Dancing with my Mind

Part 1

I could feel cold sweat dripping down my forehead as a starred beyond. The only thing I could hear sharp and clear was the sound of my own heart beat and every exhale of breath. 

All the lights were on me and yet I could see nobody. 

Finally I could hear the soft sounds of the piano playing and I was home. 

My toes curled into position like a second instincts and i moved slowly and peacefully to the beat like I was trained to do all my life. 

Slowly I turned with grace, my body never leaving proper form as I used all my technique to prefect each turn and slowly execute each leg raises with complete balance. 

I was told all these bruises would be worth it in the end. All the blistered, blood, sweat, and tears would all be worth it by the end of it. 

The subtle sparkle in my red ballet leotard glisten under every light in that auditorium when I turned, I was like a ruby under the light with each piano key. 

This was all I knew, the rush of preforming this is the only time I felt 100% comfortable, otherwise I lived under the burden of my anxiety and fear of letting everyone I loved down. 

As the song neared its end, I could finally begin to realize how fast my chest was rising up and down and how much faster my heart beat was going. The rush of adrenaline fading and my own thoughts coming rushing back in. 

"You're okay." I whispered to myself under my breath, the only way I knew how to hold on at the end of such a grand performance in front of 10, 000 different people. I was the only other thing I could actually hear with such a loud roar of applause drowning out everything else. 

I closed my eyes and before I knew I was backstage in my dressing room. 

= 

I was taking off heavy amounts of foundation off my face when I heard my mother bursting through the hallways of the backstage. 

I loved her with all my heart don't get me wrong, but sometimes I felt so lost as a person and she didn't even know it. 

"Oh honey, I just loved that performance. Red really is your color." The short blonde woman said before greeting me with a quick kiss to each cheek. I smiled back up at her. "I've talked with your agent and he's already lined up three different auditions for next week." 

I didn't say anything back, I was used to this. There was no time to relax and do something for myself, my career was on cruise control all my life. 

A few more people from my circle came in after, chatting up my mother while I continued to get undressed and take my makeup off in silence. They were celebrating after my performance, drinking and chatting in my dressing room from my success. It didn't bother me though, that was my mother and I loved her. 

"Blair" I turned my head to look at what I thought was one of my agents. He had a bald head and a chunky figure being held in my a leather jacket much too small for him. "Have a drink, celebrate with us!" He smiled, before handing me a glass of champagne from my gift basket. 

I took the drink from him and thanked him, Everyone toasted to the performance cheerfully, without seeing me take the entire glass down full. 

- 

It was later that night when everyone had finally left for an after party and I was left with my suitcase full of costumes to take home. They had offered me an invite to go out but I had declined, I had a lot of work to do before my next performance. My mother agreed with me. 

I starred at myself through the mirror before me in my temporary dressing room. I didn't know who she was. I knew she was a dancer, but not much else. 

Maybe it was just a bad night of anxiety but I had never felt so lost, so unaware of who I was of a person. I didn't know anything other than dance, the thought of retiring from my career terrified me but it was also all I wanted. 

I pushed my chair back and stood to my feet. I still had my leotard on with some sweat pants and I walked barefoot down the hallway of the backstage. 

Not many people were left in the building. It was probably around midnight by now and everyone had gone home to their loved ones or to party. 

Before I had left my dressing room I remembered to grab my big over the ear headphones that I took with me everywhere. 

Once I had gotten to the back of the stage I put on my headphones and put on my performance song from the night. Everyone had already left so the stage was dark and I put my flashlight on the ground from my phone. 

I waited for the first beat to start before I began pouring my entire heart into this song. Feeling all the emotion of the song and dance with every move I made. 

The song wasn't supposed to end up of the floor but that's where I took it in the rush of emotions. Soon this formal ballet piece I was trained for turned into a emotion-filled lyrical dance that my mother didn't think could get me anywhere. 

Every time the keys crashed together I felt my worries begin to fade away with each move I make. My toes pointing to the sky as I felt my normal uncracked face show emotion and feeling in every part of the song. 

I was trained to be an emotionless ballerina not just in dance class but all my life. 

I began singing along with the song, at the time I didn't think anyone was there to witness it. "Say you hate, say you hate me." I cried into the song. 

I felt myself fall to the ground, this time I had finished the song with zero anxiety unlike my previous performance. I had done this performance for myself. "Just say anything." I whispered once the song had ended. 

I sat in silence for a second, silent tears rolling down my face as I was lost in thought. 

What I didn't expect was to hear clapping coming from the corner of the auditorium. 

"Finally you give me a show actually worth watching."