Gracie-Lou in Broken Mirrors Shattered Dreams

Part 3

Chapter Two

1999, Clearwater, KS

Seven years old and I feel like I have lived alone without my sister Annie forever; even though it has only been a year. The old man and his wife who run the farm where I am staying seem to accept me, but I miss my family. Johnny comes to visit often, but he is reluctant to talk about my father or my sister on his visits. We have fun together - he makes me laugh.

He claims he is here for business, but I never see him do any work. The best part about Johnny’s visits is he never visits empty-handed. My collection of teddy bears is so large that they do not fit on the bed anymore. He shows up for my birthday, he never forgets, and I look forward to his cuddles. They make me miss Annie though.

I am aware that I am dreaming, but I have an uneasy feeling there is a reason that I want to wake from it. Then, I get swept up in the experience and temporarily lose my sense of discomfort.

In an outer body experience, I follow Johnny and the young version of me to the time he took me to the local fair and bought me a candy apple. Little me loves candy apples, but has difficulty eating them because she has lost her two front teeth. It does not stop her gnawing at the sticky treat with the rest of her teeth.

I laugh at my determination to devour the sweet candy coating and can almost feel the stickiness of the treat sticking to my fingertips. I brush my hands on my nightgown and continue to watch the younger version of me with him.

We are out the front of my house and the sun feels warm as it caresses my face. Johnny asks the little me to sit down on the front porch. He paces the dusty earth at the foot of the steps as he runs his fingers through his graying hair. He turns to look right through me at little me, sitting on the porch. His lavender-gray eyes gaze into mine of the same color, but he is looking at her and not me.

“Lou, sweetie,” he says, rubbing his hands along his jawline. “There’s something I have to tell you, but you’re so young.” Johnny stops pacing; the troubled look in his eyes scared me then and it still scares me now. Butterflies churn my stomach as I watch the candy apple wobble, heavy and unsteady, balancing on the stick in her small hands. “You might not understand,” he says, gripping her knees as he takes a knee on the step below. “I have some news about your father.” He swallows hard then licks his lips. “Baby-girl, I’m so sorry.”

The anguish in his expression makes me feel sick and I remember the feelings those words made me feel. She drops what is left of her candy apple. I watch the candy apple bounce down the stairs to land in the dirt, and for a moment, I feel as small as her again.

“Is he dead?” Little me blurts out, and I find myself echoing the same words with a much older tone of voice.

Johnny’s smile is warm and I cannot believe how young he looks. “Oh, no, honey. He’s very much alive and he loves you, oh-so very much.”

I stare blankly at Johnny.

“Is Daddy coming to take me home soon?” I know what I am secretly wishing. I want to be with Annie.

Johnny lowers his gaze. “No baby. He can’t do that,” he whispers.

“Why not?” I ask, but I am not surprised or disappointed – just numb. He never took the time to write to me, so why would he visit or even care about me? The numbness that little me feels makes me shiver.

“Because he is not really your daddy.” Johnny pauses to bite his lip as little me screws up her face in confusion. I just want to give her a hug and tell her that everything will be all right, but I am standing away from the two of them and cannot move any closer–cannot move at all.