my ears are ringing and my head is pounding.
i open my eyes to see my whole family standing in front of me. crying.
where am i? why am i here? why are my mom and dad in the same room? they haven't spoken in 11 years, why speak now?
and then it all came back to me. and it punched me in the stomach.
3 days ago. march 2nd. another day at university. crowded halls. teachers trying to do their jobs but having kids scream and laugh over them. i think we take a lot for granted. teachers, family, friends, pets, most importantly life.
i would know because i almost had mine taken away.
we just had a meeting, the whole school. people are pushing through the hallways, people are taking pictures, everything was normal.
me and my bestfriend are on the fourth floor, the floor the assembly was held on, the floor where everything happened.
everything was fine, not 10 seconds later, screams, panic, and distress.
i remember falling backward, trying to grab something, anything.
nothing.
they say your life flashes in front of your eyes, and it's true. a million thoughts came to my head as i fell.
my mom. i loved my mom, she's been there all 19 years of my life. she was there for every stupid ceremony my school hosted. she was at every band recital, every soccer game, whenever i needed her, she was there.
my brother. as much as i hated him for stealing my hoodies, scaring me in the dark, and as much as i hated him for being the annoying little brother, i loved him.
my dad, i haven't seen him in 11 years after he left my mom. he texted me every birthday and told me how much he "loved me". i was so caught up with being angry with him for leaving that i never responded. he would text me merry christmas, he would ask how i was doing. and tell me he missed me.
my dog, gabriela. she was my bestfriend. i got her when i was 12. she was there for me through my stupid highschool heartbreaks, through my arguments with my stupid stepdad, and through the time of my life where i wished i wasn't alive anymore.
my stepdad, i hated my stepdad so much. we argued about everything. "why do you have a b in english" "why weren't you home by curfew" "who is he" "why are even here". he wanted to be the dad i never had. he sexually assaulted me, and told me i was worthless all the time. he didn't care about me, or my brother. but it's the few memories i have with him when i was like 12, getting gabriela, bowling at midnight, and going to get frozen yogurt before my brother relaized we were gone. we had fun. i don't know what happened.
i didn't have the time to appreciate my mom for showing up to everything even tho she was constantly working. i didn't have time to appreciate my brother for hanging out with me after school. the car rides home where we jammed to music. i didn't have the time to appreciate my dad actually trying to be apart of my life. i don't know why he left but i was so selfish i never gave him a chance. my dog. my bestfriend.
all this went through my head in the matter of 4 seconds. so many thoughts came to my head, yet my mind was completely blank. my body went tense, my vision blurred, and then i hit the ground.
it was several minutes before i fully passed out. i could feel the presence of my classmates beside me. i didn't know if they were alive but i was scared. i still am. i closed my tear filled eyes, and let the light take over me.
maybe i was free? or trapped.
i always wished death upon myself. for blaming myself for the things my stepdad did. for telling myself it was my fault that my dad left. i wanted things to end and death seemed like the plausible answer.
i didn't think death would feel like this.
death isn't as it's described in the stories. they say it's peaceful, you close your eyes and you're done. that wasn't how it was at all. i closed my eyes, and i could still feel the pain that coursed through my body from impact. i didn't see darkness but that dizzy purple under your lids from when you rub them too hard. all i can say about this was it was not peaceful.
why does it take death for somebody to actually care. how come my dad didn't put effort to drive down to see me in the past 11 years? why wait til i'm practically dead? why was my stepdad crying at the foot of my hospital bed? he didn't actually care. i can see my mom crying. it doesn't look like she's stopped for the past 3 days. and my brother looking at me with more worry than i know he'll ever admit he felt.
maybe death would've proven something.
my mom is the first person to notice i'm awake. she rushes over to me and hugs me. i wince at the pain that hasn't gone away.
but i hug back anyways.
my brother comes up to me next. he hugs me. he hasn't hugged me in i don't even know how long.
my dad came next. i didn't say anything. he just looked at me, ruffled my hair, and went back to his chair. he was clearly stressed.
i tune into the tv that was playing softly. they're talking about the incident.
"At least seven college students in Bolivia fell to their death Tuesday after a metal railing broke on the fourth floor of a university building, video shows. and at least 3 more in critical condition"
my heart hurts.
in the matter of 15 seconds, a railing fell and took the life of 7 of my classmates. 15 fucking seconds.
this is why i think we take life for granted. i wanted my life to be over. i wanted to disappear. i didn't think anyone cared.
but they do.
i promise they do.
promise you'll stay.
~
my heart goes out to the 7 people who died on tuesday. rip Raúl Cadena, Genio Mamani, Saúl Mamani, Daniel Rodríguez, Anahí Chipana, Loida Sosa and Tania Roque. you will all be missed. i send all my condolences to their families.
