♡Descending Into Madness♡

•Chapter 5•

°Izuku POV°

I can feel myself slipping the old shy midoriya was gone I couldn't keep my mouth shut for my own good. My classmates tried not to act like they weren't scared but I noticed how much the visibly relaxed when I didn't lash out at them. The class kinda just stopped talking about me for some reason the mention of my name would just make me mad so I would usually glare at them.

I was usually good at keeping up my cheerful persona outside of class but even that was a struggle so that's when people outside of my class got scared of me. If I ever really do become a hero I might as well be the replacement for endeavor with how I'm turning out. Yeah I dont wanna be like this but it takes a lot out of me to smile there really is no point. I'm honestly thinking of just dropping out of U.A and give all for one to some random kid one day. Then work at some random job or when we inevitably get attacked by some villains just let them kill me or whatever the hell they want with our class.

I had this one day where I couldn't rember absolutely anything well that was untill I started to watch the news. The guy who killed my mother died I thought nothing of it untill they said he was murdered then I remembered the event from the day before. I stumbled on him while walking out of a cafe. I dont know how nobody noticed me or why I did it but I can rember punching his face in repeatedly just like in my dream but it was more satisfying. I could actually feel his face hitting my fist it was satisfying and disturbing. I know I was disappointed in myself I dont if it wasnt that I couldn't rember or that I did it in the first place. Since then I havent really came out of my room unless it was for class.

I dont even try to talk to kacchan anymore. I dont know if they class was scared of me or just gave up on me most likely both not that it bothered me. Since I boarded myself up in my room I was able to keep my composure in class. A few weeks after the incident my classmates gradually started approaching me again seeing that I wasnt as unpredictable. I started to pretend to happy around my classmates slowly tricking myself into thinking that as well. Surely enough the attention on me surely dies off. Nobody knows that I still have my panic attacks in my room or that when I went to the bathroom I only went to cry.

I was mad at me at everyone. I was mad at myself because of who I am mad at everyone else because they hadn't noticed that I'm not okay. However I am also happy about that. I doing okay faking until bakugo was forced to come and get me because the rest of the class was doing something and wanted me to join in. I banging my head against the wall while my nail dug into my skin I didn't realize what I was actually doing I honestly thought I went to sleep. That is when bakugo grabbed me by the back of my shirt and faced me toward him that's when I snapped out of it and I realized I was crying. I was surprised when he pulled me into a hug he was very hesitant but he still did. I also didn't expect myself to pitifully cling to his shirt and cry. I suppose I started to choke out apologizing unconsciously. He would just mubble that it is okay and tried to pat my back gently but it was rather rough. Then again kacchan wasnt the type to comfort people in the first place.

I didn't realize how long we were like that untill uraraka came into my room and asked if I was okay apparently we were up here for 5 minutes. Kacchan left and told her he came in here and I was crying. He didn't tell her I was hitting my head against the wall wich I thank him I wouldn't want her to worry anymore.

"Why were you crying Izuku" she whispered with a soft smile. I mumbled something in hope she wouldn't question futher."what was that Izuku" she questioned again her voice a bit more stern.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you worried" I mumbled my voice getting progressively quiet as I spoke. I could feel her stiffen as she held me. I knew it wasnt the answer she was looking for but I didn't know why I was crying myself I thought today was a good day in my opinion.

"Deku I know you know that isnt what I meant what's wrong why were you crying" she sighed and mumbled out.

"Yeah I know....sorry I just... I just dont why i was crying" I whispered I dont know why I felt the need to whisper but I was scared to be to loud I was afraid I might hurt her.

"Izuku I know you don't like people to worry about but you shou...maybe we can work something out for..." I knew what she wanted to say but she probably felt wrong to tell me. If I knew better I would say she was afraid of my reaction.

"Uraraka I thank you for being their for me but I'm fine" I sighed and pulled myself away from her. I was able to see her face shift in discomfort.

It looked like she was mad but she calmed herself before proceeding "Izuku we both know you are not okay I want you to get better... I need you to become better. I know its selfish but... I need you to be happy in order for me to be and it pains me to see you like this de...Izuku" if I wasnt looking at her before I was now her sniffs and hitches of her breath maybe me look at her. In my opinion uraraka is a very strong person so seeing cry because of me just shows how much of a monster I am if I can make her cry.

"Uraraka I'm sorry im making you cry and im fine im getting better okay" the last part sound more like a question then I would like it to.

"Izuku you are not fine okay...I need you to understand that I cant help you If you don't understand that" she was now much more noticeably crying.

"Uraraka I'm fine please stop interrogating me there is nothing wrong with me" I said slight getting louder and she noticeably flinched.

"IZUKU...izuku you're not okay and that's okay you need to accept that in order for us to help you. Izuku you are a smart person I know you know as much as I do that you aren't okay and you need help" she said getting up from my bed.

"Fine fine I'm not okay I'm broken, lost and scared. I know that but I dont need to get help I dont need someone telling me something I already know. I'm broken and I need someone to fix me I know that but maybe I dont want their help I dont need  the reminder I dont need to know that she is dead. I KNOW SHE IS DEAD AND IM A CHILD FOR THINKING SHE IS HERE I KNOW... I know she isn't coming back and that I'm alone" she looked scared and conflicted I wasnt the type to yell at her even in my current state I really tried not to yell at the girls in are class. She was going to say something but I cut her off rather quickly." Uraraka please just get out" I whispered and looked away from her afraid of the horror in her face I didn't want to look at her and she looked traumatized and scared of me. I mumbled out an I'm sorry but I know she didn't hear me.