Theory of Slavery | Hamilton

VI

I WAS BORN with a leaden cowl upon my shoulders. Such cowl—namely, this Mosaic religion of ours, rendered impossibly perfect by Protestant hypocrisy, passed down to me from my father, and to my father from his father. I must admit, I always considered Christ's precepts mystic and felt myself completely in the right to ask questions in its regard. For instance, if a man commits adultery with a woman every time he looks at her, did I not sin in infancy, while my mother breastfed me? The question agitated me even more than I was myself aware; I kept uneasily seeking for some sinister significance in this apparently ordinary contradiction.The upshot of all this was that, after considering that my blood was not parched even by the sight of the young school coquettes, I decided that there was no sin on my soul.
In the past I instinctively avoided guys like me (that is, inexperienced kids) solely because I felt safer on a plane where nobody could even assume cranks like me existed.
Whenever my schoolfellows spoke of women—and they did so often—I smiled knowingly, so that they soon came to the conclusion that 'still waters run deep.' Excessive modesty in a young man is a thing you always blame deeply. 'Cherchez la femme', they say. I was casually sorry, and then I forgot. As to conversations about more intimate details of love battle, I avoided them as far as possible, feeling that there were certain objections to which I could make no answer. For example, my friends were very fond of telling obscene jokes—why, I did not exactly understand; for I had not the slightest idea even of what minette was; nor could I see that anything so loathsome could be turned into a joke.

Still the sluggishness of a heart does not mean total callousness. Moreover, I had felt the first faint stimulus of love much earlier than I like to think. There was one moment when, nature being stronger than prejudice, I should right willingly have given up my soul to perdition. I shall tell you about it in its proper place, however.

***

I WOKE UP on top of smooth silk, surrounded by huge pillows worked in gold. Lamps of varied form filled the room with a strong red light. I raised my head and saw soft velvet divans, mattresses covered over with lions' skins, and giant paintings of the most beautiful nature. From huge amber bowls rose full-blown red and pink roses. Bronzes, plaster casts and flowers emerged amidst deep-tinted silks of velvety softness, amidst sparkling crystals, china and opaline majolica. The room was not very large, and its walls were all covered with Persian rugs. The furnishing was peculiar, and I was if not dazzled, at least perfectly bewildered.
Feeling faint, I fell onto soft pillows. It seemed as if I had been transported into the magic realms of fairy-land. The scent of roses intoxicated me. My mind was clouded, and my heartbeat was so slow that my head became desolate. It took me a while to realize that I lay fully naked, with my legs spread wide. Perhaps women in labor take a similar position.

I turned to the wall. My arms and legs felt numb, as if shut down, but I did not attempt to move; I did not wish to. My body seemed to me delightfully light, and my slothful yet half-awakened mind was elsewhere. Strange to say, I seemed immediately to have become perfectly calm; not a trace of my recent delirium nor of the panic fear that had haunted me of late. It was the first moment of a strange sudden calm. I understood that I was unusually weak, but my intense spiritual concentration gave me strength and even self-confidence. I hoped, moreover, that I would not fall asleep, for I liked it here.
All at once I was roused from my pleasant somnolence by the sound of swiftly approaching footsteps. I shuddered and came to my senses. Two fiery eyes were staring at me from the darkness of the doorway. I wasn't ashamed. For the first time in my life I found myself good-looking, entrancingly handsome even. Besides, even if I wanted to cover myself up, I would not be able to.

The stranger entered the room. He seemed to me somehow familiar. I had often seen him, that man, had seen him some time, and very lately too; where could it have been?