back to you || ian jeffrey

late night phone calls

"beth, i am freaking out."

"tegan? it's the middle of the night. what's happened? are you okay?" bethan's voice was groggy, i had clearly woke her up. but; i didn't care.

"ian just messaged me, what the hell do i say? does he even deserve a response? i mean he ghosted me for a year, beth! he's a prick." i scrambled, pacing around my bedroom. i could practically hear bethan processing everything i was telling her. i continued, "but, i think i'm still in love with him b. like, he's such a dick. like, i hate him, but i love him, you know? i just wish he hadn't screwed things up."

"i know, teegs. but is it worth replying... like do you want to get involved with him again?" she asked me, this time much more seriously. i really had to think about her question. "okay, what did he say?"

"he said 'i miss you', what the fuck do i say to that? 'oh i miss you too let me come out to la and we can get back together because apparently you can't withstand a relationship unless i'm with you every second of the day'. ugh!"

"he is such a prick."

bethan continued to give me advice, as well as put up with my unnecessary ranting. collectively, we came to the conclusion that i should message him back, but not be overly friendly in my responses. i was going to be blunt, and mean, and show him that i'm not a little bitch that he could mess with. however, in our short interaction, i felt the urge to tell him how much i missed him too. because that was the truth.

i responded to him within an hour of his first message, but he was responding immediately. either he wanted nudes from me, or he was being sincere. i couldn't see an in between. ian made me that way. he made the decision to break my trust. he had to deal with that.