Heart Over Mind

5. Maverick

I start my car and wait in the front seat like I always do when Jas forces me to bars with him. He works a lot harder and a lot longer than I do on an average day, so I don't really mind being the self-proclaimed permanent designated driver on most of these nights. Besides that, I don't really like drinking. It fucks with my head, and nearly every time I've tried since my sister died, I've cried.

But I'm not thinking about that tonight. Nor am I drinking.

I start tapping on the steering wheel to get a handle on myself before anyone shuffles in. The last thing I need is for all our friends to think that I'm still not OK, that I'm still the goodman mess I was well over a year ago when Rin died.

Just as I feel my eyes getting heavier, the trunk clicks open. Thank god. Being alone is so shitty when you're not completely in control of your feelings. I'm more than grateful that Jas is probably going to crack a drunk joke when he finally stumbles into my car.

I look in the rear view mirror, and the first person I see getting in is that girl - Ela. I only know her name is "Ela" because Jas told me it was "Ela" a few hours ago. He also said "You can call her 'El!' Cute, huh?" But I definitely will not be doing that. I've seen Jas, on more than one occasion, and with more than one person, call people things they don't like being called. Like Sam. She hated being called "Sam," said it made her feel less delicate than she really was. That was comical, considering Sam has always been the furthest thing from delicate - something I can't say I completely disliked at the time.

Nonetheless, she hated it, which I respected. At least enough to call her "Samantha" through our entire "relationship," and "Sam" after it ended.

I glance at Ela through my mirror, trying to figure out why she looks so different from the three people seated next to her. She's not drunk. Still, though, she's keeping up with them - keeping up, and fitting in, laughing at the right times, and agreeing at even the righter times. That must be tiring.

"You guys ready to head out?" I yell loudly enough so that the three of them can hear. Ela jerks back instead of giggling like the rest of them, which is the final confirmation I need to know she's barely buzzed at all. Jas kicks my seat when he sees me observing her for too long, and I wince.

"Yeah, bro! Start driving!"

And so, I do.

The entire ride, I can't help myself from stealing glimpses at her. Something about her feels too familiar. Like she cries when she drinks, too.

**********

Jasper's dancing with his co-resident, Crystal. Their other friend, Talon, is making out with some brunette at the bar. It's just me and the neighbor at the table, but we haven't said a single word to each other yet. That's pretty jarring, since it's been close to thirty-five minutes now. I wonder why she's not dancing, or at least why she's not hanging out with Jas.

"Does your drink suck? You've barely touched it," I mutter under my breath so she can barely hear it. I figured if she could, she was probably waiting on me to say something just as much as I was waiting on her to hear me.

Is that a shitty thing to do? Yeah, I think so.

Do I care all that much when I feel so uncomfortable with this silence? No.

"Uhh...no, it's fine...I just don't like drinking. I mean, I do, but I can't." Her response intrigues more than I want to admit. I can't help but wonder why she chose to say "can't," instead of "won't." I know nuances like that don't mean a lot to a lot of people, but they mean a hell of a lot to me.

"What do you mean you can't? Did you take meds, or something? You know your body could probably handle one drink, even with some meds?" All the doctor comes out of me while I simultately realize that all of her is doctor, too. Fuck, I probably offended her. She should be offended, I mean. I sure as hell would if someone said the shit I just said to her to me.