Save Me

2

Morning comes and Namjoon wakes up in his bed at around 6am. Having only two hours of sleep, he was feeling pretty tired. Without disturbing his roommate, he makes his way to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

By the time he finishes, Jin is setting out food on the table for breakfast and Taehyung is running around waking the rest of the group up. Namjoon tries to escape but before he can, Jin pushes him into the kitchen and in a seat at the table. "You're eating with us today. No excuses, remember?" Namjoon accepts his defeat and sits at the table quietly. 'You'll get so fat if you eat. Do you really want that? You're already the fattest of the group. No wonder everybody wants you to leave.' Namjoon is pulled out of his thoughts as the rest of the members slowly fill up the table.

"Tuck in everybody!" Jin says cheerfully as people grab stacks of pancakes and pieces of fruit. Namjoon slowly take two pancakes and places them on his plate. "Namjoon, get some more, there's enough for everyone." With a kind smile, Jin places more pancakes on the youngers plate without knowing how much mental torment he is causing Namjoon. "Thank you hyung," Namjoon smiles at Jin in an attempt to be normal.

Namjoon places some fruit on his plate and picks up his knife and fork. 'Here we go.' He mentally prepares himself for eating the pancakes while his friends joke and talk around him. Taking a bite, Namjoon feels a surge of guilt shock him. He takes a deep breath as he slowly chews the pancake and swallows it down shamefully. Hoseok notices his strange behaviour. "Hey Namjoon, what's wrong?" Hoseok pulls his fellow 94-liner out of an inner debate and Namjoon looks at him blankly. "Huh?" Namjoon realises what he says and the chatter at the table dies down while he stares at the person opposite him. "Uh, it's nothing. Just not feeling too great today." Namjoon gives a weak smile and goes back to his pancakes. 'He doesn't care. He just doesn't want good food going to waste. There are people who deserve this so much more than you do, pig.' the voice snaps at him and he can't help but nod in agreement.

Breakfast is over and Namjoon excuses himself to the bathroom and locks the door. He takes a deep breath and stands next to he toilet. After around three minutes, he painfully forces the food up his throat and into the toilet. His throat feels as if it is on fire. Once he is finished, he flushes the toilet and makes his way over to the mirror. He is a mess. His hair is sticking out in all directions, his face is flushed, eyes red and smears of bile cling to his dry lips.

Namjoon washes his face and places a cold rag over his eyes for a couple minutes until the redness has gone down. He brushes his teeth, even though he knows it's bad but he has no better alternative, and fixes his hair. He plasters on a smile and walks out of the room after spraying some air freshener.

The van comes to pick them up for practice and Namjoon can't wait. He knows that some calories might still be digested so he has to work them off. Sat in his corner, his music blasts through his earphones, although this time, failing to drown the voices in his mind.

'You're going to be so fat'
'Some poor children could've eaten that food'
'You're so selfish'
'Honestly, you need to stop eating'
'Can you not feel the fat everywhere?'
'You're a pig'
'You didn't have to eat that much'
'You don't mean anything to anyone.'

The toxic thoughts bring tears to his eyes as they pull up outside BigHit. Once again, Namjoon is left to walk by himself while the other members walk in pairs. 'As long as they're happy, I don't care.' A bitter sweet smile makes its way to his face and he makes his way inside the large building.

After some stretching, they jump right into practicing the routine. Hoseok praises him for working so hard last night but Namjoon knows he didn't deserve the praise. 'He's just saying that so you'll shut up and stop asking if you're doing good, you insecure pig. Like I said, they don't care. You are so stupid to think they really care if you eat or get enough sleep. No, they only pretend to care because they have to. You mean nothing.' Namjoon is shaken from his thoughts when Yoongi stumbles into him, "Ah, sorry Namjoon." A gummy smile is presented to Namjoon as Yoongi walks away. 'They don't care.'