Of Obsessions and Possessions

Reflection (Episode 7 & 8 Recap)

I. REFLECTION

"Are you willing to become a monster yourself?"

Kim Min Jae's blunt honesty without prejudice, — how ever innocent it was questioning the remnants of my sanity, — was a stab at my heart, where it hurts the most.

All my life I held onto the belief that Monos and Probes should never meet one another, for a Mono's obsession was a terrifying thing. The obsession they have for their Probes, the addiction to the newfound colours, — drove Monos to become the worst versions of themselves; maddened to the point of no return, unstoppable until laws were broken and lives were taken, — without so much a care.
Essentially becoming the accursed monster everyone feared.

That was something I swore never to let myself become.

Until Go Yoo Han came crashing into my life.
Like a high speed freight train without brakes, there was no holding him back from making his mark in my life. No matter how much I resisted, I could never rid myself of him.
And I repeatedly wondered, if I really wanted to...

In the short time we've known each other, he had become a constant in my life.
Subconsciously, I would seek out the warmth of his body next to mine.
I would crave for the molten caramel of his eyes to stare at me, — and me alone.

It was alarming how effortless it was for him to integrate his presence in my life.
How deeply he has now embedded his soul with mine.

To think of living a life without him now, was no better than trying to live futilely without air to breathe.

Therefore, I hid.

I hid all the emotions I have for him.
The anticipation to see him at school the next day.
The joy when he taught me colours.
The excitement...
The happiness...
And, love...
— Every feeling I never had before Yoo Han, I hid them all.

With that, I hid as well the fear.

The fear of losing him.
The fear of how desperate my feelings were for him.
The fear of how much I yearned for him.
The fear of being completely obsessed with him.
And more importantly, — the fear of the impulsion to imprison him to me for life.

I don't think I would survive his rejection, his abhorrence, — should he ever come to know of the thoughts I had for him.

I agonised every moment worrying if my obsession has finally made me the monster I swore I would never become. The very thought of willingly causing him any harm, scared me more than I have ever been in life.

Therefore, I hid.
Therefore, I fear.
Therefore I am, — nothing more than a coward.

-.-.-.-///-.-.-.-

Looking at the assortment of paraphernalia before me, for a person who had gone stark raving mad, there was a strange calmness washed over me at this moment.
Have I finally lost it?

Picking up the hammer on my right,
'What on earth am I doing?' — a question I asked myself time and time again.
But this time, I had the answers.

'The monster is here for you, Go Yoo Han.
But there's no need to worry...'

As the noose tightened painfully around my wrist with every tug, it only served to reinforce my determinations further.

'Because I'll take the monster with me...'

Irony isn't it not? — That for a coward who wasn't willing to own up to my own feelings for you, was willing to lay down my life for you, instead.