stutter » a. irwin

chapter 21. insecure

❀ J U L I A ❀

Before I knew it, it was the day before the boys were supposed to go back on tour.

Ashton and I hadn't talked once.

In fact, the only person I had really contacted was Calum, who informed me that they were all just busy trying to finish a new song Ashton had came up with a week ago.

Although I didn't blame the boys, I hated that not being with them left me with nothing else to focus on but my thoughts. My mind couldn't help but wonder if this was just their way of distancing themselves from me and cutting off ties, if I was just too emotional for easygoing guys like themselves to handle. The idea certainly wasn't far-fetched.

When I wasn't worrying over that, I was stressing over my missing songbook. I had searched every place I could think of at least five times, and fear built up in my stomach whenever I considered the idea that it could be lost forever. That book contained my innermost fears, thoughts and experiences, and losing it felt like losing a huge chunk of who I was. Thinking of it in someone else's hands made me feel violated and my desperation grew each day I was without it.

Basically, the last few days for me were absolute crap.

That was why I was currently dressed in sweatpants that were three sizes too big on me and a huge t-shirt, attempting to watch Suits on Netflix while trying to ignore the fact that Ashton, Calum, Michael and Luke were going to be on a plane to Los Angeles in less than 24 hours.

Obviously, it wasn't working. Just as I turned the volume louder so I could hear Harvey yell at Donna, my phone rang.

"Hello?"

Calum's voice greeted me on the other end of the line. "We just finished recording our song and it sounds epic!"

"That sounds great!" I said, trying to match the happiness in hiss voice but failing miserably.

"We should go out and celebrate, I've got a demo of the song to give to you." He continued obliviously.

I looked down at my clothes and cringed at my knotted hair. "I don't really think i'm up for-"

"C'mon Julia," Calum sighed, and I could almost picture him rolling his eyes at me. The similarities between him and Rachel were unbelievable. "It's the night before we leave tomorrow, don't be such a Debbie Downer!"

I couldn't stop the laugh that escaped my lips. "Debbie Downer?" I questioned.

"I heard it from somewhere," he replied offhandedly. "I think it's American or something."

That only made me laugh harder, and I realized that besides Ashton, I would definitely be missing Calum the most. He always knew how to cheer me up at the worst possible moments.

"I'm actually going to miss you Hood," I admitted, and I could hear him sigh at the other end of the line.

"I'm not fucking dying." he chuckled. "Six months will pass by like nothing, and then we'll be back and you and Ash can have wild reunion se-"

I coughed loudly, trying to block out Calum's words, but he continued on.

"-and more importantly, I'll be back and then we can party!"

"You really like partying," I wryly noted.

"Exactly, which is why we have to go out tonight!" he said enthusiastically. "Listen, drinks will even be on me."

I pretended to think about it, but I knew that by the end of the conversation Calum would have me convinced of going. However, my only priority as of now was speaking to Ashton because I had to smooth things out between us before he left, once and for all.