Letters to No One

I'm Not Enough for You

Dear No one,
    I'm overweight, too fat, too lazy, not active enough, and not eating the  right stuff. Do I have a lot of control over this, not really. I’m 16 I’m 5’ 6” or 5’ 7”and I’m 165lb. 30 lb to 35lb over what I’m supposed to be. Am I active? Yes I’m in my school’s colour guard on Mondays we practice from 6pm to 9pm and on Tuesdays we practice from 3:45pm to 9pm. We do basic ballet, dance, for the start then we spin on flag and rifle (no real ones) and then our choreograph. I think that's pretty good. I'm sweating and tired when I get home. But this growth of my stomach is my fault, I need to watch what I eat. What do I eat? What I’m given from my parents, I don't eat breakfast in the morning because I feel sick, lunch lately has been coming  from school, and then dinner. Treats? Soda? Candy? Etc? No not really we have brownies about ounces to twice a month if that. Soda? Only if I have the money to get it from the school’s vending machine, which over a year is about 5 at most. when the parents get soda? I get one or two can’s, or a cup and a few sips from one of the two liters we get about 6 times a year. Other treats? If my friends have some and offer it to me I’m not going to say no. But that in itself is rare. Ya when I’m home I don't do too much more than what is asked of me and I watch YouTube and lay in bed. But I do other things to ‘earn’ that. You don't want me to do both weights and colour guard because it might be too much on my body but you want me to do more exercise cause I’m overweight? Is that not an oxymoron? You want me to eat but you don't want me to overeat but you're the one who's making my plate. What do you want me to do? How should I know that my size 8 and 9 pants don't fit? How should I know that I’m not a 10 but a 12 when you don't tell me how they should fit? I've known his pants are tight on the thigh, the pants leave marks on the waist and it's kind of uncomfortable to sit. I don't want to complain when you have four other kids to take care of, but when I don't know and you don't tell me how am I supposed to know? I do what I'm told, I get the grades that no other child in this house does, I don't complain and when I do it's “ No thank you on the olives." or “Come on guys I don't like mushrooms either but do you see me complaining?” I’m lazy, yes. I don't like playing sports, yes. I don't have your confidence,  yes. I’m not what you want in a daughter, I know. I know you love me in your own way, but there are some things I can't control. Did you get me the smart watch to tell me that I'm fatter than you want me to be? I had a watch before this one. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. Can you help me? No? You're too busy on your phone? Ok, um, thanks… I'll just go then. Sorry I bothered your facebook scrolling. I don't know what more you want from me, I don't get into trouble, I have the grades except that one B, I do my chores and even when I do more you don't notice. I don't bother you for homework except when I need you to take off the parental lock because I need the internet to finish my homework. I don’t ask special things from you except a cup of coffee when I'm cramping or need a little kick. You make me sit down and make a list of what I want for Christmas or birthday. I don't want to ask. I'm almost out of pads but I can make it through this period without needing more. I could ask you to buy more things for me but I try not to. I just don't know what you want me to do. I think I'm the one who asks the least, the one who does what they're told, but I'm not you and I think that's the problem. But who knows. I'm just a teen. I don't know anything.
    Sincerely,
             Cheyenne