Toxic

Chapter 2: Survive

Shock
Anthony

The teal blue tourniquet compresses my left bicep so tightly I can feel my vein pulsating throughout my forearm. The kind lady with the mask painted in flowers brings out a pint-sized bag to hook up to the IV that is about to penetrate my skin. I don't like needles, and that's a lot of blood. I'm also confused as to why the lady taking my blood is still wearing a mask. The president of North Carolina literally made a speech following the death day announcement last week about how, since everyone is infected, masks aren't necessary anymore. It's not like we can prevent contracting the virus anymore. Maybe she's just showing off her art work? I shouldn't be so quick to judge. I'm trying to work on being a more positive person lately.
The flowered mask lady pulls out an antiseptic wipe and now my arm smells like hand sanitizer. Another thing we as a society don't need to be crazy about anymore. Social distancing is over. Everyone is infected. Transportation is normal again for the most part. We can travel mostly anywhere again now, except not by air. Airline travel is restricted to government workers and for shipping and trade purposes. That means it's a hell of a lot harder to go out of what used to be the continental United States now. I mean, why would anyone want to anyways. I'm not really in a rush to go to someplace like China and witness the birth of another deadly pandemic. North Carolina, like almost all other countries within the American region, has been pretty self-sufficient. The lasting impacts of quarantine still seem to linger, since most people don't travel anymore. Everyone pretty much just stays within their own state. States trade resources when needed, but apparently more states are making the move to become more and more independent as their own nations. It's still taking some getting used to. On the bright side, I can drive anywhere I want now, and don't need that special letter of permission to travel. The only exception is that we won't be allowed on public transportation or in public places within a month of our death date. Also, when you are predicted to start developing symptoms, you are required to check into your local hospital. I guess that makes sense, considering you don't want to visibly see people start to die in front of you while you're waiting in line to buy a movie ticket or something. Haha. The real movie here is what our world has become.
The flowered mask lady pulls out the lovely needle that is about to drain a pint of my blood. Again, I hate needles. This isn't gonna be fun. It's gonna put me in a bad mood the rest of the day. I imagine I'll feel drained and weak too, since they're taking so much blood for the test. Great, both physically and emotionally drained, what an amazing combo. My face turns as red as the hazard waste bin as she sticks the needle in. I instinctively wince for a good ten seconds until I open my eyes to see the line of blood throughout the IV line tube. Now I just have to wait until the bag fills up. The rest of my friends told me how bad I'm gonna feel after they drain all the blood they need to do the test. I'm not looking forward to it. At least I'm not like Scarlett, though. Apparently Scarlett needed to give two whole pints of blood. I didn't even think that was possible, or even legal? I guess old federal laws are kinda up in the air nowadays until states solidify whatever they're gonna try to change for themselves. Scarlett said she pretty much slept for two days after the test. I hope the news is worth it. Imagine being so weak from getting blood taken for a test that tells you you'll die in a month. Apparently all the test results across the entire American countries are gonna be released exactly 2 weeks from now, on June 2nd. The very day after our incredibly fancy, virtual graduation. I'm the last of my friend group to get my blood drawn for the test, and also probably one of the last in North Carolina, too. They assign you a day alphabetically by last name, and naturally, the name Villanueva would land on the last day of testing.
I notice myself getting a bit sleepy. I try to keep myself awake, so I check my phone. I see 67 unread messages from the group chat. I open it and try to read through them all, but it's mostly just Blake sending memes, Rachel getting easily offended but clearly begging him to give her attention, Scarlett talking about something serious going on in the world, and then Meredith just "reacting" to a few messages now and then. Meredith used to be a lot more active in the group chat but now she rarely talks in it. She never even responded to me when I reached out to facetime her. I just assumed she's going through a lot right now. The topic of conversation of the majority of the 67 messages is about our virtual graduation in two weeks. Attending the virtual ceremony is "optional" though, since they can't make us be there and we're already getting our diplomas mailed to us soon. Rachel invited us all to her lake house for a long graduation celebration the day after, on June 2nd. It should be a fun few weeks of spending time with all of them, so I'm definitely planning on going. It'll be the first time all of us will be back together since the beginning of quarantine in mid-March.
