Red Hills

dragonfly

It can't be. I did everything right, didn't I? Ninety nine percent efficient, how can I be the loser? How could I have pulled the short straw?

The shower head dripped, a small puddle of water began to form in the bath. I watched it grow larger, denser as I kneeled over the tub. A tear slid from my cheek, splashing into the small pool of water. I watched as the two liquids consumed each other, merging into one. Tears quivered at the bottom of my vision, like little tsunamis pouring from the sockets.

The two faded, blue lines held in my hand ironically seemed to glow in the dark, mocking me. They shone like two beams, tall and bold. The only colourful object around, yet the most haunting. Out of focus on the corner of the bath sat a small elephant water toy, never used and never moved. It's eyes wrinkled and damaged from time stared back at me. Just like it had stared over nineteen years, watching me evolve. Only now, it was watching me crumble into despair.

Slowly sinking to the floor, I hid the test from view, under the rug. I sat on it. Biting my nails, I hoped the lump underneath me would melt into the floor and vanish. I pulled myself up and faced my reflection. The silence was consuming, it filled the room with its invisible weight. Dusk had fallen, no light invaded the bathroom through the window. I could just make out my silhouette before me, my outline, my frame.

I got closer, my complexion seemed to shimmer, my eyes less pink, my face seemingly more symmetrical since I last caught my reflection in the mirror. It was as though the dark of the evening enhanced the shadows under my bones, the bruises and the love bites. A bitter pang of shame ate its way through my stomach and up to my throat as I ran my fingers over the blue circles that decorated my neck. A stamp of authority, like a dog that pisses up a lamppost, he had marked his territory. I pinched my lips between my fingers, they too seemed bruised. The sink struck cold against my palms as I glanced down to my stomach.

It can't be. Pressing my hands against my stomach, I lifted my shirt and felt the skin. Firm and hot. Again I uncovered the test from under the rug and there they stood. Two blue lines. Covering one with a fingertip, I stared at the lonely blue strip. My heart stuttered on a beat, my tongue tied over the word. The word I feared.

"Positive" I whispered as I drew away my finger from the truth and stared at the double blue lines.

"Eleanor" my father knocked on the bathroom door. "I've got to shower" he shouted as he tried the handle.

"Yes" I called as I dashed to the door after shoving the test down my shirt and wedging it in the bottom of my bra. I took a breath before unlocking the door and facing my father on the other side.

"El, you should get some sleep now" he said as I stood in the doorway. His shadow casted over me, shrouding me in darkness. He smelt of dirt and sweat. Shaking my head, I avoided eye contact. "Eleanor, can we speak at least?".

I rushed down the hallway to my room and locked the door. Another pang of emotion riddled its way through my heart, guilt. As I heard my father sigh before shutting himself in the bathroom. Locked doors were common in our house, I'd like to think they saved us, kept us from disappointing one another. If there were no locks, there was no privacy, no guards hiding who we really were from each other. I was his daughter, a good student, an obedient child and he was my father, a doctor and a good man. I pulled the metal latch into position at the top of my door and turned on the light.

A dragonfly was tapping at the window, it's wings whistled as it darted about the glass. Strange for such a creature to be awake at nightfall. The pond outside attracted them at this time of year and sometimes they wondered up to the house but never this late. I watched it hover as I sat on my bed that faced the open bay window over looking the garden. It was a persistent little thing, asking for entry as it glistened emerald and teal. Alas, the window was locked. Fixated on the creature, undoing the window, I let the early September breeze cast the dragonfly inside.