I CRAWLED DEEPER INTO THE tree house. It wasn’t much more than a five-by-five-foot cube;
even Gerad couldn’t stand up straight in here. But I loved it. There was the one opening to
crawl into and then a tiny window on the opposite wall. I’d placed an old step stool in the
corner to act as a desk for the candle, and a little rug that was so old it was barely better
than sitting on the slats. It wasn’t much, but it was my haven. Our haven.
“Please don’t call me gorgeous. First my mom, then May, now you. It’s getting on my
nerves.” By the way Aspen was looking at me, I could tell I wasn’t helping my “I’m not
pretty” case. He smiled.
“I can’t help it. You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. You can’t hold it against
me for saying it the only time I’m allowed to.” He reached up and cupped my face, and I
looked deep into his eyes.
That was all it took. His lips were on mine, and I couldn’t think about anything
anymore. There was no Selection, no miserable family, no Illéa itself. There were only
Aspen’s hands on my back pulling me closer, Aspen’s breath on my cheeks. My fingers
went to his black hair, still wet from his shower—he always took showers at night—and
tangled themselves into a perfect little knot. He smelled like his mother’s homemade soap.
I dreamed about that smell. We broke apart, and I couldn’t help but smile.
His legs were propped open wide, so I sat sideways between them, like a kid who
needed cradling. “Sorry I’m not in a better mood. It’s just that … we got this stupid notice
in the post today.”
“Ah, yes, the letter.” Aspen sighed. “We got two.”
Of course. The twins had just turned sixteen.
Aspen studied my face as he spoke. He did that when we were together, like he was
recommitting my face to memory. It had been over a week, and we both got anxious when
it was more than a few days.
And I looked him over, too. No caste excluded, Aspen was, by far, the most attractive
guy in town. He had dark hair and green eyes, and this smile that made you think he had a
secret. He was tall, but not too tall. Thin, but not too thin. I noticed in the dim light that
there were tiny bags under his eyes; no doubt he’d been working late all week. His black Tshirt was worn to threads in several places, just like the shabby pair of jeans he wore almost
every day.
If only I could sit and patch them up for him. That was my great ambition. Not to be
Illéa’s princess. To be Aspen’s.
It hurt me to be away from him. Some days I went crazy wondering what he was doing.
And when I couldn’t handle it, I practiced music. I really had Aspen to thank for me being
the musician that I was. He drove me to distraction.
And that was bad.
Aspen was a Six. Sixes were servants and only a step up from Sevens in that they were
better educated and trained for indoor work. Aspen was smarter than anyone knew and
devastatingly handsome, but it was atypical for a woman to marry down. A man from a
lower caste could ask for your hand, but it was rare to get a yes. And when anyone married
into a different caste, they had to fill out paperwork and wait for something like ninety days
before any of the other legal things you needed could be done. I’d heard more than one
person say it was to give people a chance to change their minds. So us being this personal
and out well past Illéa’s curfew … we could both get in serious trouble. Not to mention the
hell I’d get from my mother.
But I loved Aspen. I’d loved Aspen for nearly two years. And he loved me. As he sat
there stroking my hair, I couldn’t imagine entering the Selection.
“How do you feel about it? The Selection, I mean?” I asked.
“Okay, I guess. He’s got to find a girl somehow, poor guy.” I could hear the sarcasm.
But I really wanted to know his opinion.
“Aspen.”
“Okay, okay. Well, part of me thinks it’s kind of sad. Doesn’t the prince date? I mean,
can he seriously not get anyone? If they try to wed the princesses to other princes, why
don’t they do the same for him? There’s got to be some royal out there good enough for
him. I don’t get it. So there’s that.
“But then…” He sighed. “Part of me thinks it’s a good idea. It’s exciting. He’s going to
fall in love in front of everyone. And I like that someone gets a happily ever after and all
that. Anybody could be our next queen. It’s kind of hopeful. Makes me think that I could
have a happily ever after, too.”
His fingers were tracing my lips. Those green eyes searched deep into my soul, and I
felt that spark of connection that I’d only ever had with him. I wanted our happily ever
after, too.
“So you’re encouraging the twins to enter, then?” I asked.
“Yes. I mean, we’ve all seen the prince from time to time; he looks like a nice enough
guy. A snot, no doubt, but friendly. And the girls are so eager; it’s funny to watch. They
were dancing in the house when I came home today. And no one can deny that it’d be good
for the family. Mom’s hopeful because we have two entries from the house instead of one.”
That was the first good news about this horrible competition. I couldn’t believe I’d been
so self-absorbed that I hadn’t thought about Aspen’s sisters. If one of them went, if one of
them won…
“Aspen, do you realize what that would mean? If Kamber or Celia won?”
