John Mulaney meets Spider-Man

          You're watching a video of John Mulaney. John Mulaney walks on stage. "Hello New York!" he greets, the audience cheering loudly. "Thank you. Hello, New York. New York is a beautiful city. A weird city, but a beautiful city, you know what I mean? In which other city could I see no less than three Spider-Men fighting an overgrown pet lizard?" The audience laughs.

          "In New York, we have so many vigilantes, it's a wonder crime still exists. We have such a variety of vigilantes, but the weirdest has got to be Spider-Man. I don't see Daredevil swinging around the city, and I certainly don't see the Iron Fist multiplying like Spider-Man does. There are so many Spider-Men, and some of them aren't even human. Have you seen the one they call Spider-Ham? He's a pig. I'm not trying to insult him, I'm sure he has excellent manners, but he's literally a pig."

          "Spider-Man also has the weirdest adversaries, and a shocking amount of them are animal-themed. It's like they gathered, and said: "Okay, so we're going to fight Spider-Man. We have to chose catchy names, to strike fear in him." and one of them said: "We could go with his theme, and have animal names.". And they were all fine with that, but another said: "If we're doing this, we're going to commit to it. He has a cool costume, we need cool costumes.". And that's how the Vulture, the Scorpion, and more recently, the Lizard, were born. The Lizard, whom I had the pleasure to meet the other day."

          "It went like this. I'm walking down the street, as you do, looking at my feet, trying to avoid any social interaction, you know how you walk in New York. So I'm walking down the street, when a giant lizard, comes crashing in the wall on the other side of the street. Right after him, three Spider-Men swing in, trying to web him to the wall. One of the Spider-Men notices me, ours, you know, the one who was here before the others, he notices me and he says: "Oh, hello Mister Mulaney!" and I am a bit shocked that he knows my name, because doesn't he usually catch criminals? What if he remembers their names in case they get out? Has he arrested me before? But then he says: "I'm a big fan!" and oh my god, Spider-Man watches my stand-ups? He likes my stand-ups?" The audience cheers.

          "I know! And, I'm a big fan of his, too, and I want to tell him. So, I say: "Oh, really? Me too." I say "Me too."! Like I'm some kind of self-centred, narcissist prick, I said, to Spider-Man, "You like what I do? So do I."."

          "But it doesn't end here. Remember the giant lizard? He notices me talking to Spider-Man, so he turns around, he was facing away from me as he was fighting the Spider-Men, so he turns around, looks at me, and in a moment of pure panic, I hear Detective JJ Bintterbinder's voice in my head, whispering: "Street Smarts"." The audience laughs.

          "And I say to the lizard: "You want my money? Then go get it." and I throw my wallet at him, I throw my wallet at the giant, enormous, murderous lizard, and I run. I get. Out. Of here. And I hear, the lizard, coming after me, not after my wallet, after me, and then there's a crashing sound, so I look over my shoulder, and I see the lizard webbed to the ground, the Spider-Men on top of him. And our Spider-Man, the one I was talking to, shouts to me: "That was awesome, thank you, Mister Mulaney!" and I answer: "Thank you, Mister Man!"."

           The audience laughs hysterically. "I called him Mister Man! Like his first name is Spider, and his last name, is Man. I was so embarrassed I just kept running." The crowd laughs and starts cheering as music plays. "So this was the story of how I almost died and embarrassed myself in front of a superhero. Thank you everyone, thank you very much!" And as John Mulaney says goodbye, the screen fades to black.