It's weird to think I'm about to graduate college. When I started college, I did not think this is how I would be spending my glorious last semester. I honestly envisioned myself getting Blake to fall in love with me by the time of graduation. I also imagined myself being completely out to everyone I know, including my family. I made a goal to come out to everyone by graduation. That obviously hasn't happened. Although, I would say I've come a long way in self-confidence since freshman year. I'm slightly improving towards that next step I'm gonna have to take at some point. I always thought I would only have to tell my family if I was in a relationship with another guy. But lately, I've come to accept and embrace being gay as part of my identity. I don't think I need to wait until I'm in a relationship to come out to them. But don't get me wrong, I am nowhere near ready to tell my parents. Especially not with the way things are right now in the world. Once things calm down, then I'd start to think about it, but even when things are more normal, it wouldn't happen for years until I know for sure they could handle it.
Finally my veins have done their job and the bag is full. The terrible needle is replaced with a small piece of gauze and medical tape. I stand up to head back to my car and begin to feel a bit dizzy and lightheaded, but that fades away as I keep walking. Once I get home I can feel my entire body screaming at me to plop on my bed and go to sleep, so I do.
• • •
It's June 1st. It's graduation day. But that also means tomorrow is June 2nd, the day I find out when I die. I woke up extra early today for a specific reason. I decided that today is the day I'm going to come out to my older brother, Henry. I wanted to at least come out to someone on my graduation day, so I can fulfill part of my ultimate goal. I'm shaking with anxiety even thinking about it, but I know it'll make me a stronger and more confident person in the long run. Besides, he has a life of his own now, so it's not like I have to see him if he doesn't necessarily accept me. Obviously I would want him to accept and love me for who I am, but I realize that that's not always possible. I'm preparing myself for the worst reaction, which would probably be us never talking again. It would hurt me a lot if that were to happen, but he is so absorbed in his own family life that I don't think news like this would cause him to go out of his way to cut me out of his life.
The weather is beautiful out today. I'm in an amazing mood. It's almost as if when the sun rose this morning it lifted my spirits along with it. I go out to my back porch and head down to the beach for my morning walk. This time I leave my flip flops behind so I can walk barefoot along the shoreline and feel the salty ocean drench my feet. As I begin alongside the crashing waves I search for my brother's contact in my phone. I take a deep breath and hit the "call" icon. The more I hear the ringing, the faster my heart races.
"Hello?", Henry answers.
"Hey Henry, it's Anthony.", I reply.
"What's up bro. How is everything going for you? Don't you have graduation today?"
"Yeah I do, in a couple hours actually. It's kind of a joke. But it's still a big deal I guess, haha."
"That sounds fun, haha. Is everything okay? You don't usually call. I thought you were more of a texting person."
"Yeah everything is all good here. There was something I wanted to talk to you about, though. It's nothing bad or anything, but it is pretty important."
"Okay, what's up?"
"So you know today is a big day for me, since I'm graduating and everything. It's kinda made me reflect back on all of college and made me think about how much I've grown into becoming who I am and being more in touch with myself and my identity.", I say as my voice begins to shake.
"Yeah of course."
"I've realized a lot about myself and I've become increasingly confident over the course of these past four years. I'm at a point now where I'm ready to tell you something about me that I haven't told many people at all."
"What is it? You're scaring me Anthony. Is it bad?"
"No, no. It's nothing you should be scared about. It's just a part of my identity, Henry... I'm gay."
"Oh, okay."
An awkward five seconds of silence passes by as I contemplate what to even say next.
"Do you still accept me and love me for who I am? I promise I'm not any different. I'm still the same little brother you grew up with, teased, played soccer with, and pushed on the swings on the playground."
"... Yeah I do. I just wasn't expecting this. Does this mean you aren't catholic anymore?"
"No, I'm still just as faithful as I've always been. This doesn't change anything."
"Okay, that's good then."
"Yeah, but that really doesn't matter as much to me. This has been a big part of me that I've been holding inside for a while, it feels good to finally tell you."
"Are you sure it isn't just a phase? You had girlfriends in high school."
"What? No, it isn't a phase. It's who I am. It's not like this is something I've chosen. It's not a choice, I've been this way for as long as I remember. It's just a matter of who I'm attracted to. The girlfriends I had were just because I was confused and thought I had to live a certain way, even if I knew it wasn't who I really was. Now I finally can be myself, for the most part, at least."
"Are you gonna tell Mom and Dad?"
"No, definitely not for a long time. They aren't ready for it, especially not now with everything going on. But more importantly, I'm not ready to tell them."
