Shadows in my Mind

Chapter One

Tansypaw shifted in her nest, feeling something stab uncomfortably into her side. After a few more moments of shifting around, she let out a hiss and stood, her tail flicking irritably.

"Tansypaw? What's wrong?" A voice drew the apprentice's attention, and she looked to see her mentor, Hazelstrike, in the entrance to the den, a mouse settled at her paws.

"The nest," Tansypaw replied with a huff. "Something is pricking me."

Hazelstrike blinked at her apologetically, and Tansypaw felt a flash of irritation and guilt at the caution she saw in her mentor's gaze.

"Let me look. The other apprentices might have accidentally left some thorns or burrs in the moss." Hazelstrike nudged the mouse towards Tansypaw. "In the meantime, I brought you this mouse."

Tansypaw twitched her ears and stepped out of the nest, huffing softly. The apprentice crouched down near the mouse, touching her nose to the prey to find that it was still warm - Hazelstrike had caught it recently, just for her. Her mentor took her place in the nest as she began sifting through the moss. Tansypaw took a bite of the mouse, but the flavor that once would have made her purr in delight was lost on her tongue, and as she chewed and swallowed, the food became little more than a lump of meat curled into her stomach, hard-packed and indigestible.

The sandy brown apprentice was 10 moons old, confined to the medicine den, and treated like a sickly kit. Her tail tip twitched as she remembered the day, over a moon ago now, that she'd had her first attack. No one in camp truly knew what happened, aside from Cranestar, Dropletfur, and Hazelstrike. Tansypaw closed her eyes as she took another bite, feeling the familiar confusion and anger over the incident.

According to Hazelstrike, Tansypaw had seemed suddenly distracted - the word that her mentor, in her kindness, decided to use instead of crazy - and a few moments later she slumped to the ground, convulsing violently. Tansypaw herself had no such recollection - she merely remembered a dark grin lunging towards her in the darkness. She had woken in the medicine den the following day, stiff and confused. When asked what had happened, the apprentice had simply shaken her head and mumbled that she had felt dizzy, that was all.

How would they understand what I saw if I can't explain it myself? Tansypaw thought, swallowing another mouthful of her meal. If anything it would make them hover more than they already do.

The only reason she'd been kept in the medicine den was because she had reportedly had other convulsions after this event as well. All Tansypaw could recall were some slimy and dark dreams; she would appear on the edge of a forest, dripping with some sort of sticky substance that gave it an eerie haze. The red eyes made an appearance in the bushes, blinking in and out of view as they followed Tansypaw, but she stayed far from the forest. She would always wake up shivering violently - in her dream the environment was so cold that Tansypaw was sure if she stopped moving her paws would become permanently attached to the darkly-colored grass. And so she walked, or sometimes ran if some noise spooked her, while the grass crunched noisily underpaw. Everything about the dream world radiated one message: there is no hiding.

With a slight shudder, Tansypaw stood, pushing the remains of the mouse to the side. Hazelstrike noticed her movement and watched her curiously.

"I'm going for a walk," the apprentice mewed.

Hazelstrike frowned. "You barely touched your mouse."

She breathed a silent sigh. "I'm not very hungry. I'm sorry."

"Even so," her mentor continued. "You aren't allowed to go alone."

Tansypaw frowned deeply, displeased at the reminder that she was completely tethered. "It's just a quick walk."

"No." Hazelstrike looked back into the nest and smiled suddenly, ducking down and then popping back up with a thistle between her teeth. She carefully deposited the prickle on the floor of the medicine den. "I'll let the others know to be more careful. If there are thistles in your nest then there could be thistles in other nests too."

Tansypaw lashed her tail lightly, but didn't respond. That isn't fair.

Her mentor glanced back at her and gave a smile, then sighed. The chocolate she-cat stood and took the few strides towards the apprentice, touching her nose lightly to her ear. "I know. I'm sorry."

Tansypaw pulled away. "You  don't know."

Hazelstrike sighed. "Okay, fine, I don't. But I'm still sorry."

"Sorry doesn't help me." Tansypaw snorted. "It's just one walk. Please? I promise I'll be quick."

Her mentor regarded her for a few moments, and she felt hope rising in her chest. Then Hazelstrike gave a firm shake of her head. "No."

The sandy brown she-cat felt her face drop and anger rise in her stomach. "Fine," she growled, turning towards the den entrance and stomping out.

Once outside, she stopped and let her eyes adjust to the lighting. It was after dawn, the sun bright and casting a warm glow onto the campground. The medicine den behind her was a mere burrow, where not much lighting came down into - not the best place for storing and sorting herbs, which was why the burrow was merely the patient ward. The entrance was overshadowed by bushes, which gave it a "tucked out of the way" feel. As Tansypaw trotted into the sunlight, she saw Spotpaw emerging from the apprentice's den, stretching and yawning luxuriously. A few moments later, Snapperpaw came out after her, Sedgepaw right on his heels.

The familiar jealousy twisted in Tansypaw's chest as she saw them meet with their mentors, the apprentices' eyes alight with excitement despite the early hours.

I want to learn things, too… the sandy she-cat thought, her stomach sinking. I just want to be normal, like them.

"Tansypaw?" A soft voice drew her attention, and she realized her mentor had followed her from the den. "I'm here for you to talk to. If… if you need it."

The apprentice allowed her shoulders to slump, strangely sad rather than bitter. "I just want to be like them," she meowed softly. "I don't want to feel like everyone avoids me or like I'm about to explode at any moment. I don't want to feel like an experiment anymore." Hazelstrike was silent. Tansypaw sighed heavily and stood, mumbling. "Nevermind. It doesn't matter anyways."

"No, Tansypaw. You're right."

She glanced at her mentor, confused. "Right about what?"

"We're worried for your health. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be allowed to progress or learn. And it especially doesn't mean that we should coddle you." Hazelstrike's expression was serious, a bit remorseful. "I will speak to Cranestar about continuing your training. For now, go and help patch the nursery up. Leaf-fall is coming up quick, and you know that the nursery needs all the warmth it can get."

Tansypaw was momentarily stunned, and she didn't know how to respond. A moment or two later, she was still trying to formulate a response, and Hazelstrike nudged her forcefully in the direction of the nursery. "Go on, now. If you do a good job I'll take us out battle training later."

The apprentice nodded and trotted over to the nursery, which could largely be described as a mass of brambles, vines, and impenetrable dreams. It was surrounded by thick grass that looked a lot tougher than it was, and was stationed on a hill to prevent flooding as much as possible. As Tansypaw looked it over, she could identify a few places that could be weak points. Smoketail and Vineclaw were working together to weave more vines into the barrier, while Cricketpool brought in more supplies from outside with the help of Ambermist. As Tansypaw approached, Cricketpool waved his tail in greeting while Vineclaw nodded her head. Despite the welcoming atmosphere, the tan apprentice could still see the apprehension in her Clanmate’s eyes. As she hooked some vines in her claws and began seeding them through the wall, she felt her previous shock and hope fading slightly. I may have escaped sitting in the medicine den all day. But everyone is still scared of me, and no one even understands why.