Memories [ON HOLD]

Chapter 12

"Welcome back Clarke" She gave me a soft smile before she walked away leaving me with butterflies.

After watching Lexa walk away I went into my room and it smelled of raspberries and roses...it was good. It kinda brought a sense of comfort.

Once I settled for the night I laid there, staring up at the ceiling. I couldn't fall asleep.

When the commander walked away it was as if all my emotions went with her. That's how I had felt when I was in my domain.

After the mountain I had briefly switched with Callen just to find out what she had done but no one else had known I had DID. I could never forget the look of horror on everyone's faces as they looked at me. It was burned into my head and it didn't help that because of that I already knew what was going to be said about me and I didnt want to hear them, so I left and then switched back with Callen. I couldn't go back to Camp Jaha after that.

I laid there and my head was empty of all thoughts. It felt like I wasn't even real...like all of this was just some type of fantasy I've created and if it was, this is some twisted shit.

-

It was still night and I hadn't slept so I decided to get up, putting a coat on, going out of the tower. Going to the river I sat down by the rocks.

My eyes had started to water but I didn't know the cause of it. I just all of a sudden felt the overwhelming need to cry and as the first tear slid down my cheek I was hit with pain. A deep sadness that felt like it was crushing my already broken soul. I tried to keep it in but I couldn't. It was overwhelming. But as the tears fell from my eyes, no sound came out of me. They were silent tears. All you could hear was the sound of the water flowing in the river and the slight breeze of wind as I sat there. The only thing I could do was let the tears run down my face like a river escaping a dam. The pain I felt was so bad that I just wanted to die to get rid of it. I wanted to give up, thinking that I had done horrible things. I had caused so much damage that I could never be forgiven.

I had no chance at redemption for Callens actions at this point. She had completely destroyed everything but if I had died that day, none of this would've ever happened. But now that I sit here, there was no other choice but to bear her actions because I know she'd never let me die. That was the downside to having a split. She would stop at nothing to make sure I remained alive so she herself wouldn't die.

I couldn't stand being here knowing what she had done. Every intake of air that I had felt like I was choking but I didn't move. All I could do was sit there, watching the water flow as the wind blew my hair in silence.

I'm not sure how much time has passed but my body moved and I was laying in the grass, looking up at the night sky and man was it beautiful. To think I once lived up there..Looking up at the stars, letting out shaky breaths as my tears continued to flow, I felt someone sit down next to me but I didn't look. I knew who it was but I couldn't turn to her. I couldn't look at her.

"Clarke...why are you crying?" she softly asked, but I couldn't form any words. There was this lump in my throat as my mouth opened, preventing anything from coming out.

My breaths were a bit ragged as I tried to form words but they never came out. My lips started to slightly tremble as my hands began to shake, feeling my tears going down the side of my face, wetting my hair. Hearing her sigh, feeling her gently take my left hand in her own, holding onto it. I knew she had never done this and I felt her hesitation when she grabbed my hand but when she grabbed it I oddly felt a little better, but I still didn't look or turn to face her. Feeling my eyes twitch as I took another breath, the words that I had tried to say just moments before had finally made their way out.