Hybrid: The Prophecy

Chapter 5

My dad's not on duty the following night, but he let all of the guards know that I have full access to visit Kai whenever I want. They all think it's due to me questioning him in little bits and pieces, trying to get more out of him each time. I hope they never find out the really reason.

For the third night in a row, I leave the house after I know my mom is asleep, not worrying about my dad since he already knows. Tonight, I don't bother shifting. I'm not planning to run through the woods to try and tire myself out. I'm heading straight to the cells to see Kai again, and a midnight walk seems like a great way to calm the nerves at the prospect of being in a confined space with him again.

I wish my body didn't react this way at the mere thought of him. I wish it didn't act anyway when it came to Kai. I wish he had just been another hybrid. If that was the case, we wouldn't be in this situation right now.

It's my fault that Kai is alive. When Hayden and I were fighting the hybrids last week, I had an opportunity to kill Kai, and I couldn't. I've tried to hard to block out that small memory, to pretend it had never happened. Even though it ended up being better for us to have the leader alive, I still hate that I couldn't kill him.

I tell myself I hate him. He tried to destroy my entire way of life for his own personal gain.

I hate myself even more for knowing that I could never hate him. If I truly hated him, I wouldn't have hesitated when our eyes met that night. I wouldn't have hesitated in the midsts of the battle as weakened hybrids fell to the ground around me. I wouldn't have hesitated at the clear opening I had to end his life.

I would't have turned a blind eye when I saw him slip through into woods.

No. I can't blame myself for letting him go like I did. I may not accept him as my mate, but I can't do anything about the mate bond. It's there, and it's very real. I wish I could have easily killed Kai, but I know that if I had killed him, I would hit the kind of low that very, very few people experience in their lives.

Having your mate die is one of the worst, most painful things someone could experience. It's like having half of your heart ripped right out of your chest, leaving only half a heart to somehow pick up the pieces to keep going. It's the kind of pain that no one would wish upon anyone. Not even their worst enemies.

Killing Kai would have meant that I would have had to go through that. It's not that I don't think I could never get back to myself after that kind of pain, but I don't want to have to experience it at all.

Locking Kai up was the next best option, but I don't know how much better it really is seeing as I've been there with him the past two, about to be three nights.

I reach the cells, and I come out of the thought spiral I was going down. I nod at the two guards on duty and they let me in without a word. It's easy sailing all the way down, and the moment the guard opens the metal door that leads to Kai, my jitters come at full force. I step through the doorway and listen to it shut behind me, finding Kai's blue eyed gaze right away. In the dark colors of the cells, his eyes are easily the brightest thing in the room.

I'm the first one to speak tonight.

"Hi."

"Hi," he responds, a small smile playing on his lips. He comes into the light and sits in front of the bars again. As I slide down to the floor with my back against the door, I see the flash of discomfort across his face as he inhales the air near the bars.

"You don't have to sit to close, you know."

"I know." He doesn't make any move to move, and I push away the little butterflies that try to flutter around my stomach.

I lean my head back against the door, staring into his eyes to try and figure everything out. What everything actually is, I do not know.

Kai stares right back, his gaze never wavering under my cold one. One day, I want to be able to have a true intimidation stare down with him to see who really would win. I know it would be me, but I want that satisfaction of it actually happening.

"Are you going to be here every night?" Kai asks quietly.

I want to say because I wish the answer was no, but I know it's not the truth.

"I don't know," I say, because although that's my plan right now, I don't want it to be permanent. I want to be able to sleep peacefully without visiting my mate to calm the nerves that build up form being separated for an entire day. I don't know how Brynn did this for two weeks, and she and Max are a match made in heaven.

Kai seems to accept my answer. Another comfortable silence settles over us, and for a strange second, I feel content. I feel okay with where I am and who I'm with, like the only thing that matters is that I'm with my mate. There's no worry or panic about who he is or what's going to happen next. It's just me and him, basking in the simple presence of one another.

And then I remember who my mate is and where I actually him, and that moment of being content is long gone. I'm so shocked with myself for feeling that way that I bolt to my feet and bring my hands to my head. I start pacing the small length of the cells, running a hand through my hair as I realize what just happened.

"Woah, Amara," Kai says, standing up as well only not as abruptly as I did. "What happened. Are you okay?"

I hate that he sounds like he's actually, genuinely concerned about what's happened to me. I hate that I can't just tell him like a normal person would be able to tell their mate when something was wrong.

I can't tell him because the answer is him. This bond that we have is doing so much to my body and mind, and I hate that I don't have control of how it affects me.

"No, Kai, I'm not okay," I say, my voice cracking as I stop pacing right in front of him. I turn my entire body so I'm facing him and drop my arms down to my sides. "I'm not okay at all. My mate is a psychotic killer who tried to destroy my entire world, and no matter how much I try to fight the bond, it doesn't stop! It keeps making me think these things and feel these things that I don't want to think or feel! Giving into these-these emotions means betraying every single person in my life, including myself. How am I suppose to live normally with that constant battle replaying over and over in my mind?" I sniffle, wiping my nose as I wait for the inevitable tears to come. I'm suddenly a hot mess.

"Amara, give me a chance. Please," Kai begs, his voice so full of longing and pain that I almost start nodding. I catch myself and quickly shake my head back and forth.

"I can't, Kai," I say, my voice breaking as I say his name and the tears begin to fall. "Even if I wanted to, I can't."