home is with you

ᏢᏆᏞᎾᎢ

home. it's a word and concept you've kept in your vocabulary since your early stages in life. a place you resided in permanently, namely with the people you called your family or viewed as your guardians. it's supposed to be a place that you longed for after stretched hours of work filled with headaches that throbbed in your temples, and feet adorned with blisters from the shoes not yet broken in. when someone were to ask about such a concept, your brain should automatically recall where it was, with an image to accompany the thought. a sense of security from the hectic life you all currently lived. an escape you could say.

it's a word you knew well, and yet it felt like you didn't know it at all. why would home be filled with glass shattered across the hardwood floors and raised voices muffled through the pillows that pressed against your ears? if such a place was supposed to be what you wished to go back to, why did a sense of dread fill the empty cage of your chest with each step that approached the large door that led to the chaos of the building? it never made sense to you, how your companions could groan during the school day about wanting to return when you would sit and pray for anything to delay your departure from school. what was missing? what was different about the household you grew up in compared to theirs? you asked this question each time you walked along the path familiar to your senses, and yet not one solution entered your mind.

you'd end up going about your life as what you called normal, with the same piece of dread and the same cold knob that nipped at your fingertips. your steps would always feel robotic making its way to your bedroom, throwing off the burden of books on your shoulders and allowing yourself to curl within the makeshift blankets and pillows hidden inside your wardrobe. and there you'd stay, until the click of keys near the front door and the pause of silence as your parents came home at the same time could be heard, every day. your eyes would burn holes into the wall as the shouts rung inside your ears, until finally they'd cease and the moon illuminated the sky. and just like the previous night you'd take small steps to the kitchen and eye the pile of glass pieces, before dropping to your knees and carefully piecing the places all together.

you'd begin to imagine each piece was your own and the family you were born into, sharp edges breaking the skin as blood dripped down to the floor. it was all the same, and you began to wonder, was your home simply a vase poorly glued together to cover up the cracks that adorned it?

-

you should've expected this. there had been so many signs pointing towards the situation after all. the fake smiles stretching your parents lips and the sickingly sweet voices they used when telling you to get in the car. despite wanting to leave that dreaded place any chance you could, it did not mean with the inhabitants that created it to be in the state it was currently in. and yet your tongue felt tied within your mouth when they presented the idea, unable to protest when it felt so desirable. was it the part of you that wished that it would always be like this? going out to present as a family even if it was fake? to allow yourself, even just mere minutes, to pretend that things were fine?

the car ride would be silent save for the music you had requested, staring out the window to imagine what little dreams occupied your mind. you'd be wearing your favorite outfit, feet barely brushing the ground while you sat wedged in a seat between both your parents, because god forbid they had to sit next to each other. chills would run down your spine due to the low temperatures that filled the auditorium, the chatter of the audience filling your ears and the glow of soft lanterns that ran across the wall.

'a performance', they had answered when your curiosity allowed you this one question. your eyes would squint, trying to read into why they were taking you to such a place all of a sudden and with little to no warning. only enough time to throw on the clothes currently on your body and to tie your shoes and hair inside the car. of course you would be suspicious, your parents only ever did this when they wanted something out of you.