screech echoes along the ancient walls of the house. "Selene, you better start moving or I'm coming up there." I call her mother but that's not what she is. She's merely a woman, who is currently my guardian. Sure she took me in when my parents died, sure she will pay for my college fees, but she's never truly loved me. I was simply a tool for her to look good. A way for her to fit in with her snobby, middle class friends. I would hear her gush to the "oh our little Selene is making such progress. She's already taking on so much responsibility around the house. She just confides in me so much, and of course I'm more than happy to be a role moddle for her, God knows she's never had one before." I never told her anything. And I never will. She's not my mother, and she's damn wrong about me not having a role moddle. I know exactly who I am, and what I will do, and it sure as hell won't be anything she's ever seen before. Nevertheless, I am capable of smiling and agreeing with her, after all, she is capable of paying the bill.