and i started drinking

chapter 2 harry

so i'm already on the second chapter aaakkkk 🥰 i didn't expect to be this far so quickly. can we take this time to appreciate the boys (mostly zayn) at the 2014 amas like they were PER-FECT (still are but that's next level) TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ depression,sh, rape/sexual assault and bulimia/ed
———————————————————————

It had already been three months since I left but Simon's words still echoed in my head. "You are a bit chubby that's not good in bed""You whore why won't you let me fuck you?" "If you don't start respecting my wishes then I will leave you for someone else there's many people that are way prettier than you".

I stood there in the bathroom staring at my reflection in the mirror as I spotted all of my flaws bailing my eyes out.

My eyes are too green and baggy. My thighs are too fat and need to be more toned. My hair is a ugly color and the curls are unflattering. The scars from him look ridiculous. I'm a whore. I deserve to die.

I fell down on the floor sobbing feeling absolutely worthless and hopeless. Everything that he said was true. I wasn't enough for him. I don't deserve anything.

It was late at night and I felt guilty about the food that I ate. He wouldn't approve of that. I looked to the side and saw the toilet seat and a thought came to my head. I walked over and started shoving my fingers up my throat until i started gaging and soon after the vomit came out of my mouth and into the toilet. I absolutely hated vomiting and the smell was terrible but what could I do.

After I collected myself and cleaned up I went back again to my bedroom and immediately collapsed onto the queen sized bed and cried myself to sleep. The hunger was taking over but I refused to eat considering I would anyway force myself to throw it up again afterwards.

I woke up the next morning with the hunger taking over my whole body but I was used to it. I didn't feel like eating anything again so I just made a cup of english breakfast tea with three sugars and set of towards the bakery where I worked.

With my luck I walked out of the oak door to the pavement as the sky was grey and gloomy and the first drops of rain came down. I hadn't cared to take an umbrella with me because I was too into my thoughts to give a shit about getting wet so I just ran the ten minute walk towards Barbras bakery.

As I stepped into the small bakery I was greeted with the wonderful scent of freshly baked goods.

It may confuse a lot of people why someone with some kind of eating problems would like the smell of fresh bread, carbs and sugar or even find comfort in it but for me that was how it always was. Before my life went downhill I would go every Sunday to the bakery across the street from my childhood home with my pocket money and buy myself a pastry that I could afford and then sit there in the bakery and nibble on it for two hours watching the people walk in and out of there all of which had a different life and different reasons to come into the bakery at 9am on a Sunday.

Barbra came walking towards me from the counter and took me into a big hug while she pinched my bum like she always did. Barbra was an amazing person. She was middle aged, a little but chubby loving and caring woman who always puts a smile on people's faces and I was so happy to have her as my boss. 

I went straight to the counter and opened the cash till to count the change that was there when a customer came in. He looked to be about the same age as me but shorter with eyes that looked like they would be blue but they had turned dull, his face was pale and he had dark brown hair. Even though he looked like absolute shit he was still the most beautiful person I had ever seen and that ass was so nice. I took his order as I wondered if he even was completely there or if there might be some kind of problem he had as he waited lifelessly for me to finish with his order. "£1.76 and your receipt" I said cheerfully to the guy on the other side of the counter trying my best to have my work attitude on even though my stomach was growling of butterflies and not having eaten for the last 24 hours.

My shift finished after what felt like five days of taking orders from customers and stacking the shelves with pastries and cakes. I said goodbye to Barbra who was still working because she was the owner and liked to make up her own shifts however she felt like. At that point I had a pounding headache and I didn't have any ibuprofen with me because as always J just didn't care.

My vision became blurry and I couldn't think properly apart from that I was starving. I tried to continue walking but the pain took over me and i collapsed in the middle of the street.

I heard everything around me but i just couldn't move my body or say a word. A sound that sounded like an ambulances sirens came closer and I was taken into it and there I lost concussions.

Then I woke up in a hospital where I was told that I was severely malnourished and needed treatment at a facility where I still am to this day about one year later.
———————————————————————

sorry for having you wait if you were interested in this story. tbh idk what will become with this but i hope for the best

so this chapter was hard to write and i am so proud of myself for continuing with it because even though i haven't been close to what harry is going through in this this is based on what i've been through so that i can describe certain things that some may not think about going through something as hard as an eating problem or disorder.

thoughts?

start: Tuesday 29th December 2020
end: Tuesday 9th February 2021

words: 1080