The Suicide Note

To Everyone in My Life

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE

I have finally decided. I'm done. I'm done with the bullshit of this world, I'm done with living like this, being blanketed, surrounded, covered, suffocated... in this darkness, sadness, uncertainty. I'm done being alive.

So, I'm leaving. Leaving this... mortal world.

But I decided, that I want to write a longgg note before I go. Because I hated when my favourite celebrity left without one. I don't want you guys to be looking for clues, for where you went wrong, I don't want to be a "mysterious suicide", a police case. So, I'll tell you my story, and I'll write it as long as I can.

I am Shiloh and I'm 17 right now. I've had a pretty fun life. I had every material thing you could need while growing up. I even had good friends, a girlfriend and an average set of parents. But....some things have changed in the last 3-4 years. Two years ago, I realised I was bisexual. An year ago I came out to almost everyone, except my parents. Because they will never understand that. They will never in reality, understand me. And I guess that's where my problem began. I guess, my "family" was never normal. My parents have fought, regularly and constantly, since... basically forever. And at some point it stopped bothering me, mom dad. I stopped caring about your daily dramas. But then, you started blaming me mom, for everything and anything under the sun. You loved taunting me, and I hated it. Not because it was just hurtful, but also because most of it was nonsense, things I had never done, or you had exaggerated to such high standards that I could have never imagined. But then, one day, I stopped fighting you back too. I tried to pour away all that you said, everyday to me, every few hours. I just ignored everything, thinking that all your life's stress needs an outlet, and maybe i was helping. But boy, was I wrong. 

It's my fault, isn't? I assumed things. That's why you guys grew so distant, and maybe I was too childish. I should have acted more like an adult, taken responsibilities when no one did. I should have been a better daughter, given you no chances to complain, should had no male, or let's be honest, friends?

To all my friends, I'm sorry. I should have been a better friend, given you guys more time, and space whenever you needed. I should have been there for you when you guys were sad, going through break ups, achieving big things in life. I guess I was rarely there. I'm really sorry. Sorry that I was sad, depressed, I couldn't get up from the bed in the mornings, because I didn't have the will, no feelings and emotions left. And whenever I stepped out, anxiety would surround me, drown me along with the sounds and noises of the crowds.

And I understand, you couldn't stay with me, you had things to do in life. Unlike me. I could sleep and stay in my room, not give a damn about school and still pass the exams, but you had to work hard for it. But you guys still talked to me, and I'm so grateful for that. And I understand, being beside me ALL the time makes me awkward and annoyed sometimes... so it definitely must have made you awkward, even for a few hours.

I'm sorry, for making you feel that way.

And this one's for you Enya. She's my girlfriend, if you are not aware.

I love you, so much that I can't even myself imagine. And I'm sorry to leave you in the middle like this... but don't miss me and cry for me, please. You've already done so much for me. And I'm scared that if I stay here, I'm going to be a constant clingy parasite in your life, sucking the life out of you too. And thank you, for always being here for me. I wish you find a better partner, a better, stronger human than me.

And no, you absolutely can not blame yourself for this...action of mine.

I believe it is in fact, my fault. I can work on myself, better myself- bend and blend with everyone to be the good daughter, perfect friend, the amazing student. But that wouldn't be ME. It hasn't been any of those times I've tried to be just another person, tried to blend in. And if I can't be me... what's even the point; in living? Existing when you can't even be a shadow of who you really are, without being poked and prodded at every crossroads of society, a society whose thought processes I can never mold the right way, alone or together with some of you. The stereotypes, the discrimination, the patriarchy, and sometimes the stupidity even, it runs deep. And so, I've decided since I can't possibly ever escape this reality in which having individuality, thoughts that don't coincide with the stereotypes set by society are looked down and walked all over; I would like to end it.

And I want to clarify this, for anyone and everyone reading this. This, is my decision, and I'm taking it in all of my right senses. It's not "caused by" anyone else, I'm not blaming anyone except me through this letter. I'm just finally letting go of my will to live, and fueling my will to either escape or end this reality which is too painful to live through, and too easy to die for.

This, is a goodbye. A goodbye for every person who's been nice to me, even once. I hope you have a great life.

This, is a goodbye. A goodbye to the constant dilemma of "should I be me, be happy or should I live according to literally everyone and make them happy."  

This is a goodbye, to this cruel scheming brain of mine. The one which wouldn't give a moment of peace, an hour of happiness.

And I am, actually happy to say goodbye.