I Always Come Back for You

Chapter 3. Part 3.

**

"Let's wrap up for today. Good job everyone." 

Director Kim almost shouts. People give each other " good job today" and I start toward the first row of seats down the stage to grab my backpack and sweater when director Kim adds 

"Just don't leave, you all remember that tonight we are going for a drink since this week went so well." 

Ah! I almost have forgotten tonight's plan and here I thought I have the rest of the day for myself to hide in my room and daydream while humming a gloomy tune. During this past week all I did was; show up, practice, and leave. I didn't communicate much with the crew and even during our scenes with a specific someone, I acted as Tae Su perfectly while constantly avoiding his eyes. I was panicked last week after the rehearsal, I had to be since I couldn't describe or even understand the change I was going through. I've never been attracted to another human being. Not mentally, emotionally, or physically. Nothing. I mean I like beauty in all capacities, I like girls with messy hair and I like lost pets but not once in my life I was this drawn to someone else. This strong pull toward another one, is shaking the ground I'm walking like an earthquake and I'm well aware that I'm losing my footing, my sense of balance. The funny part is that him, being a man is not scary for me, the scary part is that he is getting so much power over me without even realizing it. The scary part is that he can see through me and not get scared by what he sees. I have barely dated since we are prohibited from practicing sexual desires based on the contract and there are severe restrictions. I've never entertained that idea simply because I saw it too much hassle and adult videos have been my companions for so long. Yet it never occurred to me that another man can be enticing till I met him and I can't even point on how and to what extent I'm interested in him? Is it physical? I don't think so, but there is no doubt I want to talk to him all day and I want him to listen to my nonsense and when I'm laying down on my sofa watching a good movie I think about Dae Sung and how he would interpret this scene or things like that. Granted I'm an oblivious bastard according to Hyung but when it comes to a self-awareness I don't fight myself for too long. That's why when I realized there is something slightly different with Dae Sung, I accepted it after the initial panic and rendering for a while, even though I know it would be painful to harbor such strong feelings for a fellow worker who happens to be a man in this industry and that it cannot end well and it has to go to the same vault I buried all other aspects of my life to be an Idol. But that doesn't mean I would let go of my selfish desire to be by his side and seek his approval. I simply cherish the moments spent with him even if it's filled with companionable silence. But then again after hearing his idea of me, I thought I don't need more confusion going on in my life, I have enough on my plate already. That's what I keep telling myself. But it's damn hard when I'm this desperate to talk to him even if it means being subjected to his condescending behavior. But No. No. No. Stay far, far away. As much as possible. Nipping at the sweater in my hand I look for a way out. I find my phone in the backpack ignoring all the fuss about the outing to call Hyung. He picks up finally 

" Did you finish your practice?" 

My eyes roam around the room, location him standing next to a crew member and Mrs. Han talking and laughing

"Yes. The crew wants to go for a drink. I wasn't sure if it's ok to..." 

He cuts me off "Are they getting a private room? In that case, it's ok to go. In fact, it's good, go get some fresh air and don't make any trouble. I'm still trying to get rid of the problem at hand. Shit has hit the fan." 

His tone is gravely and edgy and I sense that he has just finished an outrageous breakdown with someone. Poor bastard. 

"What problem?"