Criminal Love

Chapter III

1987

Jordan's POV

I can see how, still with his body facing away from me, he stopped moving.

I momentarily regretted telling him in such a public place. God knows how he is going to react. One thing's for sure, he is not the same person he was six years ago.

Axl Rose, with an arm on his shoulder, whispered something to Izzy, probably telling him to leave but Izzy did not react. It's like he became a statue. What I said hurt him a lot even thought I did not want to. I find excruciatingly painful the idea of him even considering the fact that I abandoned him.

Many whispers started filling the hallway, all sorts of comments, pitiful, mean, comprehensive. Everyone was giving their own opinions on the situation but I only cared about one person's thoughts... and that was Izzy.

"Okay, everyone out. There's nothing to see here. We're sorry for all the noise, we'll tune it down." Axl and Niven jumped in as an attempt to preserve the little honor Izzy and I had left by telling all the curious spectators to return to their rooms. Soon enough, there were just Izzy, the rest of the band and Alan Niven left. Everyone was very silent, almost scared of breaking the silence that had set in.

God knows how much time after, a tall blond guy finally spoke. "Maybe we should go sleep and talk tomorrow." He put his hand on Izzy's shoulder and he finally reacted. He flinched and backed away so the blond guy wouldn't touch him, as if his hand was infected with some disease. He was looking at the floor, trying to place his thoughts in order  and, without looking at anyone, replied, "Leave. Go to sleep, everyone. I'm sorry for bothering." They all had worried looks on their faces and seemed very reluctant to actually leave. Izzy lifted his head and forced himself to look at them in the eye to give them a nod of reassurance and they started leaving, including myself, although I was behind them. I walked past him to go back to my room with the bag of chips I had bought in hand and looking at the floor to avoid crossing eyes with him.

"J-Jordan, wait." But he called out my name in a way that seemed like pronouncing it physically hurt him. I stopped walking abruptly and shut my eyes closed, hoping that would make me disappear. I slowly turned around and noticed he looked at me with emptiness, absolutely no emotion which scared me and I realized in that instant that I did not know him like I did before, I had to stop acting like he's the Izzy Bell I saved seven years ago.

"Come," he demanded softly but aggressively. He walked past me in the hallway and it took me a few seconds to react and I walked fast to catch up to him. I notice he wasn't wearing any shoes and just had socks on which would've made me giggle if we had been in different circumstances.

We reached a room door that was unlocked and he opened it widely to let me go in first. After he let me pass and got in, he cautiously and silently closed it, locked it and slowly turned toward me, leaning his head against the door for a few seconds while he exhaled loudly.
He quickly composed himself and stood up straight but neither of us spoke up. I awkwardly stared at him while he avoided looking at me in the eyes.
Unlike him, I couldn't take my eyes off of him.

Years have passed and he has changed so much yet so little. He doesn't have the face of an innocent kid with many distant dreams, hopes and aspirations, lively eyes and a powerful smile. His long jet black hair was very damaged and hid his perfect hazel eyes. His skin had become considerably paler than it was before. It had the shade that he used to buy his make up in to fit into the cross-dressing scene a few years back. Despite the fact that he is much taller than me, now that we were face to face, I had the impression he had become smaller, as if he had shrunk. It was only after paying very close attention to him that I noticed he did get smaller... but not in height, it was in weight. He was very thin. His arms were very defined and I observed the small track marks on both of them, some old and some fresh. Yet I knew that somewhere, deep inside, he was still my Izzy Bell. There's only so much that a person can change and I can see that he has gone through hell and back but I was willing to go through hell and back too just so I could have a shot at making things right.

"Before you say anything, I'm the one who owes you an explanation." I decided to speak up first as reassuringly as I could. "I guess I have to start from the beginning."
He wasn't looking directly at me but he was still very attentive, he clearly wanted an explanation from me.

"You already know that I ran away from home the moment I turned 18 because I needed to escape my foster parents, so I moved to Hollywood. Money was very tight and I had to start selling drugs to have enough money to afford a place to stay. As time passed, I got more and more involved and things became progressively more dangerous. I tried to keep you as far as I could from that but..."

"You couldn't, I noticed every time that you would come back home with bruises on your face or on your knuckles," Izzy responded, while his mind wandered as he remembered our dark past.

"Things were risky and one day I was forced to get involved with very bad people. They wanted me to do something I did not want to. I refused and they ratted me out to the police. They caught me with a lot of weed and a bit of coke. I went to jail and I couldn't reach out to you because if I did..."

"They'd come after me too." He knew the answer all too well.

"I had managed to keep you away well enough but contacting you was too risky. I couldn't let you throw your future away."

He cursed as he brought his hands to his hair in desperation. "But that was not up to you to decide, goddamn! If I didn't want to be involved, I wouldn't have wanted to marry you in the first place. I knew the risks and you just pushed me aside like I didn't matter."

"Izzy, deep down you know I couldn't do that. Don't treat me like the bad guy."
I tried to remain cool but I could feel myself getting desperate too.

He just ignored what I said and kept going. "And you didn't even contact me after you left. You weren't gonna reach out, were you? If we hadn't bumped into each other I wouldn't have seen you again." His eyes were filled with tears and mine too.

"I thought it was better if you moved on. It would be better for you if you found a good woman. I'm not good for you."

"Oh don't give me that bullshit. You were fucking scared. You finally had someone that was willing to accept you and you got scared and left like you always fucking do!" Izzy's voice was shaky and hysterical, but the tone wasn't loud. His eyes were like daggers and with each word he got closer to me but his proximity did not reassure me like I thought it would. Instead I was terrified, I was scared he would just snap. I tried taking a few steps back but he kept hovering me anyway.
"I fucking hate you and I don't want you in my life anymore!"

I was still taking steps back, but at the end of his sentence, I bumped into the bed and fell back on it. Despite the mattress being soft, I violently hit my head against it, and that's when Izzy woke up from his rage-fueled trance.

He looked deep into my eyes. The tears on his eyes carried a dense cocktail of emotions: resentment, unresolved anger, sorrow and now, regret.

"Fuck," said Izzy shakily as he started retreating away from me. Nevertheless, I still did not have the nerve to stand up from the bed. I was petrified by his presence and he noticed when he looked at me, his tears now apologetic and his bottom lip, shaky. Based on how his mouth was slightly open, he wanted to say something, perhaps an apology, but nothing came out. He kept slowly backing away from me but his back hit the wall. He immediately left the room quickly, leaving me alone, in shock.

I took a few minutes to catch my breath, which I noticed was extremely uneven. I had held it in for way too long. I closed my eyes for a few seconds, remembering the good times to keep me from breaking down and cry. He was right, I threw it all away and I'm the one to blame. He was the first person who made me feel joy. He was my first love and now I'm doomed to be alone.