You don't know me [phan]

#1 - Just a dream

A/N: Dear Reader, I'm going to kick this off with a trigger warning. The following content contains suicidal thoughts, graphic depictions of selfharm and other kinds of selfdeprecating behavior.

In no way I mean to romanticize it. I am simply telling a story, a story about a very lost boy, and a story that helped me get over my own problems.

Attempting suicide, harming yourself, these are not ways to get attention. They are ways to escape a life that is too difficult to take. If you ever think of ending your life, please tell people about it. Because cheesy how it may sound, Life will get better.

If you're in the USA the national suicide hotline phonenumber is 1-800-273-8255

For people living in Europe, you will find your country's number here

http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/Europe/

If you feel like the above mentioned things might trigger you I want to ask you sincerely not to read my story. If you are trying to beat depression or get over a selfharm problem, I applaud you. I know from experience how hard it is and how much work it takes. You'll get there, eventually.

Finding someone to share your pain with, such as a boyfriend or girlfriend, is not the way to solve your problems. You, yourself are the only one who can really make a difference. I also really recommend talking to a therapist, pete knows it helped me.

Now if you feel like you can handle this angsty mess, read on and try to enjoy the ride.

______________________

~Chapter 1~

Dan's POV

I raise my eyebrows and play the last segment again. "You twat" I giggle when the Phil on my screen does one of his adorable dances. I cut out a few dull and non-fitting parts and put some music with Phil's routine. I just totally love to edit our Superamazingproject videos. Not because they're so amazing - what they obviously are - but because it gives me a good reason to stare at Phil's perfect face while actually doing something useful.  

After a couple hours of editing I get a bit tired and see that it's almost ten o'clock. I start worrying about Phil, he broke his promise about eating with me, here at home. I guess he would just rather have dinner with PJ than with me.. "No" I whisper to myself, I can't allow myself to think like that. PJ and Phil are just friends, Phil deserves to have some nice friends so I shouldn't get all jealous if he goes to PJ's, even if he's being ridiculously mysterious about the reason why. Could they be dating? No.. I'm pretty damn sure that Phil is heterosexual and next to that, I think PJ is already seeing somebody. "Dan, focus!" I tell myself. I decide to get a quick drink and get back to work, but my concentration is gone. I sit down with a cup of hot chocolate and allow my mind to drift off for a bit, I'll just finish editing later...

"Phi- Phil" I moan in pleasure as the dark-haired boy slides his hand under my shirt and softly strokes my chest. He leans back a bit and gives me a cute little smile. I look into his bright, blue eyes and feel my insides melt just before I crash my lips onto his again. He softly nibbles my lower-lip and I eagerly open my mouth to let him slip his tongue in. I feel my cheeks get hot as he pushes me into the pillows of the couch, I grab his hair and gently pull it as our tongues continue their passionate dance. Our lips separate for a moment as Phil takes off my shirt, his breath brushes against my cheek and my stomach is suddenly full of butterflies when I hear him whisper "I love you so much, Dan."

Suddenly I'm back to reality again, I snap straight up and rub my eyes. Damn, it was all a dream.. but it felt so real, and it made me so happy?! I feel tears burn in my eyes as I jump up from my seat and make my way to the bathroom where I collapse on the floor. Lately I've just been this pathetic excuse for a human, I slam the door shut and let my tears flow freely. "Get yourself together, Dan" I whisper through the tears. I slowly reach for the cabinet under the sink and take out a small blade all the way from the back of the cabinet. "Get. Yourself. Together." I growl as I push the blade down into my wrist. Although the sudden pain relieves the mental pain my romantic dream had caused me, it still makes me flinch. I know that I have gone too deep. Again. 

Beautiful, bright, red blood drips down from my elbow. I just sit there for a while, staring mesmerized at the beauty of the dripping liquid as I slowly breath in and out. I raise the blade and break my skin once again. Less deep this time, but longer. I bright red line appears on my forearm and I feel a smile break through my tears.

Suddenly I hear Phil wiggle his key in the lock of the front door, "Dan, I'm hooooooome!"