Setting You Free

seven

After reading the text..I don't know what do..Dew and P'nani looking at me while my tears start rolling down over my face..my heart ache too much..I thought I can handle the pain, I thought I am ready seeing him with somebody, I know I had a least chances but I can't help my self wishing and hoping and I never thought that the pain is too much watching him given the love you wanted to someone else.

P'...c-can I j-just g-go.. I need..I.. n-need ... I can't finish what I want to say, my knee became jelly reason for me to fall down, people in set saw me..but I don't care.. I needed to let it out..the pain is killing me slowly...

Nong what happened..my manager ask...even some staff are looking at me..I can't let my voice out, I feel that there is a big stone in my heart.. I can't even stand..

P' can we live..can you cancel the shoot for now..N'Win is not in the good shape ..I heard P'nani while Dew is holding me,trying to comfort me.

Okey..I will call p'bai about N'Win situation.. p'eed said..my manager..

I look at p' Nani...asking help to stop p'eed, I don't want to see Bright right now, the pain is too much

No p'eed..we will take care of Nong..don't call bright, just tell him that something happened.. please don't tell it's about Win..

After saying that p'eed nooded and it look like she already understand..

Nani and Dew please take care of N'Win..she said then live..

Nong, can you stand..Nani said..
Dew get my hands, put it on his shoulder and help me to stand.

After a few minutes we already in Dew's car..I cannot drive right now, there is lot of things in my mind, and my body is so tired, like everything in me is in pain.

After a long drive..we arrived in my condo..they send me to my room..

De--Dew..p'..I-i... wanted to .... I wanted to be alone..I finally said..putting my forehead on my knee..my eyes is swollen, the tears continue coming out in my eyes.

But nong, you need us.. P'nani said while tapping back..
Yes Win, you can tell us everything..it will be easy if you tell us what you feel.. Dew said while holding my hands because I am trembling right now.. I can't feel my self, my body feel numb but my heart still aches, like there is a sharp object was buried in my heart, and as the sting deepened, it hurt more and more.

I look at them,asking to save me using my eyes..I cannot even speak.. it's too much ...I cannot handle it..I need to go..I wanted to run.. run to myself..run to the pain that I am feeling right now..

Y-y-you...b-both k-now t-that I love him right.. i- I always remind myself..I say while putting my hand on face,swiping my tears, trying not cry but I can't, I terribly failed.

I always remind myself...I said once again while pounding my chest..I can't feel physical pain anymore..I am to numb physically but inside I'm tearing apart and I feel every bit of it..

I said that I am okey to be his bro..his friend..but you know what...I - I always..I always wish that ....
I always wish that someday..even just a bit chances, even just 0.1 percent..he see me...he love me more than just his nong and...more than just a fucking friend...I wish I can smile, I - I wish I can be h-happy for him...and said to Bright that...
W-wow..f-finally....you...-----you found her..c-congrats.. I wish that I can face him and tell him that I - I am happy for him..that I w-will support him... But I can't..you both know it I try right ...I - I try.. harder..I laugh, laugh that full of sorrow, I laugh while my tears continue rolling down....but I can't, you know why??? Because of this fucking feeling , because of this fucking heart that only beat for him, stupid right? And you both know what is hurt the most that I can't Win like my name in the person I love the most because there is no competition to begin with..how I can Win, if in the first place I .. I am such a loser when it comes to him..I said then I break down, I cry louder.

I see Dew and P'nany worried face, they try to calm me down again. I know I look terrible.

Damn...shit..I thought I will used to the pained..I been here before..but why the pain is still unbearable, it became deep and I don't know what do.. please help me..I wanted the pain to stop.. please.. I plead while crying, I even pound my chest even more..

P', Dew help me..I cannot take the anymore.. it's too much, the pain is too much...I said while I looking at them,pleading, asking for help.

Win..we are here for you..but we know we cannot take the pain..you are one who can help yourself.. nobody does..Even Bright..

After Dew said that I get my pillow and curl like baby in my bed..I let my tears come out.
P, Dew I - I know t-that y-you are both concerned to me..b-but I needed to be alone please.. I said without looking at them..

I heard the door closed and locked.....

Ahhhhhhhh....why I needed to feel this..I said while crawling to my bed..I shout and I punch my pillow..I needed to let out the pain .. God...I hope I can stand to see him after this... I know that I am beyond repair now.. I thought I used to the pain , I used the term bro, I used to be his friend..but no.. I am just making myself believe that I am used to that so I had a reason to stay by his side even I silently cried every night because of the pain..

God..why I needed to feel like this, why him..I cannot take it anymore... please get the pain... how many times do I need plead...the pain its too much, the pain killing and breaking me into pieces.

Who would be thought, the one who give a color to my life will the one who also the reason why my world right now is too dark, I try to wipe away my tears again,.. you can do it Metawin...I said but end up crying again and again.. I don't know what happened... I remember that I stand, then go the bathroom and punch the mirror glass but even I do that, the pain is still here, still the same, the cut from the mirror is deep but I cannot feel it, because the cut in my heart is too much, is not from the start object or in the mirror but from the person I love the most.