Forbidden Grief-SAMPLE

CHAPTER 4- Carter

I can't believe I'm kissing this guy. Although I'm not really kissing him. I'm devouring him. I want to get closer to him but it's impossible to be closer than we already are. I hadn't even kissed anyone since my last hookup in Italy all those months ago, and right now all I want is for this kiss to last at least until tomorrow.

Jason pulls back and right before I see the worry in his face he says, "Wait, I...," but he cuts himself short and that's when it occurs to me to wonder if maybe the man isn't gay. But all those mixed signals must mean something, right? Shit!

"Oh, my God!" I tell him as I step back, "Oh, my God! You're not gay! Oh shit! Sorry, I thought you... I thought you were. Oh, God. This is so embarrassing," I chuckle, trying to hide my awkwardness, but it makes it more obvious instead and I'm about to apologize for the misunderstanding, but he stops me.

"No, wait. I am gay. I just never really go for it so soon you know. I know nothing about you. But you... you're gay too, right? Because you leaned forward, and I thought that's what you wanted."

"Yes, yes I am. Sorry! I still shouldn't have done it."

Jason swipes his foot left to right looking down to the floor, but then he looks up and I see the beauty in him. He looks shy and so out of his element that it just makes me want to kiss him again, but he already felt bad for kissing me when he barely knows me, so I smile and tell him, "It's ok, Jason. I'm sorry. I'll just let you do what you came here to do."

I grab my backpack from the counter so I can get back to the living room. I was storing my food in the refrigerator when Jason ran into me but seriously, who puts a fridge right at the entrance of a kitchen?

I turn around so I can let him do his thing, but I don't get too far before Jason calls my name.

"Carter?" I turn back to face him, "Can we... eh, we can kiss again. If you want to. If you want, we can kiss again. You know, if you want."

I smiled at the guy that was so flirty with me that first day. I wouldn't have guessed that he gets so shy, but I find it endearing that he is. So, I drop my backpack and walk the single step that keeps us apart, and then my lips are on his again. Call me crazy, but the kiss tastes and feels like our lips were meant for each other's the minute we were both born.

Jason and I jump back when we hear a door open, and thank God we reacted quickly because I see Beck's daughter in the kitchen seconds later.

"Unca' Jason," she says. "I'm hungry." Jason looks at his watch and when he mouths a silent, "Shit!" I jump in to get the girl something to eat.

"Uncle Jason has to work, Lyra," I tell her. "But I will get you something to eat. Is that ok?" She nods. "Ok. Do you remember me?"

"Yes! You're Unca Nate's brother." I smile and move to the fridge so I can get her something from the list Beck gave me.

I was still in the country when Beck's fiancée passed so unexpectedly, and since then he has been the only one to care for his daughter. It's crazy how someone so young could've lost her life for something so simple as a cut on her finger, but Nate told me, the doctor told her not to wash her hand with anything other than the solution they had given her. The cut was fairly small but rather deep and became infected before it healed and by the time the scope of the infection was discovered, it was too late to save her.

Regardless, I can tell Beck does a great job taking care of Lyra.

"Hey, Carter," I hear Jason ask behind me. "I need to get going. Will you be ok on your own?"

I look back at him and answer, "Yeah, I'll be fine. Go ahead, don't be late on my account."

"Ok. I'll be back after work then. In case you need help with anything, you know."

Oh, don't I need help with something? He can help me with whatever he wants. Of course, I can't say that, so I settle on, "No need to worry. Beck will be here in about two hours."

****

About three weeks pass without me seeing Jason again. I do, however, see Beck every single day as he gets ready to go to work.

He has no shame—or mercy—and just walks around without a shirt while he drinks his breakfast shake after doing some home workouts. I got in the habit of getting here extra early the second I found out that was his morning routine and ever since, I have had a front-row seat to the sweaty, lean, and gorgeous body I've been wanting for so long.

"Care to share the joke?" Beck asks.

That's when I realized I laughed out loud after remembering he was the first guy I got a hard-on for. I consider not saying anything but if there is something I learned in Europe, it was to be blunt. During my years over there, we traveled a few times to Spain to visit the Biomedical Research Institute at the University of Barcelona. Every time I went there, I could hear them talk and although my Spanish is not the best, I was often able to catch on to their arguments or jokes, and they never held back.

"Carter? Are you here?" I hear Beck's voice again and respond without giving myself a chance to change my mind.

"I was remembering you were the one to make me realize I was gay." He tilts his head as if trying to understand and I continue, "Yeah, the first time I got hard for a guy was that night Nate first brought you home for a sleepover."

Beck's eyes almost pop out of their sockets, and he snaps his head to look down the hallway. "She is getting her dinosaur clothes or something," I tell him knowing he was seeing if Lyra was near us, and he looks back at me. When he does, I see a blush that I would pay good money to discover whether it is curiosity or embarrassment.

"Yeah, dinosaurs..." he chuckles, "She likes to dress up like them, so she has a big selection of green clothes, and believe me when I tell you, none of them match."

Beck combs his hair back with his fingers and shifts to one side then the other, and part of me wants to know if he is interested in knowing more about that night of the sleepover. I know he is straight, and I can only dream, but Sawyer was straight too. I was only the second man he was ever with and believe me when I say he had no problem fucking me into the next month every time we were together.

Sawyer. He and I could have been great. Amazing, even. But it was never meant to be. I know he tried hard to make us work, but the second I heard that I got into the program to study in Italy, I knew it was time to let him go back to the one he truly loved, even though he tried so hard to make me that person.

So, taking into consideration that I had one of my best relationships ever with a straight guy, it makes me wonder if... if maybe, it could happen again.

Could it, though? Could it be that Beckham Karson secretly wants to dip his toes into gay water?