This is me trying

Several months of isolation could change a person. I know it changed me.

"School's going to start soon! I'm super excited to see you Hay!" Lacy, my best friend, chirps. Even through a screen her smile can brighten up anyone's mood.

"Yeah, me too," I dont share her excitement but she doesn't notice.

"Wendy is having a party, just for our group of friends. It's on friday."

"I can't come." They're more her friends than mine and I can tell that they don't like me. I ignored their hateful glares because Lacy was my one true friend. I can't deprive her of so may friends. Honestly I'm scared she'll choose them over me. Who wouldn't, I'm not the best person to be around.

"Why?"

"I still have to complete the work school piled on us." That isn't the reason but it's true. The five months of work has been left untouched. My grades were already dropping but now I'm guaranteed to fail the year. Those assignments makes up fourty percent of my grade.

"A break won't hurt. Besides knowing you, you probably finished the work as soon as you got them".

I feel irritation brimming. Why cant she just take no for an answer?

"Lace, I can't come and that's final."

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed," she snickered.

"Can you just stop!" she jumped at my raised voice but I continued. "Stop being so annoying. Stop trying to get everyone to dance to your tunes. I dont want to go to a stuipid party with your stuipid freaking friends."

"Hayden, what's wrong?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong. I'm tired of you breathing down my bloody neck. I need my space dammit!"

"Oh, ok. I'll call you tomorrow then, you don't have to go-"

"Call me never, Lacey. I can't be your friend anymore"

"Am I missing something?" The sound of her voice cracking is the saddest sound I've ever heard.

Without another word I end the skype call.

Lacey didn't do anything wrong. I just have a lot of pent up emotions and I chose to lash out on her. Thanks to the virus we have to leave the house as less as possible. This means that dad's alcohol stock is running low. Though that's not the only reason why.

I've been stealing his cheap alcohol. Depression and anxiety have been getting the best of me. I needed something to help with the overwhelming emotions.

By stealing his stash I just made it worse for myself. I see a new side to him now because his addiction cannot be satisfied. So to gain some sort satisfaction he hits me.

I go to sleep sometimes wishing that my mum could be brought back to life. If she was here, this wouldn't happen. Lacey reminds me of my mother which is why we became such good friend. Her sparkling personality that's the life of the party, is contradictory to my own but it's also refreshing.

Now I've lost the one friendship that's kept me sane. I regret doing that to her, to myself, but I don't feel like I deserve anything good anymore. I tried to stop thinking like that. I tried to flush all the negative thoughts but it keeps on playing like a broken record.

It's been a few days since I last spoke to Lacey. Friday is long gone and school is tomorrow. Since the national lockdown we've been discussing what we'll do once we reunite. The guilt consumed me because she didn't deserve my lashing.

Without a second thought I leave the house and do something I should of done a long time ago.

Once I leave the building I feel better, lighter. I take the long way back home and once I near Lace's house I stop.

With a deep breath I leave the car and walk up the driveway. It feels like my heart's pounding out of my chest when I see the door knob turning and finally it opens.

"Hayden?"

"Hey."

"What are you doing here? It though you didn't want to be friends anymore."

"I'm going to go to therapy. I made an appointment just before I came here. The therapist was even kind enough to give me a free session sincing she was free," I blurted out.

"I'm not following."

"I messed up Lace, I destroyed our friendship. Everytime you asked me if I was ok, I lied. I felt as if I didn't deserve anything good so I said all those mean stuff," at this point the waterworks started but I didn't care, I continued. "My dad, he- he started hitting me and saying degrading stuff that just messed with my head. I let let my depression and anxiety get the best of me. I know how I acted was completely uncalled for and I don't deserve forgivenes, but I'm sorry. So, so sorry." By now I'm balling my eyes out but I don't care, I need to let it all out.

"Oh, Hay." Lacey engulfs me in a hug and I realised that she's also crying. "Of course I forgive. You're more than just a best friend, your practically a sister. Which is why you shouldn't be scared to tell me everything. Your dad, the person who should be protecting you, shouldn't be doing this. We'll figure this out together. I promise." The she does what Lacey does best, lighten up the mood, "Well this wasn't the reunion I imagined but I'll take it. Now let's go eat, all this crying is making hungry.

Before I thought I was trying. But I was hiding from all off my problems and shutting out the people that truly cared about me. But now I'm going to face my problems head on. I'm going to go to therapy and I'm going to help my father with his addiction.

Now, this is me trying.

Word count: 984

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