vents that are both happy and sad

loneliness and appreciation

The thing about loneliness is that you come to appreciate anybody who talks to you.

You appreciate anyone who will talk to you, even if sometimes you can't feel that, but I get the idea that it's always kinda there. I'm starting to wonder they maybe it's not anxiety that I feel whenever someone talks to me, or if I'm just scared that they'll not like me because I did something wrong.

I don't mean to sound all philosophical but for now I just wanted to type that.

I can't wait for college. I don't care if I don't get my GCSE's. I just want to move onto an environment where I'm surrounded by the one thing I'm thankful for - other people. I can't wait to be able to talk to somebody my age without having a panic attack.

I don't know if I'll be able to wait for that moment.

My emotions are everywhere. I drift between no emotions, happy sappy love, and pure suicidal tendencies. I know I've gotten this far with these emotions, and haven't topped myself despite my 3 or 4 attempts. I still hate myself.

I know there's people who care about me, it just is hidden beneath something inside of me, so I'll always deny it.

I'll always be a complete and utter selfish brat, no matter how many times I try to change myself.

But I'll always appreciate people and other humanity. I'll always appreciate talking to somebody, even if it's a very short list of people willing to do so.

Even if I try to tell myself that I don't like you.

I don't know if I can consider myself a lonely person. I have a family even if we don't see eye to eye with each other. I have members of staff at my school who will always be willing to talk to me, no matter what I have to say. There's you, who will always listen to me no matter what I do to you and no matter what your own circumstances are. I don't know why I feel so lonely. I have people who care about me and who I care about.

Why do I feel so lonely?

Please don't leave me. I appreciate you. I love you.