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Sometimes 

I just feel, 

Tired. 

I know I say that I'm tired a lot, I know that I should "expand" my vocabulary to find other words to explain my feelings. But, there is nothing else I can say to describe my feelings other than, tired. 

What I'm feeling is so intense, so complex, so hectic that tired is all I can use to describe it. I'm tired of the way my life is, how my brain works, my flaws, my attributes, everything. 

Every point in my life, school, friendships, my relationship with my parents. I get assignments day after day, I get new ones before I can finish the previous ones. My teachers and parents think it's so easy because it's virtual so they pile on more and more stress and work. They ignore any signs of asking for help, any signs of us dying slowly inside.

 All my parents do is hassle me. They blame me for being lazy and that anything I'm doing right now is worthless and they could do it with their eyes closed. The only time they "care" is when they want something. They haven't noticed I haven't eaten in three days and I doubt they care.   It's so tiring. 

My relationships with my friends falter daily. They only talk to me when they want something. When they need someone to rant to about their problems but aren't open to hearing others. When they ask me for the homework because they were too lazy to even read the assignment. When they want something for their own benefit. But when they see me struggling all of a sudden it's "I care about you" " I don't want to see you hurting" " You can always talk to me, I'm listening". 

I'm so stressed, so confused, feeling a sense of emptiness, a feeling of panic. I just want it to stop. I'm so tired of it. 

I was ready, ready to find any source of relief, a place where I could feel, where the happiness I felt was accepted and not just a waste of time. Where I wouldn't have to worry about every aspect of my life. I didn't care about the people who "cared" for me or the things I had to do or the things I had in the future. I just wanted here and now to just, stop. I was so close to relief to my release. But, that's when I met you. 

You seemed so, happy? You weren't like everybody else, your smile was genuine. You didn't have that presence of that same black cloud I've seen in everything. You were the first thing I've seen that shined amongst all the dullness. You weren't stressed, you weren't looking for that sense of freedom, of that sense of, I don't know, release. You were completely serene. 

"Hi" 

"Hi" 

A few months go by and you knew more about me, how dull I was. I was very self-conscious, to even be around you. 

"I'm sorry." 

"What for?" 

"I'm so dull, you shine so brightly and I feel like I'm diminishing that light by being around you" 

"What? I don't think you're dull. I could never think that. You're the most complex person I've met. You can see the things regular people can't, you can see when somebody isn't genuine when somebody is hurting when somebody is angry, and when people are being selfish. Even though you've been around these persuading factors, you still know yourself. Any regular person would have lost themselves, but you have never lost that sense of self that you have. People are so lost in who they want to be that they are blinded and can't see who they really are. To me, you're a puzzle, searching for your perfect missing piece amongst puzzles that have pieces that don't fit pushed together so they can call themselves 'finished'." 

I will never forget those words you said to me. You gave me hope, hope to find my missing piece. It didn't take me long to find that my missing piece, was you.