I CHOSE THIS || JJ Maybank

Chapter 37 - could you love a killer?

Maddie's POV

"Tell me the story."
I took a deep breath in, thinking where it was best to start. Was I really ready to tell him this?

"So a few years ago my mum left, it wasn't like she just straight up walked or anything like that, just my parents got a divorce. So for a while we stayed on the mainland but Dad wanted a change so we moved here a couple years ago. However, that wasn't the only reason we moved. We moved after things got really messed up at school."

I looked over to JJ who seemed to be completely enamoured in what I was saying, like he really cared.

"So I was kinda messed about the divorce, just because I was really close to her," I explained. "So anyways, at school Charlie and I started becoming really close. Since I'd started going to more parties and he was always at them, that's how we really 'bonded' you could say."
"So anyways GeGe was in the year below me, we were fairly close but it wasn't like we you know spoke everyday or anything."

"And GeGe was your sister?" JJ asks gently.
"Yeah." I smile faintly thinking back to the memory of her. She didn't deserve what I did to her. No one really did.

"So Charlie and I started dating and you know, it was going well, we partied a lot and I loved him, well I'm not really sure but I thought I did at the time. So then anyways I mostly just stuck to drink and maybe just smoked weed every so often but then Charlie sort of changed that."
"He was the one who got you onto drugs," JJ assumed.
I remained silent and solemnly nodded my head.

"You don't have to tell me Mads," he squeezes my hand. "I'll understand, I just want to help you the best I can."
I smile up at him, rubbing by head to try clear the fuzzy feeling caused by the substances.
"It's okay J, I need to tell someone. I need to tell you you."

"So we started taking drugs, pretty regularly. He was fairly experienced with them and I was quickly got the hang of them I guess you could say. So fast forward a few weeks there was this big party after one of our school dances and GeGe and I were hanging out a bit. She, she," I paused as head flashed back to event.

JJ slowly rubs his thumb along my palm, patiently waiting for me to continue.

"She wanted to try drugs, just to loosen up. I didn't put up any protest and thought it would be fun. You know sister bonding or something." I almost laugh at  how stupid it now sounded.

"That night we did a couple lines then did the same the next week and then it became a regular thing. At any event or party. Charlie backed me up, saying it was a fun thing for us do. Of course, my relationship probably wasn't as good as I thought it was but I listened to him and I trusted him."

"So where did it go wrong Mads?"

"A couple months in. I hadn't realised that she'd started to take them when I wasn't around. She took them all the time, whenever she was sad or angry or even when she was happy. I was so carried away in my own world I didn't notice or even care. I thought she was just having fun like I was."

"So. One night she comes into my room, obviously drugged up and sort of distressed. She wakes me and starts talking."
I blink back a tear.
"Your going to hate me JJ, I can't have you hating me. Your the only person I care of what you think of me," I say as a tear rolls down me cheek. "I can't have you hating me J, I can't."
"Hey it's okay princess," he whispers in my ear as he holds onto me. "I won't think any different I promise."

He should know not to make promises he can't keep.

"Giselle woke me and starts crying. She, she tells me that she fucking hates her life," I exhale. "She tells me how she wishes mum was still around and she's struggling. And do you know what I told her?" I say with a mixture of anger and sadness in my voice.

"I told her to she just needs to get over it and to take a few lines, it'll help. I don't even remember what was said after that. All I know is that 3 days later she's found fucking dead of an overdose. On purpose or not no one will know but, because I told her to."

Neither one of us said anything. It was like all the air had been sucked out of the room. There was no one else in the house. The faint sound of party music was non existent. It was just us. Sat in silence on the floor.

"It wasn't your fault," he mutters, barley audible. "It wasn't your fault," he repeats like he's convincing himself.

I hate myself. Why did I tell JJ. We haven't been close in weeks and I go and tell him this. He hates me. He's disgusted by me.

"I know it's my fault," I say shuffling away from him. "I killed her! I introduced her to drugs, I never checked up on her, I kept egging her on to take more when we were out. Then when she needs help I tell her to fuck off and take more."

JJ keeps his eyes fixed on the ground as I rant. I don't blame him. If I was him I wouldn't be able to look at me. It was my fault for thinking he could somehow see past this.