In Love With Greensleeves✔️

Chapter Four: Forgivness

Forgiveness. The one word that hinders a weakened heart. With so much trust emancipated into a relationship, whether the relationship is intimate or not, there is always just enough room for betrayal. Forgiveness is the receding line of betrayal. There's always going to be a rebuttal, a reconsideration, a hesitation. But,when the decision is made to side with forgiveness, the betrayal seemingly subsides.

My feeling of betrayal, subsided.

When driven, I can become mutinously callous. I can run as cold as the Arctic, without mumbling or lifting a finger. It's not by whim that I choose to limit my verbal and physical combat, it's by lessened choice. I have not one vengeful bone in my body, and because of this I always side with peaceful resort. No fighting, no yelling, no backstabbing, I just become unresponsive. Yet still, on the inside my emotions vehemently run amok.

On the inside, I'm being torn to pieces. On the inside, I'm beginning a belligerent war with my conscience and heart. My conscience screams that I should move on, stop straddling my pain. My heart wails, telling it's okay to mope and want to be alone. Sadly the tantamount of my heart and conscience are second to none.

I shouldn't mope and cry, but neither should I cast away my feelings. Instead, I need to stand up and coagulate each advice. Michael won't cry on the inside, he won't cry at all. Michael won't hold his rage and pain,no not at all. Michael will be a man. Yes, a man. Michael will be a man that doesn't run away from problems, but faces them. Too many times Michael relied on his boyish game of "pout and ignore", now Michael knows he is a man. It's time Michael becomes a man.

Today, Michael will be a man.

The wind, calm and collected. My Nike jumper barely rustling along it's gentle blows. My mind fresh and clear of it's objectives. Yes, I still awoke to the burdens of Joseph rambling on about "That dumb girl". He has tried over these two weeks of silence to drill my head with a gamut of reasons to why he was right and I was wrong. Yet still, I remained silent and allowed him to feel glorified, though I knew he was wrong. I awoke today, doing the same.

Light taps of my penny loafers are all I hear as I stroll through the courtyard. Looking to my left, the ivory bench sits alone. Such a beautiful bench it is. The very bench I sat alongside her just two weeks ago. I find myself closing my eyes for what felt like long minutes, just imagining her sitting there.

Almond curls, carelessly blowing alongside the wind. Emerald eyes, dancing along mine as I dare look into them. Giggles, sweet giggles filled the courtyard that day. When I open my eyes again, I glance at the ivory bench for a few minutes longer. Here I am again, square one. I promised I wouldn't dwell on the past, but my emotions are once again mandating that I feel another whirl of emotions. I just wanted fresh air, while the house is quiet. But, no -not in my world.

Sighing heavily, I admit defeat and turn to return to my exile. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow, I'm just not ready yet.

Or maybe you should stop and be a man.

How do I do that? I have probably peeved Birdie. She most likely hates my guts right now. I would hate me too. Ignoring her all because of something that she coudn't control. She was just doing her job. There was nothing malicious behind her broadcast.

There you go again Michael, trying to analyze everything.

Shouldn't I analyze this? I'm not the only person hurting, right?

Oh dear.

My head is spinning with questions. My conscience once again mandating that it should be heard. I just don't know what to do. This has been my paradox. I feel guilty, but I also feel I was right to request seclusion. I just don't understand. I need answers.