I was not one of those girls in the class who was 'pretty'
Nor was I that smart,
Rather that girl who was forgotten,
Laughed at, ignored and bullied,
For her looks, for her confidence, for everything.
I was soft, did not really understand,
Tears would start falling out without even noticing,
With my shrinking self esteem day by day,
Going to school was not something I looked forward to.
I was a bit stupid too to be honest,
Many people preferred not to hang out with me,
As naive as I was, sometimes even now,
I took every single word said to me to heart,
They remain like shattered pieces in back of my mind,
No matter how many times I try to forget it,
The mistake in that is mine.
They one day you came,
You came into my life,
Trust me it was not love at first sight,
Actually it was a gradual process,
You were just genuinely nice,
You did not judge me,
You were not mean,
You were nice, caring, talkative and just a little my kind of goofy,
Those memories still make me smile.
The time I realised about my crush,
Was when you were not there,
I was wanting to want your presence,
I hated you not being there,
I wanted you there,
Talk to you, be with you, just BE WITH YOU.
Whenever I saw you dejected I felt bad,
Whenever I saw you wanted help, I wanted to be there for you,
I used to think about you,
I could not see anything bad happening to you,
I loved the way you talked,
Loved the way you you would get engrossed while doing something that you would forget about the surrounding around you.
All these things in my mind just indicated towards one thing,
I had formed A CRUSH ON YOU.
Trust me I did not expect anything. Except wanting to see you and talk to you everyday,
The way I was, I did not expect anyone to ever feel anything towards me,
As stupid as I was during that time,
I somewhat knew the world around me.
I loved spending that time with you though,
But with my stupid actions,
Everyone soon knew,
About my little CRUSH ON YOU.
Everyone knew and then you came to know,
I was apprehensive but you......
You chose to ignore,
You knew and yet chose to ignore but were still nice to me.
I was not hurt, I knew, I was not allowed to be,
When I was little girl I loved to dress up like a princess,
I loved watching romantic movies,
I loved all that,
And dreamed about it but..........
As I grew up I realised that maybe for a girl like me that is not something that might be written in her destiny. I was not a princess, I was just a..... a girl who smiled watching those silly rom coms and reading those silly books.
So how could I ever expect anything from you,
You were amazing, I reassured myself that it is I did not want to be in a relationship and you...........
Well maybe you deserved better.
I never said anything to you though,
Directly that is,
I would just stand in a corner and see you and walk away,
I knew maybe you didn't want to talk to me. Maybe you were just being nice while I was a headache to you.
I still remember that last day,
I knew after this I wouldn't see you again,
I wanted to just tell you something but words didn't come out of my mouth,
And you just walked away,
Maybe you never even considered me your friend,
At the end of the day, all I really wanted to say was thank you,
Thank you for being nice,
Thank you for giving me this experience,
Thank you for making me smile,
Thank you because among all that teasing, body shaming, laughing maybe you were something I looked forward to.
You will always be an experience in my life. A distant memory. Which probably in the future I will never look at. You were after all my crush for a long time.
Maybe it was teenage attraction, maybe just a good friendship, there are lots of maybes but now I just don't want to explore.
Even today I am that same girl,
Just a little bit mature,
I still make mistakes,
But not the ones that I made in the past,
I have learned to ignore, forget, forgive and move on.
Life has taken me in a completely different direction and I am walking in it with a plan but not an expectation.
Even today I meet guys that are nice to me,
Even today I meet people I have fun with, I can talk to,
But I it's like I learned my lesson,
I don't get too close to them nor do I go ahead and let them.
Not another crush, don't have one, you don't want to be in a relationship right now,
I keep telling myself.
I still remember the time I let you go,
I decided to forget my crush,
Decided to let go of your thoughts,
Your voice, that feeling, everything.
Somewhere in my mind i hope i am not the same girl anymore but I know that deep down I am.
I know that I want to and I will meet a guy in the future that will love as I want to,
Who will take my hand in his and say, 'I am here for you, you are beautiful to me.'. and I will pour my heart out to him. I will build my forever with him. I will tell him everything in my mind and open myself up.
I don't know when it will happen but a girl can hope, right?
But until that time,
Somewhere in my mind,
Sometimes sitting silently
Sometimes while just a million thoughts are on my mind,
I will remember you.
That one guy who was nice to me,
That one guy whose goofiness I loved,
That one guy who was just my kind of goofy,
That one guy who was once my
FIRST CRUSH.
