Turn Your Face

Make You Feel My Love

Skepticism. It allowed Alison to put distance between those who hurt her and her trust of them. It gave her the ability to love and support someone without being all in. She could remain skeptical while on her way to rebuilding trust.

Walking away from her mother's headstone, I realized all of this to be true. Even with Alison's body tucked tightly into me, my arm wrapped around her lower back while her hand connected with mine, she could say that she was unable to trust me because she was still skeptical.

It's what she was taught. It was all she knew.

Alison never needed to know that I had been behind her for much of the time she was speaking with her mother. She never needed to know that I felt the venom spewing from her words or that the precision she spoke with granted me access to her subconscious. Let me know that the Alison I knew in middle school had never actually left that bathroom seven years ago. A part of her, maybe even a more significant part of her I never truly knew, was still trapped inside. A part she couldn't let go of or she might lose part of her mother that she was desperately clinging on to.

Her strength came from being broken. Her love came from being disregarded. Her dedication came from being abandoned.

Jason drove us home before sending us inside alone so he could go and pick up lunch for all of us. As the front door opened, Alison walked straight to lie down on the couch silently. From the opening alcove, I watched her turn her head to the restroom on the first floor, shake her head lightly, and sigh in frustration at the events of the day. I walked past Alison to clean up from breakfast which I had been unable to do rushing out the door, and then changed out of my pjs which had been on far too long.

I figured that Alison needed some time to process the events of the morning. She had every intention of letting another June 28th pass without sharing her pain with me. Now that intention had been dismantled, and I could only assume that with it, she needed time to rebuild.

It took until that night lying in bed for Alison to start talking again. It must have taken time to process and then, I doubted that she wanted both Jason and me there to rehash everything. I understood; I was willing to wait.

"I'm sorry I never told you," Alison mumbled turning over to face me.

"I don't blame you at all, Alison." I brought her hand up to my chest, "Honestly, I don't know how you made it this long with no one but Jason knowing, babe. You should have never been put in that position."

She closed her eyes tightly, inhaling and exhaling in a timed pattern, "Is there something else that I should have done? Please tell me that I did the right thing."

"Hey..." I brushed my thumb on her cheek until her eyes opened, "You did all you could with the information you had."

"I know but –"

"No buts, Alison. The more I learn about all you did for your mother, the more in awe I become of you. You are amazing. Are you able to see that in all of this?"

She shook her head while closing her eyes again, so I continued, "Alison, you are the strongest woman I know. You raised yourself for a majority of high school. You helped Jason take care of your mother's estate. You've petitioned for emancipation, worked with investors to wisely spend your inheritance. You may have been forced to grow up early, baby, but you grew up to be the most amazing woman I know."

"And you're not alone anymore, Al. For as hard as the anniversary of this day is you are never going to have to remember June 28th without me by your side. I hold the story with you now too. I will never understand, but I will never let you walk through the memory of it alone, okay?"