𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐀𝐋𝐖𝐀𝐘𝐒

LETTER 04

TW: implied assault

dear tobio,

i'm losing myself badly. i don't know how much longer i can pull through. i'm so stressed and sad because, every single fucking day i'm scared i'll get jumped or hurt, called rude things, have rumors spread about me. i have zero breaks from this cycle minus seeing you, the team after school, or being at home.

i can't take it. i'm really tired of everything and just want peace. why is it so necessary to put someone through pain simply because they don't like someone, or know someone, or are they related to someone they adore, or simply because they exist?

today i went to a teacher and told them what was going on. all they said was and i quote "i'll talk to the students about it. next time, just tell them to stop. if they don't go to me or a teacher again." they ended up giving me the bruises and black eye. you were constantly asking about the following day. which i brushed it off saying it was nothing and i accidentally ran into a pole.

i just want everything to stop. but it won't, it always comes back 10x worse. and i fucking hate it. it's like the universe just wants me to kill myself already, but i haven't because of you. i don't want you to mourn or feel like you could've done better, i really don't.

i want to talk to you, mai, hitoka, or just to someone about it. i'm so close to completely losing myself. it's like i'm hanging on the ledge of a cliff wanting someone to be there to catch me from the fall. i am calling for someone to catch me from the fall.

you know, even though i tell you this a lot, you mean the world to me and i really don't deserve you.

why did you choose me? why didn't you choose someone better than me? someone more gorgeous, funny, smart, talented? someone who wasn't me? why me? what fascinated you so much to want me and love me? like everyone says, "i'm a good-for-nothing piece of shit who should just kill herself." so why me?

maybe i should listen to them???

i don't know. i just know i want to be at ease and finally get rid of all this pain that's stabbed into my heart.

even though we're dating and we love each other- i hope- i feel so alone. ever since we started dating i've never felt more alone than ever. don't get me wrong, it's not you, it'll never be because of you. but because of the way i can't talk to you. the way i can't hold something as simple as your hand in public because i'm afraid. i'm afraid you'll get hate. i'm afraid you'll get beat. even though that'll most likely not happen to you. maybe i'm being selfish because i'm afraid i will get hurt.

well, that's all i really need to talk about today. 4/10. almost at the halfway mark :) ! anyway, once again take care of yourself. don't overwork yourself with volleyball. i love you tobi. :)

with love,
y/n

-

i close my eyes trying to stop the tears from leaking, but to my avail, the tears manage to sneak through tiny crooks of my eyes painting my face with tears and redness.

i take a few minutes to calm down, closing the letter.

the last letter.

putting the fourth letter back in the box i take out the final letter. a pastel (f/c) envelope.

"05 <3"

note: lord ok well here we go last letter then epilogue. make sure to drink your water and eat some food mwah<3
04'03'21