"They deserve to know, though. Like, what if their death day test results reveal that they are gonna get sick soon. It's fair that they know who you are now."
"Okay, but... I'm not ready. I'm gonna tell them when I feel like it's the right time. It's not something that they need to know about me yet, I still have time."
"Okay, I guess."
"Do you still love me?"
"Of course I still love you, you're my little brother. It's just gonna take me a bit to get used to it I think."
"Okay, I understand that. Thanks for letting me tell you."
"Yeah."
"I hope you're doing well. Let me know what your death day tests results are as soon as you get them tomorrow."
"Thanks, you too. Let me know yours too, and Mom and Dad's as well. Hopefully we all have a long time left together."
"Yeah, I hope so too, and will do. Te amo hermano."
"Te amo."
That was one of the weirdest phone calls I've ever had. I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't the worst possible outcome. But at the same time, it didn't go as well as I liked it to. I reach the pier now, and turn around for the second half of my walk back home.
I let out a huge sigh. That was so hard to do. I do feel a lot better, though. A small part of me feels a lot more free now. Whether or not he ends up coming to terms with who I am, that's on him. All I need to focus on right now is that happy feeling that's radiating in me right now for even making a big step like that. I'm smiling for the first time in a while. Even though it's at a slow pace, I'm getting a bit closer to finally being able to stop living a lie.
I'm almost reaching my back porch when I step on a sharp seashell, which slices open the base of my big toe. The blood that starts gushing out of my toe mixes with the ocean water that the most recent wave brought to my feet. It stings like hell. I limp to the back porch of my house, sit down on the old chair, and press a towel on it until the bleeding stops. Why does something like this happen when I'm just starting to feel good again. Oh well. I'm not letting something stupid like this ruin my mood. I have graduation to look forward to now in an hour. I slip my flip flops on and head inside the house to get a band-aid for my toe. I walk in to see both my parents sitting on the couch in the living room without the TV on, which is extremely weird. They both have the weirdest facial expressions. They look like someone just died.
"Is everything alright?" I ask.
"Can you come sit down?" My Mom sharply asks.
"We need to talk." My Dad adds in abruptly as I sit down on the couch across from them.
My heart skips a beat. They must know. My hands perspire with sweat like never before.
"Your brother was kind enough to tell us about something we should have been told a long time ago. I think you know what we are talking about." My Mom says firmly.
"Oh. I umm. I didn't know when or how to tell you guys."
"It's okay, Anthony. I'm glad he told us when he did. This is a serious matter. It's not too late to help you find treatment. Father Ricardo at St. John's church knows a great program with remarkable success in helping people like you remember who you really are." My Dad says to me with a warm and concerning tone.
"Are you serious? You think this is some disease? I can't believe this. I'm gay, Dad. It's who I am. I'm the same son I've always been. I'm not going to any program. This is not something that needs to be changed. This is exactly why I wasn't ready to tell you guys."
Once they both realized I was actually serious about being gay, and not just some confused, diseased young boy, their tone changed to the nastiest I've ever heard them talk to anyone ever before.
"How could you do this to us. How could you live this disgusting lifestyle. You are not our son. You are not the boy we raised. I don't know who you are anymore!" My Mom screams at me with tears in her eyes.
"What? Mom, no. I'm still Anthony." I utter as I start to cry.
"You will not live under this roof if you even think you will bring another man into your arms. I did not raise a disappointment. You will either stay here and follow the normal way of life like my true son would, or you choose to live your homosexual life somewhere else and spend an eternity in hell. We will have nothing to do with it." My Dad yells as his face turns red.
My anxiety peaks and my tears uncontrollably flow as I run into my room to get the suitcases I already packed for when I leave tomorrow for Rachel's lake house. I grab some extra essential items I need and exit my room for the last time ever, saying goodbye to my old life. With my breathing and crying still out of control I stomp past them. I use the fuel of my anger to calm myself enough just as I stop at the door so I can turn around to them one last time.
"You are not my parents." I bitterly say to them as I slam the door shut behind me.
The entire twenty step walk to my car at the end of the driveway felt like an alternate reality. My vision was distorted by how out of control my heart rate, tears, and emotions all were at the time.
I pack the suitcases in my trunk and get into the driver's seat. I realize my toe is bleeding again, and I never got a band aid for it. I'm gonna need a much bigger band aid to heal the larger wound in my heart. I start the car and put the gear in drive. I begin to drive away without ever looking back.