Assorted Thoughts

Dear Friend

I wake up at 3am everyday feeling empty.  That has been me since..i already forgot. Today has been the same. Then I try to write again. Nothing comes out. I think that time has stopped for me. I don't know when it will restart. Or how. Or if I still want to. I'm just stuck here. I want to think that I feel numb but I always feel the pain. Always. Is this the start?

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There's this bird that's been hanging around my window for days.  I don't think it's trying to find a way in but it's just there. Everyday. It doesn't have a nest. I don't think that it wants to buil d a nest. But it's always there. I think I can relate to it but I don't know how. You tell me. 

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I don't know where to stop. I don't know when to stop. I don't know how to stop. I just don't know what the deal is with stopping. 

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I think I like to always be in pain. It hurts but I smile. A couple of days ago I heard/read/watched about an explanation for clowns. About how they are the one's with the most pain. Because even if they are sad they still have to be happy.  That's why they always paint a single tear as a reminder to others that underneath all the laughter is sadness. I'm a clown. Every single time.