He closed his hold tighter around me, his lips brushing my forehead. One hand moved
up and down my back.
“It’s all I’ve thought about today,” he said. The gritty sound of his voice pushed out
every other thought. All I wanted was for Aspen to touch me, kiss me. And that’s exactly
where the night would have gone, but his stomach growled and snapped me out of it.
“Oh, hey, I brought us a snack,” I said lightly.
“Oh, yeah?” I could tell he was trying not to sound excited, but some of his eagerness
came through.
“You’ll love this chicken; I made it.”
I found my little bundle and brought it to Aspen, who, to his merit, nibbled it all slowly.
I took one bite of the apple so he would feel like it was for us, but then I set it down and let
him have the rest.
Where meals were a worry at my house, they were a disaster at Aspen’s. He had much
steadier work than we did but got paid significantly less. There was never enough food for
his family. He was the oldest of seven, and in the same way I’d stepped up to help as soon
as I could, Aspen had stepped aside. He passed his share of the little food they had down to
his siblings and to his mom, who was always tired from working. His dad had died three
years ago, and Aspen’s family depended on him for almost everything.
I watched with satisfaction as he licked the spices from the chicken off his fingers and
tore into the bread. I couldn’t imagine when he’d eaten last.
“You’re such a good cook. You’re going to make someone very fat and happy one day,”
he said, his mouth half full with a bite of apple.
“I’m going to make you fat and happy. You know that.”
“Ah, to be fat!”
We laughed, and he told me about life since the last time I’d seen him. He’d done some
clerical work for one of the factories, and it was going to carry him through next week, too.
His mom had finally gotten into a routine of house-cleaning for a few of the Twos in our
area. The twins were both sad because their mom had made them drop their after-school
drama club so they could work more.
“I’m going to see if I can pick up some work on Sundays, make a little more money. I
hate for them to give up something they love so much.” He said this with hope, like he
really could do it.
“Aspen Leger, don’t you dare! You work too hard as it is.”
“Aw, Mer,” he whispered into my ear. It gave me chill bumps. “You know how Kamber
and Celia are. They need to be around people. They can’t be cooped up cleaning and
writing all the time. It’s just not in their nature.”
“But it’s not fair for them to expect you to do it all, Aspen. I know exactly how you feel
about your sisters, but you need to watch out for yourself. If you really love them, you’ll
take better care of their caregiver.”
“Don’t you worry about a thing, Mer. I think there are some good things on the horizon.
I wouldn’t be doing it forever.”
But he would. Because his family would always need money. “Aspen, I know you
could do it. But you’re not a superhero. You can’t expect to be able to provide everything
for everyone you love. You just … you can’t do everything.”
We were quiet for a moment. I hoped he was taking my words to heart, realizing that if
he didn’t slow down, he’d wear himself out. It wasn’t anything new for a Six, Seven, or
Eight to just die of exhaustion. I couldn’t bear that. I pressed myself even closer to his
chest, trying to get the image of it out of my head.
“America?”
“Yes?” I whispered.
“Are you going to enter the Selection?”
“No! Of course not! I don’t want anyone to think I’d even consider marrying some
stranger. I love you,” I said earnestly.
“You want to be a Six? Always hungry? Always worried?” he asked. I could hear the
pain in his voice, but also the genuine question: If I had to choose between sleeping in a
palace with people waiting on me or the three-room apartment with Aspen’s family, which
one did I really want?
“Aspen, we’ll make it. We’re smart. We’ll be fine.” I willed it to be true.
“You know that’s not how it’ll be, Mer. I’d still have to support my family; I’m not the
abandoning type.” I squirmed a little in his arms. “And if we had kids—”
“When we have kids. And we’ll just be careful about it. Who says we have to have
more than two?”
“You know that’s not something we can control!” I could hear the anger building in his
voice.
I couldn’t blame him. If you were wealthy enough, you could regulate having a family.
If you were a Four or worse, they left you to fend for yourselves. This had been the subject
of many an argument for us over the last six months, when we seriously started trying to
find a way to be together. Children were the wild card. The more you had, the more there
were to work. But then again, so many hungry mouths…
We fell quiet again, both unsure of what to say. Aspen was a passionate person; he
tended to get a little carried away in an argument. He had gotten better about catching
himself before he got too angry, and I knew that’s what he was doing now.
I didn’t want him to worry or be upset; I really thought we could handle it. If we just
planned for everything we could, we’d make it through everything we couldn’t. Maybe I
was too optimistic, maybe I was just too far in love, but I really believed that anything
Aspen and I wanted badly enough, we could make happen.
“I think you should do it,” he said suddenly.
“Do what?”
“Enter the Selection. I think you should do it.”
I glared at him. “Are you out of your mind?”
