𝙺𝚊𝚛𝚖𝚊

𝔎 4.

𝔍𝔲𝔰𝔱𝔦𝔫'𝔰 𝔭𝔬𝔳
When I was a kid, I remember being so excited to become an independent adult. To hopefully one day have my future set out, and some day work my dream job; even though at the time it was to fix cars.

And when I became a teenager, I loved the idea of being in love, getting married, and having my own kids some day. I remember being so excited to someday explore the world and see what else there was out in the world.

And the day I turned eighteen, I could not wait to move out, and buy a brand new car as the 2001 faded red Toyota Corolla I had at the time was not the best fit for me. But, nonetheless, it did its job in getting me places.

And now, as an adult, I have everything I could have ever wished for. But, I'm drowning it all away because of something I did, that was so stupid, and that has stuck with me.

It's just stuck in me.

Something I can never let go of, no matter how hard I try to.

I can't stop thinking about.

No amount of medication or therapy could fix it.

It's stuck in my mind.

Forever.

And these thoughts just run on my mind like a broken record, repeating the same fucking words.

Over and over and over and over and over again.

It never fucking stops.

If only I can tell the voices to just shut the fuck up.

I get it, I screwed it all up. Now that I admit it, can I please go back to my reality?

Can I please go back to reality.

When is this dream going to end?

When am I going to finally wake up?

When is karma going to finally come and do the job that was meant to happen years ago.

Because I've been due.

And it's been killing me.

Some things never change.

"What about you Justin?" I hear a voice say taking me out of my thoughts. I forgot I was at a public restaurant with Hailey and her parents.

Seems that these dozing off kind of moments are inevitable, where I just instantly start talking to myself in my head almost.

"Hm?" I hum.

"Oh, yeah, I would like to have more kids soon," I nod with a smile as I then look over at Daisy who was sitting on a wooden high chair at the end of the table. She wore a pink dress, which was now slightly dirty as she accidentally spilled some of the tomato soup Hailey was feeding her earlier.

I bring my hand over to her, giving her cheek a slight squeeze making her stare at me. I then bring my fingers down to her stomach, gently squeezing it making her giggle. The sight made me grin.

If only she could stay with that mind forever.

And would never have to suffer for a damn moment in her life.

But now it seems that's too late.

Fate seems to run its own course.

And I obviously can't control what will happen in the future, but I can only hope and work the best for her to be happy in life.

Some day when she is able to comprehend the feeling that is.

"I was telling Justin the other day how crazy it might have been if we had twins, and a boy and girl," Hailey recalls to her parents.