Forever? ~ RitsuMao

driver's license

~ listen to driver's license pls

He sat in his car, remembering when they talked about this moment. It was sweet but solemn. He'd gotten his driver's license last week and was excited until he recalled those moments from years ago. The day that they talked about them getting their driver's license. Ritsu was ecstatic to think as Mao would pull into his driveway, and he was, well, never excited. Mao decided to take the long way to school today, wiping the tears that started.

He watched as the lights changed, going from red, yellow, eventually getting to green, and he'd go. He noticed things he hadn't before. The street lights were still on. The radio played softer, kinder music now. He wasn't sure if he wanted to notice anymore. He saw the other in everything now. The street lights were the light that Mao saw in Ritsu's eyes when he talked about something he enjoyed. The music was the way that Ritsu talked. Mao took a deep breath, seeing the school in the distance.

He was probably with that blonde girl now. Is all Mao could think about as he opened the car door. She always made him doubt. The thoughts continued, he rubbed his eyes. It was too early for all this. 'She's older, and everything I'm insecure about. That's probably why you like her. How could you love someone else?' He found his way through the front doors, allowing the intrusive thoughts to drown him. He had to blink to get used to the abnormally bright lights.

He sank into his homeroom seat, watching as his ex-best friend flirted in the doorway with someone that wasn't him. It hurt. He wanted that to be him so badly. 'God, I know we weren't perfect, but why her?' He thought, putting his head on the desk. He never felt this way about anyone. He wanted his best friend back. His heart longed to be touched. To be seen. To be loved by him. He needed him back in his life.

'How are you okay?' He thought, allowing the tears to start again. 'How are you okay, that I'm not there.' The bell rang, making him shoot up and look at the teacher that stood in front of the board. Everyone had settled into their seats already. The day slowly faded into the background as his thoughts became more and more persistent. All day long he saw them together, it wasn't fair. He couldn't stand it. 'How could you be so okay now that I'm gone.' The thought repeated. He knew it was selfish, but they promised they'd be together forever. He glided his hand across his neck, where a necklace was placed. The school day had ended, everybody went off to their cars or club rooms. Mao got into his car, the headache from earlier still raging on. He put his head on the steering wheel.

He searched in the glove box for the medicine he knew his mom kept in there, pulling out a CD he'd forgotten about. The one that Ritsu wrote for him. "Fuck." He mumbled. 'I guess you didn't mean any of it.' He thought, placing it back in there, deciding not to question why his mother still had this on hand.

The ride home wasn't as bad as he expected it to be, Until it came time to pass by his house. His hand found his way back up to his necklace, hovering over the letters that said 'forever'. A necklace Ritsu gave to him, right before they turned 15. He sighed as he drove by his house. The one that was right next to his.

He got inside of his home, taking off his shoes and walking a few feet, "Hi, mom." He smiled, watching her work in the kitchen for a minute before going upstairs. His phone buzzed in his pocket as he sat down his bag and pulled out his homework. "Sally! Why aren't you here?" He heard when he picked up. "Oh, I had a lot of homework. I couldn't come today." He hummed. Pretending was the best right now. "Okay! See you tomorrow then! Good luck!" The voice hung up. 'They're probably tired of hearing how much I miss you.' He thought, sitting down at his desk.

He felt bad. They wouldn't understand what Mao saw in Ritsu. They wouldn't get to know him the way Mao did. If he was honest, He didn't want them to. He wanted to be selfish. He longed as he looked around his room, seeing all of the pictures of them from the years. 'God.' He placed his head on his desk.

'I can't believe I took the long way just because of you.' He thought as he turned the knob on the door. 'I can't believe I pictured you were there with me, holding my hand.' He made his way downstairs for dinner. His parents, smiling and talking about their day as he watched them fall in love more and more. He wanted that.

"Thank you for dinner," He smiled back to his parents, who were cleaning up the kitchen. His mom came over before letting him go upstairs and placing a kiss on his forehead. "I love you. Goodnight." She smiled and shooed him. The look she gave him, almost broke him.

He went upstairs and turned the faucet on, letting the water warm up. He knew he shouldn't cry, but that didn't stop him. He looked at himself in the mirror. 'I know that we weren't perfect,' He leaned on the counter. 'But I've never felt this way before.' The thought returned, tears falling into the sink.

He let the hot water fall into his skin, burning ever so slightly. 'I don't want to think about you anymore.' He contemplated. 'You don't think about me.' He assumed, washing his hair out. "How are you okay now that I'm gone." He hit the wall. It's not fair. It'll never be fair.

"How could you write that song, and not mean any of it." He mumbled, getting out, 'I don't wanna drive past your house alone.' He continued. The fog on the mirror allowed for him not to see himself, and for once he was grateful. He was steadily hating what he saw.

He laid in his dark room, the silence deafening. He peeked at the time. 2 am. He needed to get out for at least a little bit. He snuck out quietly, knowing his parents would not be happy if they caught him, but he needed this. He started the car, the sweet sound of the engine starting, calming him down.

It was slightly unsettling seeing barely anyone out, but it made it more comfortable to drive. The red light flashed before him. He took a deep breath and permitted himself to untense his shoulders. Today had been too much.

He drove a little further, coming to a stop sign, slowing down and watching as another car went past. The reflection that he saw when it passed, scared him. It was him. 'No, it couldn't have been.' He decided, passing another house. He blinked as he saw Ritsu's figure flash before him. He sighed, what was going on? His shoulders had tensed again.

Mao passed by their old middle school. He smiled to himself, until he saw another Ritsu flash before him. "Oh my god, can I enjoy anything?" He yelled. He stopped, taking a deep breath before pressing on. He was determined to forget.

'I don't wanna love you.' He thought, 'Why do I have to love you?'

The 5'6 male yearned to walk on the sidewalks again with his best friend. He pleaded to go back. Why did things have to change like this? He debated as he parked the car. While he appreciated being able to drive. These thoughts were tiring.

He looked at the park that stood in front of him. He tried to smile, remembering how much Ritsu hated it when he dragged him out here. He bit his lip, trying to fight back the tears. He grazed the necklace once again. 'You can be my forever in my dreams, right?' He pondered, making his way over to the swings. A few cars passing by and allowing for Mao to imagine it was Ritsu saying yes. 'Good.' He smiled, imaging how they could be laughing right now, but instead were miles apart.

He let the feelings out, after having to hold them in for so long. 'I don't wanna be through.' He pleaded inside. 'I want you back.' He only thought he could manage right now. As the trees watched him break, the lights flashed in the distance. He knew this was the point of no return. He stayed there for longer than he intended, but it was more peaceful than home. A home that most people would be grateful for. 'I still love you.' He placed his hands on his forehead, sinking further into the hellhole, that he called his mind.

'Of course, I knew that we weren't perfect.' He returned to his car, wiping the tears off of his face. 'I'd be silly not to, but that didn't stop me feeling this way.' He choked on the returning tears. He found peace in the sweet hum of the car, sinking into the seat.

'You're not okay, are you?' He felt self-centered. This shouldn't be about him. He wanted Ritsu to be happy, but was he really without him? He reached over to the glove box again, fiddling with the handle for a second before finding what he wanted. He looked at the cd, letting his fingers follow with the curves of the letters. 'Forever' It said. He had decided to listen to it, just one more time. 'Did you really mean it?' He thought, driving home. 'Maybe you did at some point.' He drove past Ritsu's house, longing to be with him. He stopped the car, and sat. 'You deserve to be happy.'

He rubbed the necklace one more time as the song started again. He looked over to his ex-best friends house. 'Forever, but not right now.' He smiled.