TW//suicide ~ please be cautious when reading this and remember that if at any time you need to step away or stop read that that is okay. take a few breathes and remember that i love you <3
~~~~~~~
"no louis. i'm done with you. we're done!" harry walked over to the door grabbed his phone and wallet and slammed the door without another word.
louis was left standing there in what was supposed to be his and harry's flat. at first he was in shock, silent tears streaming down his face and then it all hit him like a dam had just broke in his eyes. tear after tear. sob after sob. he couldn't stop crying. he couldn't catch his breath.
what was he supposed to do without harry? he loved him. he was his soulmate, his best friend, his lover, his everything and now... now he's gone. gone forever. right as that thought crossed louis' mind he collapsed to the floor. he couldn't hold himself up any longer. curled in a ball on the floor louis finally calmed down enough to pick himself up and crawl over to the couch.
he sat and blankly stared in front of him the tears falling freely and silently. he was deep in thought. the fight running through his mind.
louis had just got home from a meeting with simon. it was his third one this week. it of course went terribly. because louis and harry were together simon decided that it was a good idea to make it look like they were straight to the public eye so it was either harry or louis who had to have a beard. louis knew that if harry had to do it that would wreck him so louis took on the responsibility to protect the man he loved. little did he know that it would only hurt the both of them.
so when louis got home he had told harry about what was going to happen. louis would have arranged dates and pap walks every month. harry disagreed with what louis was doing. he thought that they could just go against simon but louis knew that wouldn't work out. they would both probably be dropped from the band which then would most likely break the entire band up and he didn't want to do that to liam, niall or zayn. so he took on the responsibility.
harry became very angry and began yelling at louis. he had no idea why harry was so angry. it's not like they had to break up but harry didn't see it that way. he yelled that they were done and left. and here we are now.
all of a sudden this blinding rage took over louis. all he could see was red. he began to throw things. he threw his phone. that smashed against the wall. it definitely won't be working anymore. he flipped the coffee table over. he stormed over to book shelf full of useless books that no one will ever read and began tearing them out of their place chucking them across the room.
he looked around and saw things everywhere. he didn't care though. what did it matter anyways? no one was ever going to care so why should he?
louis could feel a rush of emotion climbing up his stomach and his chest began to tighten. he sprinted to the bathroom making it just in time before he was vomiting up his lunch. after he figured he was done he flushed the toilet then brushed his teeth. he went back to the living room but couldn't make himself sit down. he just paced back and forth pulling at the hair on his head.
what am i going to do now? he's gone. forever. is it even worth it anymore? why am i here? he doesn't love me. i bet he never did. if he can't love me then how can anyone else. i don't even love myself.
louis turned around and saw the mirror hanging by their front door. he moved closer observing his face. red rimmed eyes still spilling tears. they never seem to stop. he had snot flowing out of his nose. he wiped it with his sleeve not even caring that he got snot on his shirt. he reached up to touch his cheeks. they were burning from all his crying. his throat felt soar from the screaming and sobbing.
he went the kitchen to get some water. as he walked towards the cupboards to get a cup he saw the medicine cabinet. he diverted over there and saw left over pain medication from his sister's surgery. he grabbed the bottle then went and grabbed a glass filling it with water.
he walked over to the bathroom and set the pills and water on the counter then walked out of the bathroom up the stairs to what used to be his and harry's room. he walked over to their shared desk and pulled out harry's writing journal. he flipped to an empty page tearing it out and grabbing the first pen he could find.
he sat down and wrote. he poured all his heart into that note hoping that harry would find it. he cried and cried as he said everything left unsaid. he wanted harry to know everything. he wanted harry to know that he still loved him no matter what.
after he finished he folded it in half and set the pen down. he took the note with him and walked back into the bathroom. he knew exactly how he was going to do this. he was going to take all the pills left in the bottle, which was about 10, and then he was going to take the blades from his razor and cut his wrists.
first he broke his razor and grabbed the blades, he then laid out the pills taking 2 at a time gulping them down with water. once he finished the last 2 he sat down leaning against the wall razor blade in hand.
he very hesitantly placed the blade on his wrist. he knew it would hurt but nothing could hurt more than how much his heart hurt right now. one wrist done now the other.
when he finished, he watched the blood pool on the floor beneath him. he knew the pills were kicking in because nothing hurt anymore. he wasn't scared anymore. everything was going to be okay. harry would move on. the band would continue on without him. his family would grieve but eventually they would move on too. everyone would forget about him and live their lives.
soon he became very sleepy. he laid his head down on a towel and closed his eyes. this is it he thought. this is the end of my story. it's over now. it's okay. everything will be okay.
~~~~~~~~~
Dear Harry,
My love, my life, my everything. You'll be seeing this after I have gone. It's okay. I want you to know that everything is going to be okay. You may have never loved me but I loved you. I loved you to the moon and back. You made my days light up like the sun. I am glad that my life ended with you as the last character. You showed me what it was like to love someone with all my heart. I hope that when you meet someone that you can truly love, you forget about me. Don't let me hold you back.
I want you to know that I'm not angry with you for leaving me on this day. I understand why you left. I understand that I wasn't good enough for you. But know that you were good enough for me. You were good enough and you will always be my one true love. You will always be the last one I every loved.
Tell my mom and sisters I love them. Tell them that it's okay to live life. It's okay for them to move on and forget about me. Tell them that I want them to be happy. Tell them it's okay to cry but don't cry for too long. I don't want them to linger on my death. I want them to live a full and happy life. I wish I could have been there for their weddings, but it's okay. I will watch from wherever I am going next.
Please don't forget me but keep me in the back of your head. I will watch over you every day. Move on. Be happy. Don't grieve for too long. I love you to the moon and back my sunshine.
Always in my heart,
Louis Tomlinson.
