The other side of love

Signed and sealed

Chapter 24

I think love hurts, well it's universally acknowledged and accepted but I think you need to experience the hurt in order to understand the phrase. You wake up one day and meet a stranger who changes everything, who consumes you and makes you fall in love with them. That same person becomes your world, your everyday life includes him whether it's in your thoughts or not but they are there. They become part of your daily routine and then one day; you wake up and that has all changed. 

" I miss you"

I looked at him and I tried to figure it out, when it happen for him. When did it become easy for him to walk away from us. When did he know? Was it when I was pregnant with his child, was it when I was accepting that I have to share him?. I always wonder was it easy for Khathu to just stop and decide that his family was just not as important as whatever he was doing with Lord knows who. 

" I can't go back to us"

He reached for my hand and I pulled away. 

Khathu" Xolisa"

Me" You know the part that hurts?"

"I was getting used to be with someone who actually loves me. I really gave you everything, I changed myself just to please you and I did all those things because I love you. I didn't mind to give because at that moment? You deserved it, but right now? I hate saving you. I hate that I was ready to start a war for you, and you still stand there, pretending like Rendani lied about you cheating"

Khathu" She cheated on me first!"

Me" And I was just a causality kuyo yonke lento?"

"You really don't understand what you've done"

Khathu" Can you listen to me"

Me" I will and you will probably tell me exactly what I need to hear. I'll stay with you because I love you, that's what I would do because to me you were enough Khathu. To me? You were the guy that was supposed to be different"

I chuckled

"I guess it's crazy, you know? I expected you to be loyal to me but you cheated on Rendani with me. How you get them is how you lose them"

A cliche.

*

Life after the funeral was interested, my children wanted to stay behind with their grandparents. I didn't mind, I needed the alone time. I needed to clear my head, remind myself who I was before I was Khathu's wife. Instead the first three days I stayed in bed and cried, I hated that I couldn't take off my wedding ring. Then I went through the next week just listening to the same song, I literally had Lewis Capaldi's Someone You Loved on repeat.

"Where are you?"

Ntlaka asked, I don't know why I answered the call because I've been avoiding everyone. 

Me" I am at home, about to go to the beach"

I don't know why I said that

Ntlaka" Alone?"

Me" Yep"

Ntlaka" Are you drunk?"

Me" Nope, just sad"

"Can I call you tomorrow?"

Ntlaka" Xolisa, I am here for you"

Me" I know you mean well but my husband cheated on me. I am sad and I want to be alone, ndiyakucela, don't call me until I call you"

"I just don't have the energy to be okay for you" 

*

I did go to the beach alone, turns out there's some peace in trying while watching the waves. I called Khathu's mother the minute I got home because I missed my children. 

"Mama, where are they?"

I asked, I heard some fiddling then some giggles. 

"Mommy?"

Muhali said, and my heart was at peace again.

Me" I miss you guys"

Thili" We miss you too, uzoza wena?"

Me" Only when you want me to fetch you"

Muhali" Not hlala pha?"

Me" Not hlala apho baby, Mama's house is our home"

Thili" Mama"

"Funeka sikhethe where we want to stay?"

Me" No, never"

Thili" Then you coming here?"

Me" Okay"

I was raised in a two parent household, I never knew the difficulty of divorce. I always had my parents in the same house, and now I am not sure how to deal with this one. Khathu will definitely not move to PE, his businesses are that side. And there's no way I am moving to there again, I don't have any good memories of that place. 

Muhali" Uyeza wena Mama?"

Me" Ewe baby"

"I love you guys"

They rambled about the farm and how much fun they were having. I listened and laughed with them, I ended the call after 20 minutes. Then drafted an email to my husband;

"Throughout our marriage, I don't remember us having normal moments. I think that's why your betrayal hurts, you promised me the world and you couldn't even deliver the bare minimum. 

I looked at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out why you would cheat on me. Was it my sagging breast? I think so, but theyyou sagged because I was breast feeding our son. Then I thought it's the stomach but those stretch marks are from my pregnancy with Muhali. Every change in my body is a story of our marriage, so I figured it wouldn't be that. Then I wondered if it was the sex, maybe I changed and I am no longer as adventurous as I once was but again I remembered you stopped. It wasn't the other way around because I had to beg you to fuck me after our marriage. I tried Khathu, to blame myself for what you did but I don't think it's fair since all I did was love you. 

After all the shit you put me through, I still love you. Maybe because I fought so hard for you and I think you never really fought for me, and maybe that's why it was so easy for you to stray. So I want you to fight for me. I tried walking away from you, so maybe our love story doesn't end like this. Or it does. 

It's up to you really. 

Kind regards

Xolisa Rambali"