Today I did open a bag of worms. But I still feel like I'm avoiding something. The real hatred I possess for life. For everything around me.
How everyone around me is stupid...and how I'm a worthless self loathing piece of trash.
I will keep fooling her too, going in circles.
Never getting to the actual parts of me and my life I want to get rid of.
Oh how good I'm at bullshitting and gift wrapping everything. It's scary.
Open the gift wrapping and it's all hollow.
Will we ever get there? Was she even the right choice for me in the first place? Will she ever reach the dirt I'm hiding? The skeletons, the rotting flesh in my closet. Will I have to be an edgy as fuck teenager, brave myself and spill it to her? Or will she figure it out. Because if I end up having to vent, I'm gonna lie, or phrase it in the most nonchalant way possible like none of it matters. Lord am I scared. What if I was wasting money? My mom will hate me.
I want to know more about her, about her thoughts if she is right for me. She talks about gaining trust. But how will I ever get that with just me talking.
And then theres those moments I hate her, when she pretends to care. When she talks like shes my friend. Like stfu I know you in it for the money. Like yeah it's your profession, I understand, but don't act like you care. It's so creepy when you fake it all. You are like me in many ways aren't you? Faking it all just to keep people around you happy, or in my case make them not worry about me.
