The Quagmires

Chapter 1: The Total Tragedy

It has been Lemony Snicket's solemn duty to investigate the unfortunate story of the Baudelaire orphans. However, since he has completed that sad task, I have chosen to investigate the story of the Quagmire Triplets. You're probably here from Lemony Snicket's 'A Series of Unfortunate Events', and I don't regret to inform you that the story of the Quagmire triplets is a little more pleasant. However, don't say I didn't warn you, for this story is miserable too.

The Baudelaires may have gotten their somewhat happy ending, but I am unsure about the Quagmires' fate. Until I complete this investigation, I may never know what happened to them after the attack on their self-sustaining hot air mobile home.

The Quagmire triplets were intelligent children. Isadora, the only girl, was really interested in poetry. She enjoyed writing couplets, a word which means two rhyming lines in a verse of a poem. Duncan, one of the two boys, was a journalist. He always jotted down notes about almost everything he hears, sees, says, or does. Quigley, the last but not least triplet, was a cartographer, a word which means someone who makes or draws maps. The triplets were very close siblings, and the boys were protective of their sister.

On one long summer morning, the Quagmires were busying themselves with reading, writing, and making conversations as they waited for their parents to come home from what they called a 'work trip'. Their parents had been gone for quite a while now, but the Quagmires strongly believed that their parents would be home soon. This time, Duncan, Isadora, and Quigley, were talking about their father's complete lack of dance skills, when they heard a familiar voice cry,

"Children? Children? Duncan? Quigley? Isadora?" Their mother and father were standing at their fancy entrance, smiling right at them.

"Mother?" questioned Isadora.

"Father!" exclaimed Duncan in excitement as he and his sister ran towards their mother, Quigley Quagmire right behind them.

"Get over here you three," said Mr. Quagmire. Isadora flung her arms around her mother, and so did Duncan, hugging both his sister and mom.

"How was your work trip?" asked Isadora, as she reluctantly let go of her mother. Her mother's hair was tied in a ponytail, but everything else about her seemed messy.

"Oh, we're just happy to be home," replied Mrs. Quagmire. Quigley, however, stood facing his father, looking confused, because his dad was leaning on one leg in what seemed to be mild pain.

"How did you hurt your leg?" he asked.

"Breaking out of prison in Peru," said his father, smiling.

It was, with no doubt, a happy reunion, but this story is not about that. Neither is it about Duncan's journalism skills, nor is it about Isadora's interests. It was not about Quigley's extraordinary map skills either.

The Quagmire family spent the rest of the day talking about books and reading some of Isadora's new couplets. That day was a pretty ordinary one, until Mr. and Mrs. Quagmire began to act strange, whispering things about fires.

"Things look bad," whispered Mrs. Quagmire.

"Sometimes when things look bad, they turn out to be worse," replied Mr. Quagmire, also whispering. Right at that moment, Duncan and Isadora looked at their parents, as if they were trying to listen to what their parents were saying. "There are fires all around us, literally and figuratively," continued Mr. Quagmire.

"Then it's time we mount a vigorous defense," replied Mrs. Quagmire. Duncan and Isadora exchanged confused looks.

"Why do you think they are talking about fire?" whispered Isadora loudly.

"I know, right?" said Duncan, also whispering loudly.

"We can hear you back there," said Mr. Quagmire, "If you'd gone to my school, you'd have flunked eavesdropping."

"What kind of school teaches eavesdropping," asked Quigley. Mr. Quagmire smiled at him and Mrs. Quagmire said,

"Come on, children. It's past your bedtime. We've got a big day tomorrow."

"What's tomorrow," asked Isadora.

"It's a secret," replied her father as Mrs. Quagmire led her triplets out of the living room. As soon as the children were out of sight, Mr. Quagmire opened a drawer attached to a table right next to him. He took out a brown and gold spyglass, observed it, and walked out of the living room, limping.

A mysterious car appeared on the street opposite to the Quagmires' mansion with a driver dressed in black holding what seems to be a newspaper from the Daily Punctilio with the headline, 'OFFICIAL FIRE DEPARTMENT CONCLUDES: BAUDELAIRE FIRE AN ACCIDENT'.

When Mr. Quagmire turned off the lights and was completely out of sight, the unknown figure in the mysterious car pointed a laser at one of the Quagmires' framed photos, causing the glass to break and setting the picture on fire. In merely a few seconds, the house was engulfed in flames.