All the Letters Unsent

Nicholas

Nicholas,

I can't remember the first time I saw you but I fell fast. You came along just when I needed you. Not that you changed me but there was something about you that gave me a confidence I hadn't realised I needed. I even met one of the best friends I've ever had because of you.

It's been ten years - over ten years now. For a while you were an obsession, always at the centre of my thoughts. I turned to you for everything, especially on the days that were harder than others. You were there through ups and downs.

You were my first love.

I would still choose you, Nick. I honestly can't say if that is a habit out of loyalty or because I'll always choose you.

But you haven't chosen me.

You're engaged. When I heard the news, I didn't know what to think. Not because I couldn't deal with it but I genuinely don't know how I feel. I'm not sure how long you've been together, although I think it's longer than everybody thinks.

I don't know her at all but I know that she's beautiful. I'll always wonder what it was about her that made you want to settle down. We're still so young. I know her friends are settling down, marrying and having babies so I suppose that's what you both want too.

I'm not looking forward to the wedding. I already know that the pictures will haunt me, because it'll be the final proof that I won't have you. I want you to be happy, and selfishly, I think that part of me still believes that I have the capacity to love you the most.

I hope she loves you. I hope she loves you at your best and at your worst. I hope she loves the way you laugh and your slightly crooked front tooth. I hope she loves when your hair gets longer and curly and loves you when you're relaxed in jeans and a white shirt. I hope she loves you the way I have loved you.

Recently I stumbled across an old video of you from back when we were teenagers. I couldn't find the video again if I tried. It reminded me, in the cruelest way, of how I feel about you.

I hope you're happy, I truly do. It just kills me that it's not me there to share your happiness.

I want you to know, Nicholas, that after all these years, I still choose you. And I probably always will.