I'm Tired || Daisuga

- Rough night

WARNING: Contains thoughts of suicide and other triggering things, if you are easily triggered, please click away. (This notion will be above every chapter)

"He's a fucking basket case, I tell you!" I heard a voice outside the door of my hospital room, booming angrily.

Dad? I tried to mumble but it was as if my lips were sealed shut, forcing me to silently listen.

"Yes, I know, better than anyone that this is just a stunt he pulled for attention. He'll be out of here soon and everything will be just fine, Coach Ukai already said he was off the team so maybe his useless ass can start putting in some effort towards school instead of wasting all his time being a bench warmer." this voice was different, familiar nonetheless, but different. It was honey and smooth and deep with a slight rumble, the voice of the boy I'd been in love with for about a year now spoke about me in the way I always feared he would.

I knew it, I knew I was a burden, I knew Daichi would get tired of me, I knew if I broke down everyone would turn away from me, they'd leave, not wanting to deal with my screwed up head. He hates me, I mean, why wouldn't he? All I ever did was cause problems for him, he doesn't owe me anything; not support, not love, not anything. Why had I ever let myself hope that things would get better? It's obviously a flimsy fantasy to think of a pretty little world where everything is perfect and I'm happy!

I told you so. The sly voice creeped from the back of my mind, sneering at me in disappointment. You shouldn't have called Daichi when you did it, if you hadn't, the problem would have disappeared. The underlying message was obvious, it was me, I was the problem that needed to vanish, the one that needed to stop screwing up everyone else's lives with my own misery.

Looking up towards the door, I saw the back of Daichi's head as he faced my father. I could see the creased lines of my Dad's forehead, he furrowed his brows as his mouth moved around words I couldn't hear past the ringing in my ears. Everything was suddenly overloading my senses as my head seemed to catch fire, the screeching in my ears didn't stop, the headache didn't stop, the pounding of my heart and the rapid sporadic breathing didn't cease to deny me of oxygen, nothing was happening, but at the same time, everything was moving too fast.

As if it were on cue, I fell back onto the bed, unsure of when I'd sat up. I knew I was passing out, but how was that possible? How was it that I found myself aware of the shutting of my eyelids, aware of my sleeping body but still able to hear what they were saying?

"You know, I sort of wish Kiyoko and I got there a little later, things would've been so much less complicated if Suga had just died, I mean, nobody wants him around anyways!" Daichi's voice came out malicious and it warped towards the end, sounding less and less like his and more like the voice in my head that haunted me, filling my brain with negative thoughts.

Suddenly my eyes shot open and I sat up in the hospital room. It was still dark but I could see Daichi's sleeping figure on the cot, still in the corner of the room. My head spun for a second and I began to silently cry, holding back the whaling until it was painful. Everything was trembling, including my vision as sobs wracked through my body, my breathing refused to regulate and I realised through a blurry haze that it was a dream. Daichi wouldn't say those things, he doesn't hate me.

Are you sure? The thought echoed in my head, bouncing around and taunting me.

I slapped my hands over my ears, knowing damn well it wouldn't block the sounds. Curling up into a ball on the bed, I rocked back and forth, attempting miserably to soothe my anxiety attack. Pressing my eye sockets into my knees hard, I gasped in a breath trying to steady my heart, at the same time internally cursing myself for being so loud, I really didn't want to wake Daichi up, knowing he was already sacrificing enough for me, but I couldn't help the sound of distress from my mouth.

"Suga..?" his voice was full of concern and grogginess, it broke my heart to think about how much energy he wasted on me. I wish he'd stop being so nice to me, I don't deserve his kindness.

With an exhausted mind, I gave up on trying to be quiet, considering Daichi was awake. Sobbing almost hysterically, Daichi wrapped his arms around me, pulling me tight against his chest. I clutched at his T-shirt with a grip so fierce, as if he'd disappear or leave if I let go even the slightest.

"Hey now," he began, shifting his hand to run it through my dishevelled hair, "it's okay. Did you have a bad dream?" I could only answer by flinging my arms around his torso violently, still with an iron grip. He seemed to understand what I was implying. "I'm not going anywhere, if that's what you're thinking. It was just a dream alright Suga? It wasn't real." he soothed, having shifted his hand to my back, he stroked it comfortingly.

I could feel every muscle in my body start to unravel under his touch. My heartbeat slowed to a relatively normal pace and my breathing returned to normal fairly quickly, all thanks to him and his presence.

"I'm s-sorry, Daich-" I barely finished apologising before he was pulling me tighter against him and whispering into my hair.

"You have nothing to apologise for."

"But-!" another interruption came.

"Nothing." he said sternly, leaving no room for argument. "Now you're probably tired from crying so much, and even more so from trying to keep it quiet." he added, giving me a knowing look, "don't do that anymore, Okay? When you get anxious or start having bad thoughts and overthinking, tell me. You stay strong for everyone, but I don't want you to be strong for me, trust me. Were gonna get through this, you and me, together." he stated, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, then laid down with me still in his arms.

He didn't even wait for my answer before pulling the blanket over the both of us and squeezing me tight. My heartbeat picked back up, but this time it was a light, pleasant feeling, as opposed to the heavy dread from earlier. But that didn't matter, what mattered was that I felt safe in his arms, surrounded by the familiar scent of pine from his cologne, even if it was faded, the familiarity was most likely what pulled me back into a nightmare-less sleep.