ok this is weird to write up but like ?? im fucking TERRIFIED of josh like actually...seeing him in pictures makes me sick to my stomach and hearing his voice can easily send me into a panic attack to the point i hate hate HATE myself..
i think its because i hear voices and he tries to convince me that im hated by them and that theyre shitty people who dont care about their fans, like they're only in it for the money but i know that isnt true, i never got any diagnosis for why i hear this voice, nobody ever believed me when i said i hear voices telling me to do bad things, telling me its my fault my trauma happened to me, telling me to hurt myself etc
but back to josh i just feel really uncomfortable seeing him and hearing him but like i said it breaks my heart because i fucking love him and he inspires me but i'm at the point where i believe everything my voice tells me because if i dont believe what he says, he makes really bad things happen
just another note it's been around a year or two since i wrote this, my fears have improved massively although i do still feel lots of anxiety surrounding him, i'm a lot better since going on anti anxiety medication. not just that i went to a concert recently and i was about 10 feet away from him as i was seated to the left side and all anxiety melted away. i also got a drumstick :')