“Mer, listen to me.” His mouth was right to my ear. It wasn’t fair; he knew this
distracted me. When his voice came, it was breathy and slow, like he was saying something
romantic, though what he was suggesting was anything but. “If you had a chance for
something better than this, and you didn’t take it because of me, I’d never forgive myself. I
couldn’t stand it.”
I let out my breath in a quick huff. “It’s so ridiculous. Think of the thousands of girls
entering. I won’t even get picked.”
“If you won’t get picked, then why does it matter?” His hands were rubbing up and
down my arms now. I couldn’t argue when he did that. “All I want is for you to enter. I just
want you to try. And if you go, then you go. And if you don’t, then at least I won’t have to
beat myself up for holding you back.”
“But I don’t love him, Aspen. I don’t even like him. I don’t even know him.”
“No one knows him. That’s the thing, though, maybe you would like him.”
“Aspen, stop. I love you.”
“And I love you.” He kissed me slowly to make his point. “And if you love me, you’ll
do this so I won’t go crazy wondering what if.”
When he made it about him, I didn’t stand a chance. Because I couldn’t hurt him. I was
doing everything I could to make his life easier. And I was right. There was absolutely no
way I’d get chosen. So I should just go through the motions, appease everyone, and when I
didn’t get picked, everyone would drop it.
“Please?” he breathed into my ear. The feeling sent chills down my body.
“Fine,” I whispered. “I’ll do it. But know now that I don’t want to be some princess. All
I want is to be your wife.”
He stroked my hair.
“You will be.”
It must have been the light. Or the lack thereof. Because I swore his eyes welled up
when he said that. Aspen had been through a lot, but I had seen him cry only once, when
they whipped his brother in the square. Little Jemmy had stolen some fruit off a cart in the
market. An adult would have had a brief trial and then, depending on the value of what was
stolen, either been thrown in jail or sentenced to death. Jemmy was only nine, so he was
beaten. Aspen’s mom didn’t have the money to take him to a proper doctor, so Jemmy had
scars all up and down his back from the incident.
That night I waited by my window to see if Aspen would climb up into the tree house.
When he did, I snuck out to him. He cried in my arms for an hour about how if he’d only
worked harder, if he’d only done better, Jemmy wouldn’t have had to steal. How it was so
unfair that Jemmy had to hurt because Aspen had failed.
It was agonizing, because it wasn’t true. But I couldn’t tell him that; he wouldn’t hear
me. Aspen carried the needs of everyone he loved on his back. Somehow, miraculously, I
became one of those people. So I made my load as light as I could.
“Would you sing for me? Give me something good to fall asleep to?”
I smiled. I loved giving him songs. So I settled in close and sang a quiet lullaby.
He let me sing for a few minutes before his fingers started moving absently below my
ear. He pulled the neck of my shirt open wide and kissed along my neck and ears. Then he
pulled up my short sleeve and kissed as far down my arm as he could reach. It made my
breath hitch. Almost every time I sang, he did this. I think he enjoyed the sound of my
raspy breathing more than the singing itself.
Before long we were tangled together on the dirty, thin rug. Aspen pulled me on top of
him, and I brushed his scraggly hair with my fingers, hypnotized by the feel. He kissed me
feverishly and hard. I felt his fingers dig into my waist, my back, my hips, my thighs. I was
always surprised that he didn’t leave little finger-shaped bruises all over me.
We were cautious, always stopping shy of the things we really wanted. As if breaking
curfew wasn’t bad enough. Still, whatever our limitations were, I couldn’t imagine anyone
in Illéa had more passion than we did.
“I love you, America Singer. As long as I live, I’ll love you.” There was some deep
emotion in his voice, and it caught me off guard.
“I love you, Aspen. You’ll always be my prince.”
And he kissed me until the candle burned itself out.
It had to have been hours, and my eyes were heavy. Aspen never worried about his
sleep, but he was always concerned about mine. So I wearily climbed down the ladder,
taking my plate and my penny.
When I sang, Aspen ate it up, loved it. From time to time, when he had anything at all,
he’d give me a penny to pay for my song. If he managed to scrounge up a penny, I wanted
him to give it to his family. There was no doubt they needed every last one. But then,
having these pennies—since I couldn’t bear to spend them—was like having a reminder of
everything Aspen was willing to do for me, of everything I meant to him.
Back in my room, I pulled my tiny jar of pennies out from its hiding spot and listened
to the happy sound of the newest one hitting its neighbors. I waited for ten minutes,
watching out the window, until I saw Aspen’s shadow climb down and run down the back
road.
I stayed awake a little while longer, thinking of Aspen and how much I loved him, and
how it felt to be loved by him. I felt special, priceless, irreplaceable. No queen on any
throne could possibly feel more important than I did.
I fell asleep with that thought securely etched in my heart.
