Beneath it all [h.s]

7

"Like if you hold me without hurting me
You'll be the first who ever did"

SONG: CINNAMON GIRL BY LANA DEL REY

tw: sexual assault

please vote, it would mean the world to me xx

play song when it says too :)

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"wake up princess" a hear a muffled voice say. The metallic smell of blood and wet concrete washes over as I regain consciousness. "Ah, there are those beautiful blue eyes again" the voice says. He must be standing behind me because I can't see anyone.

I glance down at my bare legs and even in this dark room I can see all the bruises and cuts down them. Fuck me did they throw me down the stairs whilst I was unconscious. To be honest it wouldn't surprise me if they did.

The lace lingerie I am wearing is torn and barely clinging to my body. They're lucky I'm not a screamer, not that anyone would hear me anyway.

"So Airlee, tell me. Where is your dad?" the man speaks again though his voice sounds oddly familiar but I'm not sure who's voice it is. "It will be a lot easier on you if you just tell me Airlee" the man presses.

"I haven't seen nor talked to that man in six years" I plead in confusion. a chuckle is bellowed from behind me leaving the sound to echo around the dark room. Does this wanker seriously not believe me, fuck me.

"Oh Airlee, you don't really think I'm that naive to believe you don't know anything about your father now do you?" he chuckled. Um, that's exactly what I think but whatever. I should be scared or hyperventilating right now but in all honesty, this idiot is just really pissing me off and making my migraine worse.

"I'm not sure who's gonna tell you but I have no clue what you're talking about," I say, but it is the truth I don't know anything about that man. "Also if you are planning on killing me go ahead but ill let you in on a little secret, he won't care." I snicker

Instantly the man walks around in front of me, I haven't seen this man before I don't think but I know his voice. He looks around 50 to 55. "I'm not done with you just yet" he smirks pushing his knee in between my legs before I could shut them. "So beautiful yet dumb" he coos moving his knee down further between my legs.

There's nothing I can do to stop him now, my useful limbs are tied to this chair. I'm powerless and the most I can do right now is mentally prepare myself for what he's going to do. I can feel the tear streaming down my face as he kneels. His filthy hands grab onto the dainty piece of lace covering my boobs and tear it. I need to zone out. I don't wish this upon my worst enemy.

In this moment I am completely exposed, nothing I can do to cover up. "Stop your crying, you deserve it. I gave you the chance to tell me and you didn't" he says sternly whilst undoing his pants. Maybe I did deserve this, I should have been wearing what I was. That's what my dad told me the first time it happened so it must be true.

His mouth latches onto my skin and the only reflex I have is to scream. I scream louder than ever using all my energy, his hand connect quickly with my face. At first, there is no pain, just shock. Then his fist connects again to my jaw. The pain left my face feeling numb, but at the same time, it's the worst pain I have ever felt.

His dirty hand cups my heat leaving me screaming. He ignores me, no matter how much I distract him, he's got all day. No one coming for me. I must have started to zone out because I am snapped back into reality when I feel him push into me. I can't even scream, I just cry silently. It's time to zone out now.

**play song**

Zoning out was something I did a lot even I was back at home. Zoning out is weird, I can feel everything that is happening to me. I can hear everything around me, but it is muffled and quiet. The best part about all of it is I can't see anything, It's peaceful. I can feel this man hurting me, but it's not pleasure I feel, it's pain.

Zoning out is like being high. Feeling free but knowing once you're out of your high reality is waiting back down there to kick you in the ass as soon as you resurface. I can hear the muffled sounds of his panting and feel his breath on my neck.

I just want it to stop, but it's okay it will be all over soon. I can feel every movement he makes into me but I'm ok. At least it's me it's happening to me and not some other poor girl.

"There's things I wanna say to you
But I'll just let you live
Like if you hold me without hurting me
You'll be the first who ever did
There's things I wanna talk about
But better not to keep
But if you hold me without hurting me
You'll be the first who ever did"

I'm snapped out of it when I feel my hands and feet come free. I look down to see the man who just raped me on the ground knocked unconscious.

My eyes trail upwards to the man who untying me. Its Harry. He looks sad, maybe something happened to someone he cares about. I hope he's ok. I try to stand my leg collapse from under me falling back onto the chair.

I watch him as he take his leather jacket off, he grasps my waist holding me up as he dresses me in his jacket and zips it up. I feel dirty, I just want to be over.
I have been through a lot and every time something happens more of me is chipped away and I think this has just about done it. Harry scoops me up from the chair and gives me a sad smile.

I rest my head in the crook of his neck getting lost in his warmth, I hope I'm not too heavy for him to carry. I can hear James is here as well but my eyes feel too heavy to open right.

he held me without hurting me, he was the first who ever did

**

I must have fallen asleep, I'm home now. It doesn't feel like home anymore, not after Jesse, not after what just happened. I can hear voices in the kitchen but I need to pee first.

I raise myself off the toilet and walk in front of the mirror unzipping Harry's leather jacket I was still dressed in. I always loved looking at my naked body in the mirror but now I'm disgusted. My body is filled but deep purple bruises and cuts, there is not one inch that isn't tarnished.

I fold Harry's jacket after putting on an oversized tee-shirt, I had nothing underneath but a pair of underwear since they were 6 men outside.

I turn the corner to see them all sitting on my couch and like usual they all turn their heads in sync to face me. I go to say something but no words come out so instead I walk to the kitchen and start going through the cupboard. I don't know what I'm looking for but I can't think at this moment.

"Airlee, what are you looking for?" I ignore jakes question and keeps pacing around the kitchen, my apart mean in open concept meaning they can all see me pacing around. I must look crazy. So I stop, I need a cigarette. I don't usually smoke but I always have a pack and a lighter around.

As I reach out to grab the lighter off the counter I feel his arms wrap around. I stopped and followed him to the couch and laid down next to him, I felt at peace with all the boys here. His arm snaked around my waist.

"It's okay to cry love, let it all out" he said to me in his deep British accent. I opened my eyes and looked at the boys surrounding me all giving me warm smile. This apartment didn't feel like home but they did.

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This is a long one but I hope you enjoyed :)

I didn't cry whilst writing this.

he held me without hurting me, he was the first who ever did, referencing the song.

ahhhhh :(((((

love a xoxo

'