Love, love, love..love.
True love? someone you'd die for, someone you'd live for, someone you'd move mountains for. I'd move mountains for her or die trying. I'd rearrange the moon, planets and stars to align them the way she sought best if I could and if I couldn't I'd sell my soul, my last breath, every last dime I had if it meant it would make her happy. True love. Seeing someone with many faults of their own and only seeing beauty, seeing light, seeing love, seeing happiness on the good days and on the bad days. Over looking their faults and loving them, adoring every aspect even the questionable ones. Willingness to appease them in any way, to move and sway in any way you can to make things be at ease for them. I believe in true love. I've lived it, I've felt it. True love tests you, it pushes you and sometimes it even breaks you. True love isn't for the weak, the feeble or the light hearted, it's for the ones who truly want it and are willing to fight for it nail and fuckin bone. I fought for a love, the truest I've ever felt and I lost.. inside I died trying to fight for the one thing I wanted most in this world, the one person who made me whole. It killed me. Looking at the love of your life with adoration even after everything, looking at her across the counter, your heart beating inside her hands, beating for her still until it slips out of her hands and hits the tile, shattering into a million scattered pieces. I feel it in my chest, deep within it sinks, the blood in my veins running cold, so cold it gives me chills, hearing the words "it's over" running in my mind over and over. The love of my life, i turn to look at her but she isn't her anymore.. she looks like herself but she's not mine anymore, she's not my person anymore, shes a different version of the person I used to know, she's someone else's. she acted like it. Treated me like it. she was gone. I tread on, a long lonely path. I tread on.
Months later I learn to stare blankly at walls that aren't home to me, they're bare and empty like myself.. i work to distract myself and that's honesty, my only sense of companionship is a token of my past love and i hold onto him dearer than life itself, im getting by but just barely. Happiness.. happiness.. i don't know what happiness is anymore I haven't felt it in so long. it's too out of reach and I've learned to live without it. So many nights spent alone and with thoughts that would make the strongest falter. Thoughts that would make a grown man cry. I've never felt so alone. So without purpose. She was never my purpose but she helped me feel like I could find one. Where is she now? A phone call a week and few words texted aren't the same as her here by my side I've learnt that the hard way. To love and to hate someone so equally sometimes is the harshest pain I have ever felt because while you're stranded and alone , she's worlds away, a body beside her to keep her warm at night, to hold her when she needs it most.. I have the cold wall beside me and a bed full of my demons and fear and regret... I still lay there at night knowing deep down in my bones she's just as misunderstood and no matter the body lying beside her she still most nights feels alone.. maybe a little less but I know her.. and that's where the love comes in and the hate fades out, she's not much different than I. The hurt still hurts, the healing hasn't hardly even begun.. I'm stuck, stuck in town full of memories, I can't drive down the street my house is on without seeing our park, where we sat and smoked and ate our favorite take out, downing four lokos with our friends and sneaking onto the playground. I can't drive to work without seeing those big lights saying "Worlds most famous beach" flash backs, endless of those late nights, sneaking out, running around the beach like children, sticky ocean skin, wet kisses, deep thoughtful conversations, the nights I finally started opening my heart back up to her again. Laying my head on her chest in the car, warming each other up from the freezing windy beach air. I can't stomach so many things in this town cause they all remind me of her. She left, granted I know she still has her memories but I relive them daily, I see them daily, I have no choice but to face reality every time I have to leave my house. I can't express how badly I want to runaway sometimes because yes, those are the happiest memories of my life but that's not my life anymore. I lead a sad, lonely life and the constant reminder of what I lost kills me more and more with every passing day. I may seem dramatic, naive.. but I don't want to live a life without her in it, she hurt me worse than anyone ever could but I still see the sun and the moon set in her eyes. She is beauty, she is grace, she is the light that has always been there in my world of darkness and demise. Naive for longing for someone who could so easily take my heart and shatter it into a million pieces without blinking but if anyone could pick those shattered mangled pieces up and put them back together it would be her, not I, Nor anyone else.. my pieces have always been too ridged and hard to put together no ones ever tried so hard, that is expect for her and I was never the one who was good at puzzles anyways she had the hands for that. Maybe if the world understood the kind of connection, first sight, how intimate eye contact could be through the souls of two strangers who had felt as though they'd known each other in a past life, perhaps, if they could feel the kind of love felt between the two of us maybe, just maybe, they'd understand. No one in a million centuries before her had ever made me feel a minuscule amount of what she did and no one in a million lifetimes after ever could either. I know that, I've tried, no ones admiration, no ones touch, no ones words hit home for me the way hers did. No one could ever compare and that's a sad fact I have to live with because while I know that and still long for her she belongs to someone else, she's engaged to someone she loves dearly. Engagement is a serious thing and I know that I lost my last chance of ever getting close to that. It's so hard to let go. I cling onto so much false hope, that's always been my biggest downfall, I am my own worst enemy. Learning to let go is something I'm still trying to catch the hang of but it's so hard. She set the bar high and my expectations of love are only as good as what she showed me, I don't want anything less.
What I do know is I might have lost, It might have killed me but I know and she knows well that I gave her my absolute all and everything. I bent over backwards for her in any way I could, moved my life once and intended to move my life as many times as I needed for her, I supported her, loved her, there was no boundaries on the things I'd do to make things easier on her, I did everything right. It was just the wrong timing. I died giving my all to her and though it was and still is such a crippling, searing pain shooting through my soul, my mind I wouldn't have had it any other way. I died showing her the love she still deserves after everything and if I could have done anything in life it would be to prove to her what she's worth. that's all I ever wanted and that's what I did.
